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So here I am, finally, on Goals For Surviving.

Since coming to Surviving The Big D in January, slightly in advance of my Feb. 7 divorce, I've avoided the first 4 threads on this forum. Didn't even open or glance at them. I don't know why, really. Just more painful acknowlegement that I am, in fact, divorced?

Admitting I need to formulate and attain goals as I move forward alone felt foreign, frightening. And, I suppose it was the finality of facing that I am alone that kept me from this thread. I did drop in on Rebound yesterday, though and stated my Rebound Avoidance Plan.

After 17 years of mostly "our goals," I have to set my goals. That alone is sobering and frightening.
Hold on, here: Aren't I supposed to be doing something else for somebody else? That's what I've always done!

The first two are givens, so I'll list them but number my real goals beyond those two.

Sell and get out from under this house which has sucked me dry and into debt since X left.
Pay off all my debts after the sale.

Goals:

1) Find a small rental cottage nearby and work one more season in this area.

2) Read and do some of the appropriate solo work in The Divorce Remedy again for me (like really GAL once I'm out of debt/no longer constantly broke), as well as No More. Mr. Nice Guy, The Journey From Abandonment To Healing, and Getting Past Your Breakup. Out my entire reading backlog, these seem the most needed and relevant right now. Seligman and Snarch may well follow those.

2) Continue my two new habits of ensuring I spend at least 15 minutes per day in activities devoted to my Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual needs and development. Especially spiritual: continue to investigate and explore different Eastern Religions and secular groups with an emphasis on the many forms of meditation, mind-stilling, and acceptance.

3) Reach out, go out, speak out in ways I never could or would before.

4) While in the cottage (estimate: 6 months) research where I want to go, what I want to do.
I was raised and taught to do it all by The Book. I did it all by The Book - twice!: Was a loving, good and dutiful husband, father, brother, son, friend, employee, and neighbor, etc., for seventeen years.

That got me tot tossed by W#1.

Met the woman-of-my-dreams and did it all by The Book again (though admittedly much, much happier): loving, good and dutiful husband, father, stepfather, brother, son, friend, employee, neighbor, etc. for seventeen years.

That got me tossed by W#2/WAW/Woman of my dreams.

Screw The Book! I now plan to write my own. While in the cottage I plan on selling most of what's left of my possessions after D, save some personal treasures in storage, pack up my truck and go. Possibly go to the pound first and pick up some dog who's "been tossed" himself. Go where? I don't know.
Camp my way cross-country. For many reasons not worth taking up space here, the Pacific Nortwest has been beckoning for some time now.

Along the way (or out of my way, as the case may be) I plan to look up and visit some of the DBers who've helped me maintain my sanity and perspective during the many times when I could not.

Do what, where, support yourself how? I don't know, yet, but I do know it will all work out and be fine.

I picture a small, green, progressive community, near the mountains or woods. Eugene, OR will be my first one "to try on for size."

A small rental place for Gardener. An enjoyable, modest job - or self-employment again.

People, activity, causes, and places to learn and enjoy. Not houses, enmeshments, and things and "stuff" to be had.

And some women whistle wink This two-time serial monogamist wants to meet, share with and enjoy more than one of God's most beautiful creatures. But no more marriage. Ever. Gardener believe vows are sacrosanct, that however you word them, they come down to: "I will never, ever give up on you."

I'm 0 for 2 in that department, too, have been summarily given up on twice, so I am done with marriage.

So, there it is: A few goals, but mostly a vision. A vision for chapter 3, for the twenty-five or thirty years I've got remaining.

Brought to you in the inimitable, verbose Gardener fashion. cool



Last edited by Gardener; 03/09/10 03:33 AM.

Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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This is Avermont--trying to figure out how to move threads from Infidelity/Jealousy to Surviving the Big D.

Cause that's where I am. That's what I have to do.

Goals for right now?

In a slump, so main goal is to find reasons to keep on going. Not finding much fun in this crazy thing we call life right now.

Goals for when I am feeling better:

Complete 1/2 marathon
Start trail running
Have a fling
Continue work with therapist to learn more about these things called "feelings". I don't have to like them, do I?

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Gardener, if in your travels you ever get to upstate New York, would you like to meet me for lunch?

I can appreciate how you feel about marriage. I figure it this way, marriage is a commitment from the heart, not a piece of paper. Regardless of that "binding" (can you mentally see me rolling my eyes?????) contract or not, it is very easy to walk away.

