OK Michelle, I've read Divorce Busting twice and used it as a reference many times, and I've read The Divorce Remedy once and used it as a reference as well. I feel totally stuck right now.
After several months of living apart in the same house with H totally ignoring me most of the time, continuing his A with OW, going AWOL from home, H spending no time with S, etc., and DB techniques I had used for months hadn't worked, I did an LRT. My attorney wrote H a letter and told him although it is not W's (my) desire for the marriage to end, W can't continue to live in the present circumstances. Letter asked H to be out of the house by a certain date at a certain time. If H didn't move, W (me) would file for divorce. Long story short, H moved out.
We've now been separated for 3 weeks. No OR talks, not much initiated by me. This all after almost 26 years of marriage.
I don't see any progress being made in either direction (divorce or him coming back). Now that the tension is gone at home (since he moved out) I am moving on with my life and I can honestly say I will be happy with whatever happens (with or without him). But I'm not happy in stuck mode. Perhaps 3 weeks isn't long enough to see any progress. We have separation agreement that lasts until Nov. 2, and will be 2 months separated at that time.
Any advice about steps I should be taking? When we talk on the phone occasionally (he calls) I keep it light and friendly. But when he comes by in person for any reason, I don't handle it well. I tend to ask him too many questions which he sees as badgering, I'm sure, but I can't seem to bite my tongue yet when he's there in person. On the phone I have no problem.
Michele, It has been about a week now since we have had our baby. He has been around some but due to very bad work hours he is not able to come over in the evenings. He noted his disatisfaction with that situation (hours 11pm - 7pm). I have been toying with the idea of asking him to come over and spend couple of nights to help out. At the same time I have said to myself I will not do that. Even though I WANT HIM BACK HERE I don't want to be the one asking him to move back in and I am affraid he would look at it that way. Any ideas? We are very friendly towards each other, no OR talks in two weeks now. Once headed there and I stopped it. (posting under newcomers 'he is out so what now'). Any ideas?
Had OR talk sunday with wife about what she was wanting. Short of it is that she does not know herself, can not give me the love I want, and admission of OM as a good friend and EA and denies PA but agrees if roles were reversed she would believe the same. I told her go find herself, I am distancing myself for me, that we should keep our conversation and interaction to our kids, that I love her, want her as my wife and if and when she ever wants to try a new relationship with me and if I am available I would be receptive to that.
Yesterday I was talking with my youngest son who has openned up to me (he is 7)and I am letting him express his feelings. I empathize with him, tell it is normal and the reassure him that both I and his mom love him and are there for him. She was made because he is emotional with me after we talk, I told her not to blame me. That this is a result and natural reaction of children in divorce. That I am not the one that made this decission there for sole respoonsibility of this lies with her not me. I am trying to help our son. Asked her to let me talk with Brett. I talked with him and got him laughing and reassured him and plan on having lunch with him today.
Ok a lot here. I am very angry at her. Betrayed by her and she is being nice and listening to me but I doubt it is going change her mind. I am concerned with my sons at this point. OM she admits to be close to.
Michele, My D told me the other day about OM. I told my D that I was having a BBQ and inviting some friends. She asked if W could invite friend from work. Said he was going to take them to the park and W talks about him a lot.
Should I confront her about this? We still live in the same house. We're still M.
A brief update on my situation. Our therapist seems now to be more focused on solutions and issues...a good thing I think. In our last therapy session, W said that, while she knew before we were married that I wasn't "an intensely emotional, passionately romantic" man (while I am not a cold fish, and I have my passionate and romantic moments, I would never describe myself as a passionate romantic), and in fact it was my emotional stability and practical nature that attracted her to me, she says that she now (13 years later) realizes that she really wants and needs an emotionally intense passionately romantic marriage. And while she agrees I could be more passionate and more romantic, it just won't be enough (she seems to think she is judge and jury when it comes to me, and I guess from her perspective she is). In the session, I asked her for some examples of how her life would be different, what different things she would be doing that would give her the "feelings" she feels are missing. She responded with more vague terms like, she would feel comfortable and would have more enjoyment and more fun and there would be more passion. When I asked her for more specific examples of what she would be doing that was different than what she and we can do now, she got mad. The counseler said that my questions were valid, as we are trying to get to the bottom of W's strong assertion that we are not compatible, and we need to see clearly if there is common ground or not. The counseler gave W a homework assignment to provide specific examples of what she would be doing and how her life would be different if she had the emotionally intense and passionately romantic relationship she says she now wants and needs. This really made W annoyed.
My question is as follows: to the extent that the counseler now seems to be pushing W to be specific as to her issues, and no longer seems satisfied with W's vague statements and circular logic ("I can't be intimate and emotionally close to you because I'm not in love with you, and I don't feel romantic love for you because I don't feel emotionally close or intimate with you"), will this have the same affect of pushing W away, as it would if I were pushing her to be more concrete in her descriptions of her feelings, or questioning the basis of these feelings.
Is the counselers new approach a good thing or a bad thing?..it feels right to me, but I'm afraid that it will have an adverse impact on my WAW.
quote:Originally posted by Jen: OK Michelle, I've read Divorce Busting twice and used it as a reference many times, and I've read The Divorce Remedy once and used it as a reference as well. I feel totally stuck right now.
After several months of living apart in the same house with H totally ignoring me most of the time, continuing his A with OW, going AWOL from home, H spending no time with S, etc., and DB techniques I had used for months hadn't worked, I did an LRT. My attorney wrote H a letter and told him although it is not W's (my) desire for the marriage to end, W can't continue to live in the present circumstances. Letter asked H to be out of the house by a certain date at a certain time. If H didn't move, W (me) would file for divorce. Long story short, H moved out.
We've now been separated for 3 weeks. No OR talks, not much initiated by me. This all after almost 26 years of marriage.
I don't see any progress being made in either direction (divorce or him coming back). Now that the tension is gone at home (since he moved out) I am moving on with my life and I can honestly say I will be happy with whatever happens (with or without him). But I'm not happy in stuck mode. Perhaps 3 weeks isn't long enough to see any progress. We have separation agreement that lasts until Nov. 2, and will be 2 months separated at that time.
Any advice about steps I should be taking? When we talk on the phone occasionally (he calls) I keep it light and friendly. But when he comes by in person for any reason, I don't handle it well. I tend to ask him too many questions which he sees as badgering, I'm sure, but I can't seem to bite my tongue yet when he's there in person. On the phone I have no problem.
Michelle: I didn't know since you started a new thread for your book club if you were still planning to go back and pick up unanswered questions from the first one. Therefore, I have quoted my entire question from the first threat originally posted Sept. 24.
Oldmedic, You have asked for advice in general, but it would really help if you had a specific question. I realize you're having a hard time right now, and anyone in your shoes would be, but it's hard for me to comment on it all. What, specifically, would you like to ask me? Michele
Db, It's interesting. You ask for advice, but your last sentence indicates that you know exactly what you want to do- distance. Then go for it. I believe you do know what you need to do next. Pull back for a while and see what happens. IF he really values your "friendship", he'll notice you're missing and you'll see if he sticks his neck out to find you.
Like you, I sense trouble in his relationship. Just don't burn bridges behind you and wait to see what happens. Time will tell. Be patient and fill your life with good things.
Rayanne, I love that book too! It was the most fun to write. It should have gotten more publicity, that's for sure. The Germans love it, I've been in every magazine and newspaper. Funny, isn't it? THanks for your feedback. Michele
