That's wonderful you and the girls stay in touch.........other then you girls on the BB, I stay in touch with TonyP. He says he doesn't like coming to the boards brings back to many bad memories, but he's doing fine. He still gets an email from Randy now and then, we both met Randy at the last Party Gail had.
HT,
I couldn't agree more about way back then only thinking about the loss, the hurt, and not remembering the good that we still had. Only with time and with healing do we remember those things. It is a good reminder for those just going through what we did, it's just not something we think about at the time all the horrible stuff is happening.
I still hurt from all that stuff, and I still have a problem letting some of it go...........something I'll have to find a way of getting rid of.
I do try to always remember what I do have, how wonderful my life is and how truly blessed I am.
Have a wonderful time is Vegas, I was there a few years ago, I had a blast, I met.........oh I forgot, what Happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, lol.
Yes Friend, it does stay there. I had a blast in Vegas. I learned a little about our new company, but not enough. Got back late last night.
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still hurt from all that stuff, and I still have a problem letting some of it go...........something I'll have to find a way of getting rid of.
Friend, I sometimes still hurt too. I probably always will. I don't think I can ever fully recover from what happened. BHut I have chosen to move forward, just as you have. I've accepted everything, but it still sometime grates on me.
But I will say this. My X did not treat me right. He was not the husband i wished he was. I could not, would not, ever go back to him because I know now how badly he treated me. So in that respect, I am so much better off. Because I know that I deserve better. And now, with him gone, I have better.
BTW - I an one of the few who won in Vegas. It's kind of amazing. I could not lose there. Of course, after class and all the other corporate things. But it was a great trip.
Went to Vegas and had a blast too. I didn't really gamble much, and I can't say I won, but the sites were great. I wouldn't mind going back one day, fun place.
HT, like you, my Ex treated me really mean towards the end, I NOW know why. He wanted me to do the dirty work for him and kick him out, and I finally did. It wasn't when it came to him being mean to me, it was when he started being mean to my girls, that's when I told him to leave.
HT, I often ask myself, do people really fall out of love, especially when the other person has no idea it's happening. How could I have been so blind, or stupid, or naieve? But like they all say, it really doesn't have anything to do with us, it was what was happening to them. Still blows my mind though...to think you could be with someone 25 years, to feel your love is growing, all while the other is feeling the complete opposite.
Weird huh? Oh well...........on to new and better things.
I really have to stop thinking about the man I created him out to be and in all honesty, he really wasn't.
Ya... people around us. We owe them a lot. I too felt my kids were often what kept me looking forward and giving me a motivation to continue on and find a new life during and after D.
I agree with your comment about love for our kids versus love for a spouse. I loved my wife and I love my new wife. It is different though in how I love my kids. Maybe I am out of balance. I dont know. All I can say is that love of my kids has been a huge motivating force in my life.
Love of my kids, I believe, kept me from ending my life at the darkest of times. Sadly, I did not see enough value in my own life at the deepest darkest and most painful time during separation and divorce. The thought of my kids was all that kept me hanging on.
This is not the healthiest way to live. I believe firmly that in order to be truly happy, fulfilled, and healthy emotionally, we need to recognize that we as individuals are worthy of our place and role here on earth. We must realize that we are of value to ourselves independent of others. For me, it is essential to know that God loves me and values me as an individual.
With a belief and understanding of self-value, we can then go on to love and support others. If we don't, we are merely codependent. That is what I feel anyway.
With all that said, I am grateful that I loved my kids when I didnt love or value myself. It got me through that period where I did not love myself.... or see value.
What a sweet post Chazz. And you're so right on all your points.
I know for me, when the bomb hit and I was told what an awful wife I had been, I didn't value myself much either. But when he tried to say I was a bad mom, well, that's when I got mad and started to fight back.
Plus, to further your points, if our children feel as if we don't care about ourselves, then what do they have to look up to? Especially when our STBX's are wallowing in their own - whatever.
My feeling is this: If we can somehow choose to step back when we're in more pain than we ever have been, and look at what good we have rather than bad, we can get through this dark hour with less baggage.
It's hard to make that choice, but it is a choice. For me, having the kids to take care of and keep my mind busy was a Godsend. It kept me focused on what was important. But even for those DB'ers who do not have kids, there are ways to keep yourself focused.
If I had not had the kids, there were things I would have liked to do.
It's hard to make that choice, but it is a choice. For me, having the kids to take care of and keep my mind busy was a Godsend. It kept me focused on what was important. But even for those DB'ers who do not have kids, there are ways to keep yourself focused.
You make a good point here. If we have an outside need or interest to keep our focus.... and I mean a healthy sincere interest like our kids... it helps keep us from focusing on our pain and thereby making it worse.
Self pity grows in the dark. Meaning the darkness of our solitude. When I finally got my fixation of my own problems and hurts and cracked the shell on the self pity that kept me where I was, I was able to move forward.
Looking outside of myself to my kids and the other aspects of my life for which I was grateful was a big part of my recovery.
Ever wonder why that is - why our friends here on this board are so much more help than our family and friends off line.
It's easy to explain really, it's because we've all be there and completely understand. Most of our off line family and friends are clueless to what it feels like.
My sister was a big help when I went thru my divorce but the help was limited some what. She admitted much later that she didn't understand why I didn't fight more...then her own bomb hit about two years ago. One of the first things my sister did was apologize to me for not being there more and for not understanding more.
I remind my sister about that often, when she complains that her adult children aren't getting it - I just say, well it's because they don't understand it and let's hope they never do!!
Here's to all my dear friends who got me through - love you all!
Gigi
"It's not what happens to you, it's what you make of it." Zig Ziglar
Ever wonder why that is - why our friends here on this board are so much more help than our family and friends off line.
It's easy to explain really, it's because we've all be there and completely understand. Most of our off line family and friends are clueless to what it feels like.
Gigi,
That is so true.... Actually, my friend T was a HUGE help.... Of course, she had been through it four years earlier..... The most helpful thing anyone said to me was her saying the following:
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T: What if Kim was standing here right now. She was willing to do WHATEVER. What would you ask her to do to make this right?
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RMG: T, there is NOTHING she could do.
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T: Exactly!
Take Care,
RMG
Last edited by RMG; 10/23/0806:15 PM.
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
