Interesting note to my testing the waters. My D went to see her mother today, about getting some money. My W asked my D about my line dancing and heard i met someone. My D told her he made lots of friends there why? She said she was glad i was meeitng people, and then said to her" Your father asked me if I was thinking about us, I didn't answer him". She told her this right after she asked about me meeting someone (woman) at line dancing. My D asked why she didn't answer and she said well I'm glad he's meeting people. They went on talking, but my D said she looked nervous.
I never mentioned my testing the waters to anyone but this board.
Great weekend planned. House cleaning like a white tornado, too much rain to do my other projects outside. really wanna get into real good. feeling real good about myself right now. My kids have been leaving me messages all week about how great I am, and how great they feel about me, more than ever they say they respect me. You know, that's what this is all about, me being the person who doesn't command respect, its placed upon him. you all have a great weekend...
Well its Monday, weekend over. Asked the BIL to leave due to not paying rent and sitting around baked every night. No arguments from him. This is it for my visual stress. Bills are caught up, thank the Lord, and now my emotions are on level ground. Couple of small signs from her, nothing worth going into. Word is she is miserable and looks it. Haven't seen her physically in person in over 3 weeks. Her birthday is Wednesday, wasn't planning on acknowledging it, is that wrong? Should I? Stillhaving an emotional battle about thansgiving. Figure I'll show up for dinner, stay for coffee after and leave. My kids say they will not go if I don't. Not fair to my FIL. Want this to be over, NOW!!!! Ain't gonna happen, just thought I'd voice that.
Holidays are the toughest time. Especially for the newly separated.
The only thing I can say is you will survive it. Moment by heart-wrenching moment, you will survive.
Your "kids" shouldn't say if you're not going, they're not going. They're not 12 years old for Christ's sake!
I would ignore her birthday. But then I'm kinda hard on walk-aways at times.
Nevertheless...you reap what you sow. And the sooner LBSs start letting WASs reap it, the harder reality hits them and they have a chance then of realizing the ways in which they actually had it pretty damn good.
that's the way i feel too...If she doesn't see emotional seperation from me, she will linger. My kids are feeling the crunch a lot harder these past two weeks. I don't know why. I need to ask another question, do WAW , who have OM, feel jealous if they "think" the LBS has someone or is possibly seeing someone? I had read in a couple of books and on-line that when they feel their "safey net" or "security blanket" is no longer avilable to them, they start to re-assess their decision at a different level. Wnated to know if anyone here has seen this or been through it. I have friends who went throguh it and that is what gt her thinking differently about her situation. I know everyone's sitch is different. I don't have anyone else nor am I seeing anyone, nor am I pursuing seeing anyone.
I am not looking to play up a jealousy type situation, but she has heard things wich are not true about me. I don't know that I should set it stragiht with her or let her just continue to think it, even though it is definitely not true. I know being dark has to do with creating an enigma of which she knows nothing and gets her wondering.
AmyC once again thanks for your words. I totally agree with ignoring it. I have implemented a strategy that has had some positive feedback. Here it is, in times of seperation, both physically and emotionally, there has to be some sign of existence or presence. The reason people have pictures of people, loved ones, deceased relatives, etc. is so they don't forget them. With that in mind, I have implemented a sort of "text reminder". Randomly, mostly Saturday mornings, I text her a simple "Good Morning". I do not expect a reply nor do I get text-itis. I started this a coup of weeks back. No response. didn't expect one. This past Saturday, sent the message at 7:15 AM. At 6:50 PM, I received "sorry. Morning" from her. Her responding came on the heels of this thought that she thinks I am seeing somebody or somebody has interest in me or whatever her thought process is. I am very dark, almost to a fault since her conversation with my youngest D last Friday. Ignoring her birthday will be hard for me, but I also believe, as AmyC indicated, that she will see this as a bad thing. It is. She needs to start realizibng that no us means "NO US" and ntil she takes steps to move towards an "Us" mentallity, then I will be emotionally distant. I am much stronger than I had ever realized. I am going to get into my journal tonight and really catch up. As for my new Text Strategy about throwing some Good Mornings or even a good night out to her, anyone have any thoughts? It is random, once a week, two words. The intent is to do it for a few more weeks and then stop, to see if she notices or if she even starts it back up. The reason I chose Saturday morning is because that's when I sit in my chair drinking coffee, watching the news and thinking, she is missing this serenity. So I sent it. Since I have no other contact, other than reminding her of the car insurance money she owes monthly, there is none. I mean absolutely none! I know I need to be out of sight out of mind for her to start missing me, but throwing this splinter out there on occassion, I think, is beneficial. I do know her, the real her inside of this mess, and know that when she sees that, she smiles and laughs. she is thinking , WTF is he doing. Thats the idea. Again, ay thoughts, anyone?
Can anyone give me some more info on MLC. I have researched and read what I could, but I am looking more for the correlation between MLC and WAW. I want to know if WAW is product of MLC. Just trying to wrap my arms around things a little better i guess. Something doesn't feel right and I am not sure what it is. Her supposed unhappiness, coupled with my son being led to believe on Halloween that my W indicated it was over between her and OM and her current remarks to my younger D about me moving on and her ignoring my question about her thinking about us. I know her mind is not rational nor is she focused on anything other than trying to make herself happy, but something isn't right. I feel something is happening and i don't know if it is good or bad....Its a feeling, nothing concrete, nothing i have heard or seen, but something isn't right. AmyC or Sandi, can you help me with this feeling...Its almost psychic.
Regarding your question about the random texts; that's one I struggle with as well.
