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Re: Retrouvaille means change [Re: Lotus] #2125137
01/30/11 05:49 PM
01/30/11 05:49 PM
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Lotus Offline
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Your marriage is like a home that your entire family lives in. When the structure is damaged, it becomes an unpleasant place to live. But there are ways to rebuild the structure. One very successful way is the Retrouvaille program. You can read about it on this thread, or go to www.helpourmarriage.org for more information.

Re: Retrouvaille means change [Re: Lotus] #2138896
03/11/11 07:50 AM
03/11/11 07:50 AM
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Found the lost thread.....

Every story is unique, every marriage different, but so much of it seems the same, too. The Retrouvaille program is focused on helping husbands and wives communicate openly and honestly with each other, but doing it in a fair and constructive way. They teach you the difference between fair fighting and unfair fighting, and it is eye-opening. I'll bet we all do the unfair fighting and then wonder why we have marital problems. It only takes a weekend, but it can change your life in that weekend.

Re: Retrouvaille means change [Re: Lotus] #2139928
03/15/11 06:09 PM
03/15/11 06:09 PM
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My sitch is that my H had an EA from June to Nov 2010, although he always maintains that it was really more one sided. The OW cut it off in NOvember, but presently, my H has some communication with her, which he says is about work.

After a deep talk over the weekend on the state of things, before we accept that our M is really over, we need to be sure, as people and marriages are not disposable. He thinks that the fact that he got attracted to another woman means he did not love me strongly enough. He cannot seem to grasp that loving is a choice. Because of that, and because he is very guilty of hurting both me and our D12, he is depressed.

This led us to thinking of our external resources, and I explained to H what Retrouvaille is. He is now interested in going. Not necessarily to save our marriage, but at least to fix our present situation where we can't even talk to each other. If ever we go our separate ways, then at least if we are able to communicate better perhaps it won't go the way of Bittersville.

We also think this may shed some light on whether we can be "saved" or not.

Of couyrse for me, I love my H and all I want is for our family to bewhole again.

Right now, we still are in the same home, share a bed, and try to be good parents. We both go to church, and I believe in his heart my H is a good person.


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Re: Retrouvaille means change [Re: angel61] #2139929
03/15/11 06:11 PM
03/15/11 06:11 PM
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Oops, I clicked submit to early ....

I wanted to know if Retrouvailled would help us, and if its OK to go even if H is still in contact with OW. I know they have downgraded to more of a "friendship", but I am sure my H still has feelings for her. he tells me though that he knows it will lead to nowhere.


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Re: Retrouvaille means change [Re: angel61] #2144033
03/31/11 09:46 AM
03/31/11 09:46 AM
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I'm not sure why you may not have gotten a reply from some otehr posters yet Angel smile

Retrouvaille can help. Whether it will depends on how much you and your spouse put into it.

There is a requirement that the A must be over to attend the program. For some people that means NC. In my case, W then agreed reluctantly to end the A, but NC was by no means established.

Hope this helps, and good luck!


Me 42
W 39
Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992
First Bomb: Sep 2007
Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007
Kids: D10, S5
Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak.
3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Re: Retrouvaille means change [Re: Deep] #2159207
06/07/11 02:58 AM
06/07/11 02:58 AM
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"Your marriage is like a home that your entire family lives in. When the structure is damaged, it becomes an unpleasant place to live. But there are ways to rebuild the structure."

well Lotus ... my "home" seems to need consant maitanance...
But YES Retrouvaille was the begining.. it was like getting an estamate on the repairs and if they were worth while....And they were....


And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know
Re: Retrouvaille means change [Re: Dr LOve] #2159237
06/07/11 06:18 AM
06/07/11 06:18 AM
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just to chime in,

Retrovaille was a pleasant surprise for us. We thought it would be a tune up but it was more of an overhaul.

Nothing was public except the "host couples" and their problems, which they had resolved, and which therefore made ours seem more manageable.


