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Joined: Aug 2010
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Next Monday it will be 6 months since I got divorced, and nearly a year since I found out about the emotional affair, which then turned into a regular affair.

I still love my ex-h, and I probably always will. I met him when I was 17, he was my first real love, and we have two wonderful children together. He's not the same person that I met, but that's at least in part because he has some mental health issues that he has not and probably will not deal with. But I am feeling at peace with my decision to get divorced. I am so blessed to have a family that supports me, despite the fact that they are all devoutly Catholic and don't technically believe in divorce - even my Aunties who are nuns have been nothing but supportive.

I am so blessed that his family is still including me, because I met them when I was 17, too, and I consider them my family.

I am so blessed to have so many friends who are there to listen. Including my therapist!

My goals are:
1. to be a strong role model for my daughters, and to keep my relationship with my ex as civil as its been.
2. finish my degree
3. get financially secure (I'm on my way already)
4. to take care of myself

I do get bummed from time to time. I worry that I'll be alone forever, and I really miss a lot of things about being in a relationship - the sex, yes, certainly, but also the intimacy of having someone there who knows everything about you and still accepts and loves you. But he didn't, and that's what we all deserve, so I figure if I focus on living my life and being happy, that good things will come of it.

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I was going through old pictures and mementos yesterday, and found this beautiful piece written by Veronica A. Shoffstall, titled "After A While" , dated 12-23-95, year I met my STBXH. The story is geared toward women, but is applicable to anyone who is losing or has lost their R or M.


"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and
chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman not the grief of a child and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and that you really do have worth and you learn and you learn, with every goodbye, you learn".

Take care all~


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My goal is to have a deep spiritual life.
My goal is to be in the top 20% of the sales people in my company.
My goal is to get most of my business through referrals.
My goal is to weigh 130 lbs.
My goal is to always be a good mom, good daughter, good friend.
My goal is to entertain friends 4 times a year.
My goal is to keep an organized household.


You must grow in patience when you meet with great wrongs, and they will then be powerless to vex your mind. ---Leonardo da Vinci

Me:63 H:66
M:36 yrs
MLC, OW
Bomb: 1-2005
D: 6-2006
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Love it, love it!! My XH has recently had kidney stones (the ones that really hurt) and will be needing surgery shortly. Ironically was with me for 21 years and never was ill and then goes to the OW and starts having issues with his UHUH!!


Me 37 years young!!
S11
S7
T22
M14
D final 13.05.2010
Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!!
First post: D Day has arrived
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Gosh, our stories are similar it is frigthening. The only difference is XH is probably in MLC and not recognising that he is actually suffering from depression. Also, unfortunatley I have lost my in-laws. They kept the A from me and in some instances aided it so I have decided not to have contact with them. I cant be with people who condone affairs!!


Me 37 years young!!
S11
S7
T22
M14
D final 13.05.2010
Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!!
First post: D Day has arrived
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 104
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My goals are to focus on my kids and my job and my blessings...friends, family and God.

--My kids are great and they need me.
--I am so lucky that I work for myself and love my job. I need to keep the practice growing
--I have wonderful friends, old and new, and I love spending time with them. I tried a new relationship with a very nice man, but didn't want to spend all of the very little free time I have with just him. I want community right now. A big circle, not a little one.
--My family took a back seat during my M, and I'm enjoying spending more relaxed time with them. My XH didn't like them and they have said they did not feel welcome in my home. I want an "open door" where everyone is welcome
--I want to continue the spiritual journey I'm on and replace "wanting" and "desire" (all future things) with "enjoyment" (a present thing). This is hard for me because I'm a forward looking person. Hard to just be quiet and sit still in the moment!
--I want to get past thinking about XH and OW. To not have them take one molecule of precious space in me. This might be the hardest thing. Even if divorce is eventually a relief and if you feel happier and freer, the processing of all the junk is hard to get through. Externally I've let it go, but internally it still takes up space. I think many of us might still have some hope that the X will "wake up" and become the person you thought you married, instead of their current undesirable self. Its the illusion of who you thought they were that is hard to let go of. Would I even LIKE my X now if I met him today. I don't think so. Hard to reconcile that with the man I married.

