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So wonderful to hear from you Dana - especially to hear that you're doing so well!! Thank you for posting.


Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7
Bomb 1 10/07/06
Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15
Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07
Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate
2/08 slowly improving
7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!)
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Thanks everyone.

Today was a strange day. I went to the coffee shop to work. After being there about 10 minutes, my ex-husband tapped me on the shoulder. I haven't spoken to him since, I believe, June of 2007. We emailed some after that date to get details of the divorce figured out but we didn't speak on the phone or in person after. Once the divorce was final, I changed my phone number etc. and besides seeing him when I've walked into bars a few times (and then turning around) and running into him at the grocery store once last January (he only lives 1/2 mile from me in an apartment), we haven't talked. I've refused communication.

Tonight I'm understanding why. It's icky.

So anyway, he came up to me, we made small talk, and then he asked again if we could get together sometime to talk and catch up. I finally just asked why. Why would we do that? What is the motivation? What could come of up? He said he wanted to know how I am, that he thinks of me, wants me to be well, wants to know about my life, etc. I told him that while I wonder those things too, I don't really want to know the answers and that he lost that right to know about my life when he walked out of our marriage. I really do feel that even if I forgive, I don't owe him anything and it isn't healthy to have a relationship. He treated me horrible and I feel a consequence of that is that we no longer can have any kind of relationship. We do not have mutual friends, we do not have a family together, etc. I don't know what good could come of a continued relationship.

Anyway, I explained why I didn't want to meet. We started talking and we just had the conversation there. We talked for an hour. Some of it was just niceties about families, jobs, etc. but we talked too about other things. He told me he has many regrets (said I'd know that if I read his letters), said he can't beleive he did what he did, that he treated me that way, that he still has to heal from it all and is. Said he had to change jobs in his company because of poor performance during everything, that he is moving from a 2 bedroom to a 1 bedroom apartment for money reasons, and that he is not seeing anyone. He said he fell in love with the woman he had an affair with (still claims it was not physical at all) but that he doesn't know what that all meant or was and that they hardly even speak now. He said that it took me cutting him out of his life, saying that I didn't want anything to do with him anymore, for him to start to wake up. He said he wonders sometimes if we had just cut off contact early on, if things would be different, if we could have healed, etc.

Anyway, it was a relief to hear that he has regrets and that he no longer blames me for everything. He even said he realizes that he had unconditional love and he threw it away and he hopes to find that again some day. He said I was a wonderful woman. I needed to hear that. Or I wanted to hear that. I've always worried that if we did get together to catch up, that I'd hear more of the same things I heard when we were separated and I didn't need to hear those anymore. It's nice to know that he wonders about how it could have ended different and he even realizes that he made mistakes and that he shouldn't have had the affair and didn't communicate to me so that I could meet his needs. I am relieved to hear that. Relieved to know that I'm not crazy and those things should have happened, that it wasn't all my fault, and that he takes responsibility too.

It was hard to see him. Initially, I felt good about it. Tonight I feel icky. when it comes down to it, I've cut off ties for good reason. He was my husband. I love him. I can't have a life or relationship with him, which means I do not want contact. It just makes me question myself. It reminds me of so much hurt. I want to move on and make new memories and a new life. I want to be happy and I am defining that and making it happen.

I think many people when they get divorce, especially if they were the ones to leave the marriage, wonder later on why you can't catch up, etc. You were married, why can't you know what's happening to someone who was so close to you. My brother, who ended his marriage by being horrible to his wife, has said that to me about his exwife. He finds it strange that they can't talk and he can't get updates. I understand their viewpoint to some extent.... but they left their marriages,... they seem, in my opinion, to have lost that right. My brother wants to know his exwife is okay. She wants to move on and not have the pain. The constant reminder that someone threw your marriage away is icky. Because in the end, even if you both made mistakes, one of you walked and the other didn't want that. Even if you are happy, I don't know what good can come of that connection when you don't have kids, etc.

So while I am relieved and I know I heard things today that many on these boards would love to hear, I think it just made me realize that it will never be enough. It was broken. It can't be fixed. And I want to move forward and not have that reminder or dwell on it. I want to focus on the good that can come of it and making what is left of my life great.


Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius

Me: 32 XH: 33
M: 8 years
Affair discovered: 06/2006
rediscovered: 11/2006
Separation: 04/2007
Divorced: 10/09/07
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Dana -
Honey - I'm so sorry you didn't have the experience I hoped you'd have.....the one where you ask yourself "WHAT did I ever SEE in that creep?".

Oh well - believe one thing, IT WASN'T YOU - you are a delightful, adorable, warm-hearted woman and you will find someone who can love you as unconditionally as you love.

