I am basically a lurker and of course my situation is a little bit out of the norm, but the guts are the same. We started getting along better in June and then there was a backslide in July and August (I took kids on Vacation and wife spent week with OP). Then in about mid-August things started looking up and the last few weeks we have been getting along great as friends. Flirting a little, working on family problems together, spending time just talking, and discussing financial and works issues openly without it turning into a fight or self defensive behavior. We actually don't fight at all and maybe discuss relationship stuff maybe once a month.
So here is my problem and I hope somebody can relate. I don't feel comfortable being intimate with her and I get all tense. It is so bad that I start actually visible shaking and lose my breathe. I don't just mean sexually (and we all know that tense sex sucks), but I mean just hugs and kisses make this happen. The rest of the time I feel comfortable around her and there is no issue, just intimacy.
To expand a little, this problem is not new since the revelation of her affair, but predates that almost back to the time of the birth of our second child. My wife is a stay at home mom and was dealing with that stress (which I completely understand now :)) and in turn was turning down my intimacy advances regularly. She did give me what she had available and I now know that. So this shaking has gotten progressively worse and then the affair was revealed and it got much worse. Of the four times we have had sex since it was revealed, twice I was comfortable and just plain excited (alcohol involved) and twice it was down right pathetic (shaking, heavy breathing, quick ejaculation-not very good love making for either spouse).
I discussed this with my therapist and she asked if this type of reaction to intimacy has been common in prior relationships, and I replied that it hasn't. Her feeling is that it is not physical or a recurring sexual problem, but more based on a mental reaction to my wife. This even happens when my wife initiates intimacy which is very frustrating for me (and I am sure her as well). Some of me worries that we will just have a repeat of June and that she will slide back from me again (fear of being hurt again).
To answer your questions I have Db'ed and Gal'ed my butt off for nine months now. I am an improved person both mentally and emotionally. I have also really discovered the true meaning of unconditional love and how much my wife means to me. I don't need her to live, but I do want to be with her for the long run.
Any help or suggestions will be appreciated because I really don't want this to adversely affect the chances we have of rebuilding our marriage.
I'm far from an expert and certainly have my own issues related to intimacy, but having said that...it sounds to me as if you're having panic attacks when things become intimate. Which is very understandable considering the very recent A and all that comes with it. If they go back awhile, as you've described, there may be another issue (and I don't know what that is) at the root of it. But it certainly sounds as if it was made worse with the affair.
I don't know if that helps or is so glaringly obvious that it may sound insulting--I don't mean it to be. But maybe if you can give those things some thought some lights may come on in your head. Good luck, and congratulations on piecing.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Thank you for input Hoosiermama. Maybe the better question isn't what is happening to me, because I certainly agree that they are panic attacks, but are there techniques that other people have used to combat them? Everything I read online has more to do with teenagers having sex for the first time and that isn't the case here. I really don't want to go on anxiety medicine just so I can relax during sex or intimacy, but that may be the short term solution. I know that before when I took medicine like that it had a very bad affect on my mentally so I shy I away from using them.