I think you'll get valid arguments for and against, but personally, I believe there has to be some level of interaction, even if it is just a text now and then. I'm not talking about any type of chasing, badgering, or pleading (as you're well aware), but rather creative ways to maintain a friendly connection. While absence may make the heart grow fonder, I think too much distance can close the door. From my perspective, complete darkness would only be employed if I was in that place where I was constantly backsliding and lacked personal strength and confidence. If you're in a good place mentally I see no problem with an occasional friendly text. I'll be curious to hear what others have to say.
Me: 35 WAW: 34 T: 7.5 yrs M: 3 yrs (2/14/05) no kids ILYB...& EA Bomb 1/5/07 S - 6/15/7 PA started 6/16/07 D Final 10/14/08
thanks for your response. I have been thinking long and hard about doing my little "Good Mornings" for quite some time. the mood hit me one Satutrday morning as I was sitting all alone. So I sent it. No harm no foul. Two words, simple. i didn't get a response and I didn't expect one. Following Saturday i did almost 12 hours later. I don't thnk she delayed it, she has real bad service where she is staying. My point is simply this, she responded to two words. I had text her 2 days before when I tested the waters and asked if she'd been thinking about us. No reply, nothing ventured, nothing gained. AmyC warned me, but I tried it. she mentioned the question I text her to my younger D, she knew damn well she'd tell me that. She answered it. did i get the answer to my question, yes. 2 months ago I tried this, nothing hurt like hell. Not today. glad she responded, not turning cartwheels over it.
I am in a very strong position right now. I have found great strength on this board and have received very good, consistent and supporting advice that has made me realize the situation for what it is. I agree tha tI have to have something therenow after being absent, visibly and emotioally for a while. I took down her pictures, packed up the rest of her clothes and have not seen her face in over 3 weeks. She appears to be failing on herself. She hasn't hit bottom yet, which I believe is close to happening. I am not throwing her lifelines, sending her love notes, nothing other than "Good Morning". I did not reply to her reply. I want to see if I can establish something using these two words. make her get up on Saturday mornings and check to see if i sent it to her. It is not badgering or pestering or pursuing. I know how she thinks or at least how she used to. I know how she will process this and I know her response to seeing the text. Her big thing will be Why?. that is what I want. Her to wonder why? I am also interested in seeing who responds and what advice they can offer. The best advice is coming from the women who left and went back and they can tell not exactly but generally if you are doing something moronic or something that may have a benefit. So we shall see.
I've been back and forth in my mind today since reading of your texts.
On the one hand, if random enough, and she continues to not reply, she could think you are sending them to her by mistake - and assume you meant to send them to another woman. That's the danger of being SO short with just "Good morning".
On the other hand, it COULD become something she gets used to and then one Saturday when you don't send one, inspire HER to text YOU.
I doubt that will happen but I wouldn't mind being wrong at all.
I think it's a dangerous game you're playing.
Strategy, of ANY kind, always is.
Just be careful and remember: no expectations.
And above all else just be true to yourself and only do what feels right to you in your soul.
AmyC, we are so much in sync. I had wondered the same thing on the first Saturday, then the second, that maybe she thought they were inteneded for someone else. I heard the first one she did think that. the second one she truly did get late. I heard she enjoyed getting it. It is a dangerous game, but all the things deep and dark going on with this sitch are dangerous. I tightrope walk on dental floss, I know you know what I mean. Some things developed last night that sent me off, emotionally. I came to tears. AmyC i need some perspective from you and Sandi. here it is:
Her best friend called to leave me a message yesterday. I got home, and saw she called. Called her back thinking it was for another reason. So I started talking about the other thing. she stopped me and told me that was not why she was calling. First she reminded me of W birthday today, which i told her I painfully know. Second she told me that the W weekend with OM was very bad, not good at all. My supposed situation with another woman has my W in a spin. She told her friend that she wanted to stick her head in at my line dancing to see if I was really doing that (?). I found that strange. She says now that someone else may be in the picture she won't she says it would be too hard for her. Next, her friend told me that she is a wreck, she belives that now she thinks someone else is playing with "her shelved video game" (me) it has her backpedaling like crazy. The friend advised me to do something that me and you agreed that I shouldn't do, acknowledge her birthday. Her best friend is like a sister to me, and sometimes she gets me to do things by subtly changing context. she told me to send a card with my daughter, something short and nice. She says my Wnees that right now. She was vwery adament about this, to the point of arguing and then saying well its your decision, but I really think you need to do this. I asked her point blank if my W said anything to her regarding getting any type of b'day anything from me and she said no. i know this person very well and she doesn't lie and she is a true friend. She has helped me throughout this situation so I am complying because something was said in her conversation with the W that has made her call me and do this.
She reiterated that the W weekend was not good, not good at all. she didn't go into details because she wouldn't due to her realtionship with W which I respect. AmyC, what I need from you is simply this, when you came around, as you had posted, you realized you were broke and unconnected. Did you feel vulnerable, emotionally, like you had made a mistake and needed to undo it? My W is confiding in friends as of the past week about her financial situation. this seems to be her main topic of discussion, how sad. I have written the following in her Birthday card, the word love does not appear anywhere.
...of all the years; ...of all the Birthdays; ...of this one I wish you; The Happiest of Birthdays Most of All.
Me
I know I am not supposed to believe anything she says and only believe half of what I hear which has been my credo for months. This friend is the one who told my W she wanted nothing to do with OM or if my W was with him, not to ask her and her husband to hang out. why would she get into a conversation about him with her? Why was my W going to go to my line dance classes and check it out? What was she going to join? No, she told her BF that she wanted to see if I was really going and how I was doing. When she heard about possible OW, she told her friend that she won't now because it would be weird to see me with someone else. WTF!. Sorry. Her BF is indicating the train wreck is around the corner right now. I will post again tonight or tomorrow morning but will be looking for a response from you on this. AmyC, is it possible she is heading out of the tunnel? Are these indications that , as I have been feeling, something is going on?