((Hugs))

Ellie

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galing Offline OP
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Ellie,

Thanks. I think my experience, while it might not be the one we hope for, is realistic and that's why I wanted to share it. Not all people who cheat are the worst creatures in the world or remain that way. Unfortunately, many of them are humans who make huge mistakes and if they are lucky, they later learn from them. What he did was horrible, it broke our marriage and I never want to be with him again, but I can acknowledge that I did marry a nice man and he may be that again or more likely, hopefully on his way to becoming that again.

I did see and hear many things that reminded me why we had issues and that made me relieved that we aren't together. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting here pining after him at all, but it still hurts to think about it all and to know what happened and how it ended.


Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius

Me: 32 XH: 33
M: 8 years
Affair discovered: 06/2006
rediscovered: 11/2006
Separation: 04/2007
Divorced: 10/09/07
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Dana,

I am sorry to hear you had that experience. I guess I see things differently. If he really was a good hearted and nice man, he NEVER would have had an affair. I firmly believe that when you love deeply having an A is just not a possibility. I could never have done that to my exW....... Maybe, I am an odd bird?

I pray you find all the best.

RMG


"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"

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galing Offline OP
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RMG,

I agree - I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses for him. Again, I don't agree with what he did. And, the fact that he had an affair makes me know that I do not want a relationship with him again because I would never know what he's capable of or how he'd handle life's challenges and hardships. To me, the affair shows that that person has very weak ways of handling tough times. I wouldn't want to subject myself to that again.

However, my point is, he was a nice man. He did love. I accept that I was responsible for my marriage having problems too. I am not saying that makes the affair acceptable. The way he handled those problems was completely inappropriate and broke our marriage, my trust for him and my respect. In the end, it is me who would not want the marriage again. The other things were fixable issues that together we could have worked on.

However, I think too often we blame all the issues on the affair or on the other person. He isn't the devil. He isn't a horrible human being. He did horrible things. They are different.

I refuse to have contact with him because of what he did and how he treated me and how it hurts me and the fact that I will not subject myself to that again, however, I do believe he can have a happy and healthy life IF he learns from his mistakes. Regardless of who he marries again someday, they will have problems as he and I did, and I think he realizes from listening to him today, that what he did with those problems is what broke the marriage, not the problems themself.

I guess I am hopeful that he'll have a happy life again.


Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius

Me: 32 XH: 33
M: 8 years
Affair discovered: 06/2006
rediscovered: 11/2006
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Divorced: 10/09/07
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Hi little d...
I'm sorry that the convo today started to feel icky for you. I think that, unfortunately, that is so normal. You're validated and justified while at the same time being hit with the reality that you went thru hell and he finally is starting to see 'what he did wrong' blah blah blah. I mean, jeez, how can you not feel icky and think that maybe all of this pain you've experienced could have been minimized or even avoided.

Bottom line is you gave it your all. You did a damn good job of trying to keep your M together. Be proud of that. Mourn the loss if you need to, but I've no doubt you'll bounce back soon and realize that this is just another day in the fabulous life of Dana. It's normal to feel icky. It was all icky. You were treated icky. Icky is the perfect word to describe this.

Hugs to you my friend.

Julie


I matter.

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Dana,

I understand where you are coming from concerning the exH. You do want him to find happiness. I think that is very positive. I believe wishing someone ill is just simply bad karma.

However, these people could really try - go to IC, realize their mistakes, work on themselves and get into a R/M. The troubling thing is I still honestly believe that capability will be there. When (not if) their R/M hits a rough spot, that tendency to bolt will still be there.... I guess I see that as someone who is an addict.... They will need to control that tendency for the rest of their lives....

I totally understand you wanting to have no contact with him. In many ways, I believe the one who leaves still wants to see what is going on with the LBS. I think many of them want to see how they are doing... If they have moved on..... I think many of them want to "pop in" to see how it impacts the LBS...I think it is just more selfishness..... Perhaps, some of them have genuine regrets and wish to reconnect?

Quote:
Regardless of who he marries again someday, they will have problems as he and I did, and I think he realizes from listening to him today, that what he did with those problems is what broke the marriage, not the problems themself.


Some people take a VERY long while to "get" that one..... I still think my exW is totally clueless in that area...

RMG


"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"

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Originally Posted By: galing
He was my husband. I love him. I can't have a life or relationship with him, which means I do not want contact. It just makes me question myself. It reminds me of so much hurt.


Dana,

When I revisited your post, those words really spoke to me...... I read them... I read them again.... Those are so very powerful.... I have known that feeling so very well.....

Take Care,

RMG

Last edited by RMG; 10/16/08 10:48 PM.

"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"

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Dana--
I just wanted to let you know that I caught up with you...sounds like you are right where you are supposed to be...

(((((d))))))

--Donna

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