I am posting this question to any WAW who had an affair.
My W has been having an EA for 6 months now. W wants a divorce and we are working with a moderator. W is still in the house, we have 3 kids. The "plan" is to D in the new year. I have been DBing since the summer (I know, patience, patience). I ahve made a lot of changes and am a much better person for it. One thing that my IC is really working with me on is to not "submerge" my feeling and to ask for what I want. In other works self-respect.
My question is whether A) my W views me as a doormat for "putting up" with her A by saying nothing or b) do I "respect myself" by asking her to end A or, if not, ask that we seperate immediately. If any WAW could chime in, I would greatly appreciate it.
Hi, I had an on-line EA...does that count for your question ? If so, here goes.....
1. I agree with your IC that you need to express your feelings. However, now may not be the best time. Is your W receptive to hearing your feelings ? If not, you'll feel invalidated, & rejected. That's not good. You can practice expressing your feelings out loud or in your mind just with yourself. Be aware of what you're feeling.
Prior to her having an EA (which is very hard to pin down anyway, are they really just close friends ? do they want it to move physical? does she plan to be with him after your D ? ).
Were you controlling, domineering or a doormat before ? Whatever you were before, do a 180 now. If you were domineering & demanding & would have slammed your hand on the table & INSISTED she end it, I wouldn't do that. My H was like that before, & if he even tried it after the bomb, I'd walk away from him. He just pissed me off by trying the same old [censored] that I'd been telling him didn't work for the past 17 years.
I'd work on myself, & let her work on herself. You can ask for certain boundaries, like not having OM at your house, her not getting physical with him, not telling him confidential relationship information, etc, etc. I don't think you can ask her not to speak to him at all. I think it's appropriate to ask her not to speak or text to him when you are around.
& to each of your requests she can respectfully say, "sure", "no", or "I'll think about it".
Let me know how it goes.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Thanks SC once again for your reply. It helps so much during this confusing time.
Originally Posted By: smartcookie
1. I agree with your IC that you need to express your feelings. However, now may not be the best time. Is your W receptive to hearing your feelings ? If not, you'll feel invalidated, & rejected. That's not good. You can practice expressing your feelings out loud or in your mind just with yourself. Be aware of what you're feeling.
I think she is open to my feelings but clearly not at the expense of hers.
Originally Posted By: smartcookie
Prior to her having an EA (which is very hard to pin down anyway, are they really just close friends ? do they want it to move physical? does she plan to be with him after your D ? ).
They are planning on being together after our & his D. They quickly went from friends to lovers.
Originally Posted By: smartcookie
Were you controlling, domineering or a doormat before ? Whatever you were before, do a 180 now. If you were domineering & demanding & would have slammed your hand on the table & INSISTED she end it, I wouldn't do that. My H was like that before, & if he even tried it after the bomb, I'd walk away from him. He just pissed me off by trying the same old [censored] that I'd been telling him didn't work for the past 17 years.
I never told my W what to do and I do not believe I was domineering or controling. However she may believe I have been controling. I think she views it more as her values restricted her - "why be married to someone I do not love."
Originally Posted By: smartcookie
I'd work on myself, & let her work on herself. You can ask for certain boundaries, like not having OM at your house, her not getting physical with him, not telling him confidential relationship information, etc, etc. I don't think you can ask her not to speak to him at all. I think it's appropriate to ask her not to speak or text to him when you are around.
We pretty much have those boundaries.
It is so hard to have the person I love committed to someone else.