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This is great. Time to revisit the setting of goals for me.
D will be final in a week & a day.
1. Get through court date next week, & as someone on here posted, see my H for probably the last time. (though I haven't seen him since Nov. '09 so it's not going to be a shock)

2. Get the $ & financial issues settled. which i'll probably have to initiate, since H has done little to take care of separating insur. etc. though he was in a rush to D. sigh.

3. Save $ for a down payment on a house. God bless my brother for letting me live at his house for reduced rent & w my 2 large dogs!

4. Finalize changing my name back to "maiden" name.

5. Begin looking at houses in earnest. Already have idea of type/neighborhood of where I'd like to live.

6. Go back to my art meet up & start painting regularly.

7. After D dust settles, focus more on making my job/career more satisfying & stop feeling like a hamster on a wheel.

8. Make service or volunteering a priority

9. Make travel / vacation plans

10. Be a genuine, caring human being who is wiser but not bitter, always trying to be better. And not ever ever letting anyone be my main happiness, for I thankful to all on here who have reminded me that has to come from me.

11. Date, JUST date. I don't want a relationship now or for a long long time. But wouldn't mind dating - after ensuring the guy is SINGLE! Very casual, fun, no big deal. Just want to have fun now, that's it!

12. Keep on healing, b/c I know the days are not yet over when grief brings me to my knees. I will always want to be of support to my DB peeps, b/c I can never really thank you all enough for what you've given me.

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LFA, oh, dear LFA!

Is this your thread?

I wasn't able to post for awhile at my sister's for Tgiving. Travel, cold, etc., blah blah.

I thought of you on December 3rd. Still thinking of you, now.

How did it all go?

I love your goals! I have to get some, myself.

Please keep me posted on how you are doing.

I will keep reminding you of your goals if you remind me of mine! (once I get some)

I hope all is well-

Aver

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Aver ((()))),
No I still have to start a new one! I'll catch you up tomorrow but long story short is, the date got moved to Dec. 22! His L screwed up & finally got back to my L day before, saying she couldn't make it!! Apparently was pretty nasty too. My L was in disbelief, says she's never seen anything like this supposed L. Anyway, tomorrow's the court date. Lucky Dec. 22! Happy holidays! I was never that into Christmas, but ugghhh. I'm OK, & hope you're doing OK too. I've read your last post & I am thinking & praying for you. Stay strong Aver, you will surmount this & be better than ever! I'll post you soon. Hugs, LFA :-)

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Hi!

This is my first time posting on this section of the board. Long story short - I have fought for my marragie - did everything I could - to no avail. My husband of 16 years has been having an EA/PA with a 20 year old kid. I filed for divorce about a month ago. It has been horrible.

He is making all kinds of threats and I am just worried about supporting myself and the kids. I recently went back to work after 13 years of basically being a SAHM - working on Saturdays only.

I want to move on, to forget about him - but, the fact that I am still so hurt and still get so upset and that every time I try to speak with my H, I end up in tears. It ends in an argument.

But, I need to look forward and to deal with what IS. In about 2 months, the D should be final. I think I am scared more than anything else. I have been with him since I was 17. I don't want to be alone - I'm afraid I won't find anyone to spend my life with - but, that would be a goal - to find a parter, a man I can count on.

I would like financial freedom - or at least knowing I can pay my bills and not have to worry. And I would like my kids to be happy. I want to be happy.

I think I am a little stuck right now - I don't know how to move on. This would still not be my choice. I am the one that filed - but, only becuase I had no choice. I couldnt' take it anymore - didnt' want my children to think that this is what amarraige is.

Any advice for someone still thinking...I wish...and what if... how do you move on? Setting goals is great. I have tried, but feel like I am stuck in the same place.


Me:36 H:38
Together: 20 years
Married: 16 years
Kids: 13 & 10 yr. old
Discovered affair: 1/10
H denies affair. Refuses to save marraige.
Divorce filed: December 2010
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