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Jayce #1736273 03/19/09 11:46 AM
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Hi jayce,
I have read the PM book and even though, yes it is long, it was well worth the time and pateince (theres that word again)to get through it.
Insightful and revealing about both agendas and trying different ways to get our needs met both constructive and otherwise.
Tywnna

twynna #1736629 03/19/09 11:22 PM
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Twynna, have you ever seen that scratch pad with the pic of the buzzard at the top? He's saying "Patience my ass. I'm going to go out & kill something" Every once in awhile I find myself thinking, "Patience my ass..." but its not funny anymore.

Got a little more conversation today. H knew about the beginning ED back in 2007. (Aagggghhhh!) Said he'd feel aroused, but no erection forthcoming, so he'd skip it. I asked for clarification (he hates that) and it would happen at night when we went to bed. He'd be in the mood mentally but because the physical wasn't there he wouldn't initiate. Probably why I got turned down so often when I initiated. That's how we'd go 2-3 months with no sex. Why didn't he tell me about it? He had to know it hurt me even before I began initiating more often so our sex life wouldn't disappear altogether.

Next question; even tho he says the book wasn't a help, was whether he read the part where it says as guys get older they need some touching, erections aren't 'automatic' any more. He said, "Yeah, I guess that's part of it". And he knows I like to touch.

Makes me want to wail hearing that he knew what the problem was that long ago & didn't tell me, putting me/us thru hell the past year. And fighting my efforts to figure out the problem & help. And refusing to do a lot of the stuff that helps (exercise, diet, etc etc etc) WTF?!?!?!?! Anyway, now its open for constructive mutual effort I guess. I hate wasted time like that. We could have had this knocked last year. Hiding it from me-what did he think? He'd die before he had to deal w/it? Or I would? Or if he ignored it maybe it or I would go away? I don't understand at all.

Interesting to see where we go from here.
Jayce


me: 66
H:60
2 adult sons
2 grandsons
adult daughter deceased 5/05
me:Part time trainer
H: plant suprv.
Jayce #1736637 03/19/09 11:36 PM
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Jayce,

Bernie's chapter (in The New Male Sexuality) on ED has a series of very specific exercises laid out for working to solve the problem: the same exercies that many sex therapists would use. Have you looked over these exercises with your husband and tried to put together a plan of action? Like the PE chapter, the first few exercises may not even be necessary (i.e., the case isn't that severe), so you move down the list until you come to the exercise which applies best to your situation and begin there. Some will be 'solo' exercises, and some will be 'partner' exercises, or have an either / or option. Since he won't go to a therapist, would he be willing to work with you on a self-diagnosis and treatment effort?

I personally went through the PE exercises in the book on my own (and with my wife), such that by the time our actual marriage counselor / sex therapist felt like we were ready to start work on some of our 'performance' issues, we were already on the last exercise in the chapter and that particular problem pretty much solved. Next! Bernie's book works.

-- B.


Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs
S25, D23, S13, S10
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Just an opinion Jayce but that is a pretty personal issue for a guy. He kept it "away" from you for too long but I have to admit I think I can empathise and understand why he/a guy would keep quiet about it. It is a huge emoptional issue with almost all down side. It is a big deal as far as being "a man". It isn't very manly to go running to your wifey about something like this - something she can't help on and may not be very understanding or sensitive about. I personally would be seeing a doctor and trying to resolve it before I confided in or talked to my wife about something like this.

JMO

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Sweetie, you've missed some posts this past couple months. I gave him the NMS book last September. He is now on page 364, about the simmering,etc. The material you recommend starts on p. 302 which he got to in Feb. I asked him couple weeks ago if he got anything out of the book so far. "Not really." He's said that twice. After he'd read the parts you refer to.

I already feel his taking over 6 months to read the book tells all of us a lot about his desire to learn about anything or do anything to help himself. I spent all last summer & fall reading books & researching everything I could get my hands on, printing stuff out and giving it to him along with pleasant, encouraging comments. As a physiologist I already knew a lot of it. I went thru holy fricking hell getting him to the pulmonary specialist, getting him to use the CPAP. Finding he had lung issues, sweating the PET scan till we found he has no cancer at this time. Getting him to finally quit smoking altogether. Getting him to have a physical Feb. '08 so he'd tell the Dr., but he DIDN'T tell him. Going back again with him to be sure he'd talk & get the script. Every single event was preceded by his Passive-Aggressive tantrums, sulking and general defensive, fear driven mean, obstinate orneriness. Meanwhile he knew that whole time what was wrong with his libido and didn't tell me, Knowingly letting me feel every single negative emotion listed in Sex Starved Wife. He had a choice not to put me through any of that, including the yelling at me when I'd feel so helpless I couldn't stop crying. We could have skipped everything from December of '07 until last weekend. Every last miserable torturing bit of it.

You really think this is a guy who will do exercises? Especially anything that requires verbal cooperation? Even our Dr. who is a sweet, nice, easygoing guy, says my H never talks.

It's not like he doesn't know and hasn't known what to do for a long time. In particular, last June, I gave him a printout of the specific muscle that male Kegels work. He has not done one single Kegel in all this time. Not one.

You have already made it clear that you think I'm a mean, bitchy ball-buster. I am not. Don't bother to include inferences to that in any response you care to make. Schnarch says you have to experience anxiety, get out of your comfort zone, to grow, to change your life/sex life for the better. Obviously he's been in anxiety mode for a long time, sharing none of it with me, just hiding it and trying to make me go away. How would that help either one of us? I have a list of laws. 1. Boredom is the first sin. 2. Things left to themselves go from bad to worse. (Ya think?) 3. There is no substitute for talking to your people. I won't bother you with the whole list, but my H is the poster child for what happens when you don't follow # 2. & 3.

I KNOW its embarrassing for a guy. I KNOW even if he's always been on the LD side, he enjoyed sex. I don't want to see him give it up either. I am hurt, unhappy and angry with the tradeoff he made to avoid his embarrassment for my grief and anguish. The past 15 months has been just one miserable unnecessary Goat F**ck. Lately he's been nice most of the time. He knows what he did to me. He knew it last fall. He seems to be communicating a little more about dealing with it. Coulda been doin' that since January of '08 if he'd been honest.

Get him to do exercises? Tell you what, you come here & get him to do them. If you can, bring your shades, cuz The Second Coming will be very bright & you'll need them.
Jayce


me: 66
H:60
2 adult sons
2 grandsons
adult daughter deceased 5/05
me:Part time trainer
H: plant suprv.
Jayce #1737110 03/20/09 07:24 PM
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Oh sh*t. (((((Jayce)))))

I was so happy that you found such a tremendous clue in your mystery that I failed to think about how terrible you must feel about him trading your pain for his pride.

Wow. That is a betrayal of sorts, isn't it.

Now I want to come there and stick a hot poker in his butt.

I hope you find resolution, Jayce. You have stayed by his side for a long time. You certainly earned my respect for how you've handled your situation.

Lucky

LG nm12 #1737111 03/20/09 07:25 PM
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If I'm ever in Ohio or if you're ever in NJ, we'll go out penis watching together!

XOXO

Jayce #1737114 03/20/09 07:26 PM
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That was fun.

Have a great weekend, Jayce -- I was just hoping that you might be able to move the ball forward now that he opened the door a crack. My misunderstanding.

-- B.


Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs
S25, D23, S13, S10
20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
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Remind me never to piss off Lucky Girl...I can't ever look at a hot poker again with out being afraid of her!

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I'd also like to whip one of my Birks at his head!

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