Pas, You're absolutely right and your example is wonderful. Don't be surprised if I refer to it in some writing some day! I think it's a great analogy.
So often when I suggest that people do something radically different, they worry that they will make things worse. I have come to expect that. It's normal. It makes perfect sense. That's because your natural problem-solving method is logical and it feels comfortable. You're doing what in theory should work. So, I understand the fear.
I think your comment to waws is right too. Fear stands in the way of making relationships work. It would be wonderful if more WA's understood that your refraining from doing what works isn't out of a lack of caring. Thanks for the reminder. Michele
Wonder woman, You're welcome, and what an incredible story you have told us here. It's so great to see DB in action! Thanks for sharing it. It's so hard to keep our mouths closed when we're tempted to say something to our spouses, but when you get results like you did, it's amazingly reinforcing. It helps build our self-control the next time we're confronted with a challenging situation.
Plus, I'm fairly certain that on some level (he might not even have been aware of it) he expected you to respond negatively. When you didn't, he appreciated you. That's why he was so sweet again. Nailing someone every time you're unhappy with his or her behavior is a formula for disaster. I'm so delighted you've figured this out AND you continue to put it into practice. Here's the Divorce Remedy Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval for you! Michele
Thanks for your response. My W has agreed to C because she wants to help the kids and I and she's interested in "why I didn't respond sooner"? I guess this could be a good sign, I don't know. My question is, should I respond with the answer I gave above? I ask only because I have no idea how to respond anymore. She may view it as an excuse or an attempt at trying to control the situation. I intend for it to be neither.
I gave her a copy of DB. She said, "it sounds like she (meaning you) is trying to tell me I'm crazy for doing this". Funny, I read it as "there may be another, better, solution. I kept this opinion to myself.
I just wanted to give an update since my last post. I thought we were making progress but W was very distant and rude and her grandfather's funeral. She apologized and somehow convinced herself to be happy. She reiterated how much she liked hanging out with me. I told her that I did like seeing the new, happy, her but wasn't sure if it was going to last.
Yesterday W came home and told me she kissed OM. This is her first effort to move from EA to PA. She cried and said she wanted to love me and wanted to try. I kept up the DBing and she asked how I could be so perfect. I told her we could try and suddenly she wasn't sure if she wanted to. Here we go again on the seesaw. At this point I just decided that I need to take care of myself.
So I've now jumped to LRT. I moved out last night. She asked me not to go, said again that she would try, admitted she hadn't before. I questioned her sincerity. I told her I have to do this for me and I have to move on. I made sure to leave acting like someone she would miss, understanding but firm. She asked if she could call me and watched as I drove away. I'm going dark and just focusing on myself. I don't think we have a chance when W still has feelings for OM and works with him everyday. I feel bad for OM's wife. I hate to think that my W is damaging 2 marriages.
Divorce Remedy has helped me personally in realizing what I have to do for myself. I've created goals for my new single life and the path is much clearer because of them. Thank you.
Reachingout, Your moving appears to be a good thing on 2 counts. It's taking care of you. And you've rocked her boat. Let her pursue you. Give her a chance to miss you and appreciate you. Give her an opportunity to sweat things out a bit. Don't be reassuring now. You can be kind and loving, but don't give her the impression that you're eager to work on your marriage right now. You need to continue to back off and see if she's going to chase you. IF she wants to be with you, you can, but be tentative rather than reassuring to her.
I know this is a hard time, but her asking you not to go is exactly what you want to have happen. Michele
New book is wonderful, Already read it twice. Brief story, WAW,EA on the net, PA unknown, details..I have since let go of all the anger started applying the DB principles. W found a place and I helped her move out this weekend. Some of DB principles I have been applying. I have stopped the pursuit. I have focused my love on our D (which she has taken notice of) She tries to bait me to see how I will respond like spending $ at a sex shop on our cc then leaving a toy out where I could find it (our sex life has stunk for the last several months. W also had her tattoo redone but didn't tell me (cc again) When I discovered it I just said it looked real nice. Last week I asked if she needed help moving. She never told me so I planned a trip. When I told her I was going she tried to start a fight because W assumed I was going to help, "I guess since we are getting a D you don't need to help" I refused to take the bait, delayed my trip to help. 3 of us even went to the movie that night. After the movie she said that we all needed to go to Disney world together. I went on my trip, part of my 180/going dark. Never called her. Did get a phone call 2 days later. D was on the phone. W said D had been asking for me. (or was she curious?) W came over later that day to get more of her things. When she left, she sought me out, gave me a big hug and a kiss on the lips (1st time in long while). I see the confusion in her as I remain calm and supportive through out this whole thing. MIL did tell me other day that W had told her she was trying to become an Adult...Are these positive signs? Thanks again for all the wisdom and help you are providing. C
Thank you. That was so obvious yet I somehow completely missed it. I haven't written anything yet. Basically, I was waiting until after my birthday (today) to see if I heard from her at all. Then I was meeting with therapist Saturday morning to discuss what did/didn't happen and figure out what to do. I was still confused, but what you said made perfect sense.
I'm still going to wait a bit before writing anything. I'm way too emotional today. First, all week long I've been hearing people talk about the tragic events of this week and saying something along the lines of letting the people you love know that you love them. I haven't even talked to the person I love more than anything in weeks. Then my birthday comes along, and so far nothing, not even an e-card. I was already feeling more alone than I ever had and I reach into the drawer next to me for something and pull out an old note from W that finally pushed me over the edge and brought me to tears.
I'm sorry, that last "self-pity" paragraph wasn't really appropriate to this thread, but I needed to let it out somewhere...
Doer, Sounds like you have got the Divorce Remedy steps down pat so far. Good for you. Yes, everything sounds positive. Continue your plan, watch her responses- as you have been- and let us know what happens. You're doing great! Michele
User, First of all, happy birthday. Oops, a little late. But happy birthday anyway. Hey listen, it's not self-pity when you feel sad about your marriage being on the rocks. It's normal. Plus, no matter what you wife is feeling at the moment, she could have stepped outside of herself to say happy birthday. I would feel upset too. Don't be hard on yourself about this. Plus, there's extra stress right now. Everyone is feeling what's happening in the world.
But tomorrow is another day and I'm certain you'll be clearer about the steps you're going to take.
I'm glad my suggestion helped. Keep us posted. Michele