I have to say, now, back on topic, my goals have been achieved. When I first left El Paso, I vowed that I would find a job that I enjoyed (check), made enough money to live comfortably (check), find an apartment (check), get the Tween in school and settled (check), and get back on my feet, i.e. being able to pay my own bills (check, check).

With these goals accomplished, I have decided to take a rest. The only thing, right now, I want to remember is to cherish every day with the Tween because she is growing up so fast, and to maintain the relationships I have managed to build with D24 and D23. Oh oh a goal...find cute little DB names for my other daughters. Okay, ummmm D23 is the DQ (Drama Queen) and D24 is TC (Tough Cookie).

See...another goal accomplished....


Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..

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Just want to thank folks for their posts here. It is inspiring to see other folks who have walked through this nightmare define a successful path forward for them. I am just starting the divorce process after accepting my efforts at DBing aren't enough to save my marriage. It feels like I'm on the slopes of an emotional Mt. Everest.
My goals:
Today: breathe in and out.
This week: fill out divorce papers.
This month: see my husband likely for the last time, and feel some degree of closure in that, file for D
This year: dis-entangle myself financially and legally, finish grad school
Some day: look back on this experience with pride that I fought as hard as I could and loved as fiercely as I could and without the pain of failure and loss.
Always: to live fully, to laugh loudly, to give freely, to breathe deeply


Me 28
H 34
M 3yrs
D 10/12/2010

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...526#Post2088526

"He was powerful and I died of love in his shadow."
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I haven't been in here in a while. Checking in. Three years later. Two years after the D was finally over. Still get angry. Trying to dig out of this rut of being pissed, but have made great progress. Feel like I wasted 16 years of my life. But the process has made me a stronger person and man.

For all of you, day by day. Step by step. Worry about today, don't even look at tomorrow. It will take time.


Me: 47
Pet: Kind labrador, 12 years old. Best Friend anybody could have.

Divorce final 12/07/07
No Kids

It is no longer about the divorce or about her. It's all about how I live my life now.
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My goal(s):

1. To get back in the shape I was before he walked out. I was a fitness instructor for 20 years and I watched my muscles atrophy the past year. I'm fighting back and aiming to do a triathlon in August.

2. To start up with my volunteer work again.

3. To sleep 8 hours straight (some day it WILL happen).

4. To always remember I am in charge of my happiness and my life and I get to determine my future.

5. To become a scratch golfer...yeah right! smile

6. To always live in the present because the past is over and the future isn't here yet.


Me 55
H 49
Married 21 years
No kids
bomb 5/09
filed 7/09
divorced and moving forward 5/10

Life is all about Plan B
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It would be nice to sleep for more than a hour without waking up. Scratch golfer is not that hard. You have time now. Good luck, I hope you find your way and accomplish your goals.

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I don't know if WAS really do look back and feel like they made a mistake. I really don't think that they do. They made a decision and they stick to it with no regards to vows or anyone but themselves. Maybe a few do but I don't think that most do. They are just a selfish lot. What do you guys think? I was reading RMG post and I was thinking about this. I see no remorse. I mean my ex cried and said she never meant to hurt anyone but she was looking out for herself the whole time. She didn't care how she hurt as long as it was not her.

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par4me,

Some do. In your case though your XW has some SERIOUS mental health issues so she's not exactly in a typical state of mind.

Sure most get selfish, but they don't go to the extent as yours did and get married to a guy they just met in a week while popping pills and asking for money from you.

You can't place your W in the typical WAS role. Prolonged use of the drugs probably increased her paranoia and addictive nature. The only thing that can solve that is professional therapy or something so life altering that she'll snap out of her drug-fueled thinking.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Yes, She is truely mentally disturbed. How do you call begging me back and then I say ok and then not come back. That is screwed up. That was the last straw-it hurt me to badly. I got excited only to be let down which was worse than the first break up. I was just another shock. It was to much. She is almost at the bottom. I don't know how her life can get much worse than it is with her parents banning them from their house, her brothers and me. She could probably care less. She doesnt give a damn about anybody unless they are willing to help her out. This is not the women that I was married to. I have to keep reminding myself that she is gone. Never to return. I think she is to far gone to come back. Things in her life are only going to get worse. I would have done almost any reasonible thing for this girl and she betrayed me, used me and basically scorned me for no reason whatsoever. I did nothing wrong. I am one of the few I think that can say that they did not do anything wrong. So doing a 180 is not going to help. Doesn't matter, I am not planning on doing anything but get over this and live my life.

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