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Originally Posted By: Donna...Found
RMG-I can't believe how much this surprised me, how out of character it seems, coming from him. More than 20 years, and I never thought this was even a remote possibility. Naive? Well, now I am jaded, I guess.


Donna,

Jaded.... That is totally me.... It may sound corny.... I really believed my exW and I really loved each other... We would be together forever.... I knew we would have bumps in the road.....

BTW, I found a letter of hers from back in the Summer of 1994... She wrote about how much she "loved me and was so afraid to lose me again"......... What can I say? That woman is dead and buried... My new life goes on... Yet, that is still the HARDEST part.....

RMG

Last edited by RMG; 10/08/08 12:34 AM.

"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"

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Donna,
My $.02 - Re-read your previous post and pretend it is from someone else...what would your advise to them be?

Hope you are having more good days than bad.

Take care, SD


Me 41
W 41
Kids: S9 S7
Married 16 years
Bomb dropped 2/2/07
Still living together!
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I'll match superdad's 2 cents.


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You are right, SD. My head knows the answer...my heart is slow to catch up. That is the running theme in my whole mess and my reactions to it.

So, in what ways was my XM not working for me:


This is really hard. I think I made it work for me. I romanticized it.

I did think I was with someone with values similar to mine. Besides the obvious, I am also very service-minded. I was a Girl Scout leader in college, then again with my daughter. When my son started scouts, I tried to hang back, thinking x would want to be a leader like his own father was for over 25 years. He complained about the program, but refused to step up and do something about it. Finally, reluctantly, he took on asst leader, still complaining. I bit my tongue and let it go.

He did support me while I took a class in grassroots civic leadership. After the baby was born, he would watch her while I was in class, bringing her to me when she needed to nurse. I graduated at the state Capital, sitting in the Senator's seats. My picture (with my 3 month old on my lap) was on the front page of the paper. I joined AmeriCorp soon after, and went to training in VA (he accused me of having an affair while I was away--this when he was re-writing history, just before the truth came out and after the bomb, 8 YEARS after I went to train!).
One of the things he actually faulted me for was my involvement in service - I wasn't taking care of him or the house, took too much time, he wasn't "a priority."

As an artist, my first real inspiration was Michaelangelo's works. I have wanted to go see these in person since I was 17. It was never on the radar as possible in my M. He asserted that he was more interested in seeing our country first.
He did get me a coffee table book at some point (now I can't remember if I picked it out...?)

Since we moved into this house 12 years ago, I have been waiting to have "my" room, a sun room, finished. It was for my studio space. He got as far as skylights, but gutted and left the rest to storage and a general mess. I am getting someone in to finish the work very soon.

I felt like I had to fish for compliments when I went out of my way to look nice. I felt guilty for wishing that I would get some of the "traditional" woman gifts like jewelry and flowers (flowers were delivered on occasion, once at my job, and I was ecstatic!).

(note to self - this reflects my self-esteem, and feeling good when my relationship was validated or "proved" - I don't know if I ever believed my good fortune for having him as my H.)

He didn't read anything but the paper. Although his parents read daily and always have a book open, he hated to see me sitting and reading, especially when he saw "other things I should be doing."

I told him things that I would appreciate, be turned on by, like dancing (Dirty Dancing was a favorite movie of mine, but jokes from my dad and x made it feel stupid). Writing something, like he used to when we were first dating. And even then, it was hard for him. Even find a poem or something already written to share. He said that he already did so much for me; how could I ask for more?

I always liked working together. Any work that was boring or overwhelming to me, seemed easier to do with company. They didn't even have to pitch in, just sit and lend moral support. He thought that was a waste of time - we could be getting twice as much done. Then we'd have time "together." (I guess watching more tv?)

I hate complaining like this....

I find myself wanting to list all the things I DID get from the marriage...not something I need to go into right now. But there were good things...

OK, what else?

Ugh, this is enough for now. I will have to keep thinking. I have been trying to write this for 4 hours, now. Work tomorrow.

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Hey Ms. Donna..

Good to see you and read how your awareness is unfolding.

Looking from the outside in, I don't see complaining... just processing. My spouse used to say I was a "go along, get along" type of person in a way that made me feel bad. And you know what.. I was. I'd rather keep the surface smooth and be troubled within rather than risk my greatest fears.

Oops.

Here's a thought to toss in as you process. Your ex-husband's decision created enormous upheaval and change.

How are you the same?
How are you different?
What are the most surprising aspects you've discovered about yourself?
If you could go back in time to the marriage 'after the kiss' without your newfound growth and understanding knowing what you know now.. would you? Why or why not?

