In the chapter about affairs you mention that most affairs end in 6 months. I've seen this same statistic mentioned in the book Surviving An Affair by Harley. I have a couple of questions about this.
1) Where does this statistic come from?
2) By most do you mean simply 51% and that maybe 49% can last years, or is most an average?
Pas, Of course, things look bleak right now. If you are going to continue to fight for your marriage despite the legal proceedings, you need to try to balance protecting yourself and your children- your att should help with this- and continually assessing how what you're doing will effect her. Usually, this goals are at cross-purposes so it makes things tricky. I wrote about this in the section about the legal system.
I know it's devastating when you're faced with losing everything that's important to you. It's not clear to me why she's willing to continue to go for counseling. What does she say about this? What's the goal?
Don't lose heart. You'll find your way. Keep posting here and DBing.
User, Boy, she sounds confused. But, for that matter, so do you? Are you still fighting for your marriage, or are you ready to throw in the towel? Your goal dictates what you need to do next.
In any case, I think without a whole lot of explanation, you can tell her that you want to be included on her insurance. That would be the safe thing to do.
DB713, Yes, He seems quite concerned about the OW. Has he written you again as promised?
His unwillingness to focus on your sons or the situation may not have anything to do with his lack of feeling for you. Some people have a hard time dealing with tough emotional issues. Your ex might be one of them. In the meantime though, don't sit around waiting for him to be more expressive. Keep moving on with things. If he comes around, you'll know it, but I'd hate to think that you're stopping your life in the hopes that he'll be more attentive. Don't do that! You've got a bigger job to do now. Focus on that for a while.
Keep posting on this board too. We're with you. Michele
Zebra, If gentle nudging works, nudge gently! It's difficult to know if she's kind out of interest in improving your marriage or not, but for now, it doesn't matter. Give her the opportunity to be kind to you regardless of her intentions. If she's going to go through with the divorce in the end, you still haven't lost anything, have you?
Rather than set goals with her as outlined in the book, ask her what I suggest couples ask each other in my seminars- the miracle question. "IF you went to sleep tonight and a miracle happened so that your problems and bad feelings about the marriage disappeared in your sleep, and you woke up tomorrow morning, how would you know watching yourself and me that the miracle had happened in your sleep? What would you/I/we be doing or saying to each other? How would or kids know (if you have them) by watching us that the miracle had happened last night.
If she's not interested in talking about it, drop it. Don't worry about her reading the book. IF you push the issue, it will backfire. If she wants to work on the marriage, she can always read it at a later date.
Tracey, You are definitely on the right track. Be there, be genuine, love her and let her pursue you sometimes. And above all, be patient. Okay? Michele
BMT, Getting through to the Man You Love is for women who want to improve their marriages and have felt frustated because little they have done seems to work.
If your husband hasn't been doing much, don't press the issue. Change you. Read Getting Through... or The Divorce Remedy. Michele