*hugs*

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Donna,

Reading the list you posted a while back, I'm trying to figure where the good parts of the marriage were. Porn in the ceiling? You went a year between haircuts? YOU didn't clean the house? Was he paralyzed or just disinterested in a clean house? For years, I was up to my elbows in the toilets on Saturday! Weird sex acts? Couldn't sit at the computer wihtout feeling guilty? I think you have rose colored Hubble telescope glasses on!

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As I went back and read what I wrote last night/this morning (ugh, 4 hours of sleep is not enough), I had a thought...

his acting ability has been honed throughout our entire relationship. He was always there to help me.

I wonder how much he did from his heart, and how much he did out of expectations from myself and others.

I look back and remember him always being there to support and help me.

I was in the Senior Class and Student Council in high school. I started a fundraiser to purchase Thanksgiving Baskets for needy families in our community. And there are pictures of the two of us, putting the baskets together. I was awarded the Gold Award in scouts. He never advanced past First Class (personal recognition wasn't important to him).

He was there all through college, acting as my "studio assistant" while I did my artwork. He went right to work after high school, quickly becoming the shop foreman at a ridiculously young age. I loved that he was a natural leader. But we saw each other often, just about every single weekend. I actually chose my school so I was within driving distance, and went home every weekend instead of hanging with my friends. I didn't drink, so that part of it wasn't missed, but in looking back, I did forego making closer friendships with more people - I have regrets about that. I went home for him, and for my sister (to be her Girl Scout leader). I think I felt bad that I had left her there when I went to college. We are 10 years apart, and I helped raise her; mom was an alcoholic.

X didn't go out with "the buds." He hung with his family, mostly. He was on the phone with me a lot, and working. He hadn't liked school, and only had two or three friends that he kept in touch with after high school. He didn't just go over to be with them...
I adopted his dream that we would travel America on his motorcycle, tent and backpack. I drew pictures of our little cape on a lake, with a canoe and white picket fence.

His world revolved around me and our families. When we went out, it was as a couple, with his sibs, or with my friends. He didn't like most of my friends from college, especially the guys. I remember sitting and talking about "the meaning of life" with them until 3 or 4 in the morning, and X would be amazed and a little disgusted that they couldn't fix a flat on their cars. He could (and did) fix everything. He and I didn't have as many deep conversations, and ones we did were initiated by me.

X and I married a week after I graduated college.

We traveled by car to Maine without reservations or an itinerary. It was beautiful, and free, and what we thought it would always be like between us - discovering new places together, walking hand in hand.

We adopted a puppy on our way home. I stayed at home for about 6 months afterwards, blanketing the Island with resumes while I trained the dog and "played house." I finally got work through a temp agency.

Life revolved around family, a few select friends, work and us. My dad died. The first baby was on the way, and we decided to move with my mother and sister into a new house - we needed the downpayment, she needed help with the monthly expenses and getting out of a bad neighborhood.

We were a couple, almost always. Fast forward through 2 kids...

I remember that once the kids were older, I started to reach out into service again. I made new friends. I went out. I encouraged him to find a hobby, to go out with friends on his own. I reminded him to call his old buddies, which he would do, sometimes.

I was surprised one day when I asked for help hanging an art show, and he got upset - aren't there parents in that school to help, or the other teachers? I chalked up a lot to him being so tired all of the time, now. He had bad back problems and was often in pain. He got up at 4:30 am to go to work...

******
Were we always mismatched? Did he just fit himself into the mold of what I wanted and expected from him? What everyone had always expected of him?
People in our neighborhood all called him Superman....he told me during this mess that he didn't want to be Superman anymore, that he had found his kryptonite....

He said he had been pretending for a very long time.

I think as authentic as I always was, X would bend himself into the position of the Good Guy, of the Hero.

I don't know if it was an equal partnership. X said I loved him not for himself, but for what he could do for me.
But when he didn't do something for me, I didn't love him less....

I loved HIM. At least the him he let me see.....

****
I feel like I am close to something, here...
time to put it away and look at it later.

Last edited by Donna...Found; 10/08/08 02:56 PM.
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I didn't think I could live life, survive life, on my own. And X filled in the spaces, helped me, supported me, shored up my self-esteem and helped me. When I took on too much, he was my extra set of hands. In areas that I knew nothing, he had the knowledge (fixing and building things, directions, etc.) I thought we complimented each other so well, each filling in the gaps of the other. Together, we were whole.

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Quote:
I really have to stop thinking about the man I created him out to be and in all honesty, he really wasn't


I just saw this on a thread....seems to be a theme.

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Very true, Donna!

Love is blind and all that. And I think it is even more so when we have been with these men since being teenagers.

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