I HIGHLY recommend it. We had attended a workshop for individual/personal growth 2 decades ago that was also great, but it was not aimed specifically at marriages. That was called Essential Experience, but it is NOT nation wide, like Retrovaille is.


We went to Los Angeles for Retrovaille (it's nearby) and it was only as expensive as you could afford. My h and I ended up paying enough for a 2nd couple to attend b/c we believed in it that much.


I'm Catholic, my h is not. There was NO pressure to be Catholic or even Christian, though it would help to be Christian or at least not atheist. They do talk about connecting on a spiritual level.



it helped us move from "Piecing" to being "Restored." Pretty impressive for a weekend. But you have to do the follow up sessions to really cement what you learn there. Or at least I think.



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: Retrouvaille means change [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2210343
01/04/12 08:48 PM
01/04/12 08:48 PM
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hopefull79 Offline
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My husband has actually taken time off to attend the Retrouvaille session next weekend in Owensboro, KY. I know we had pre-registered to attend the Chicago session, but he was unable to get off work.
My husband and I have been separated since May of this year. I've been wanting to piece things back together and make our family whole again. My husband starting seeing someone at his work, and he tells me things like he doesn't love me anymore, and this divorce is going through regardless and that he'll never be able to love me again since I was the one that walked away from the pain first, he had off and on EA's, and would lie, and constantly hide things from me, and I started to hide spending (retail therapy in attempts to make me feel better), and leaving him in even more financial turmoil than we were to begin with.
He said that my leaving is what changed everything for him, and he no longer wanted to try to rebuild anything with me, but he would go to the weekend to attempt to make our divorce more amicable. We have a 6 yr old son, who's wonderful, and he's the main reason I wanted to try again. H is a Christian, and I was raised Catholic, but I don't practice and have just been searching for faith on my own. So, I guess my question (or advice seeking) concerns what he said to me yesterday. He said he was just going to improve the communication between us, and told me not to have any expectations of us getting back together because it will just never happen, and if that's what I was hoping for he wouldn't attend the weekend at all because it was too late for us.
Should I just give up and not have us attend at all...would it be a waste of time for us if he's already telling me he doesn't love me anymore? Especially since we're not doing well financially anyway, I really don't have the registration money, and since we've moved apart. He knows what the purpose of the program is, and I've explained what happens, and what I've learned. So I guess I'm confused if we should even take the time for the drive (4 hours) to try and attend when I want to reconcile, and he doesn't. I've been approaching him about reconciling since a month after I moved out and couldn't take the pain any longer, but that was before I knew programs like this even existed.
Does anyone have any suggestions?

Re: Retrouvaille means change [Re: hopefull79] #2210368
01/04/12 10:53 PM
01/04/12 10:53 PM
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hopefull,

Retrouvaille is not divorce counseling; it is focused solely on helping struggling couples rediscover each other and find new ways to express themselves and communicate. So if he's only going to make the divorce more amicable, they're not going to help with that.

On the other hand, there are couples who have attended Retrouvaille weekends while unsure if they wanted to work on the marriage (or very sure they did not) and found their love for each other rekindled.

I realize your weekend is next week and you need to make a decision now. If you don't think you can afford it or that he will be unreceptive to it, you might talk to the organizing couple so that a slot does not go unused. Retrouvaille is always something that can be done later, when he is more receptive to trying to work things out.

Did you and your husband actually talk to the organizing couple? They usually ask you specific questions, such as whether or not either spouse is seeing someone else, and if they are willing to end that relationship. (There's nothing preventing either spouse from lying, of course.) If so, did he tell them that he's only interested in ending the marriage amicably?

Much of what you are describing sounds like more than just a walk-away husband who is tired of the marriage. I've heard many of the same complaints from my wife that you have: I'm not in love with you, I've been faking it for awhile now, I'm not going to change my mind, etc.

In my case, I suspect that my wife was going through a midlife crisis when we attended Retrouvaille, and it didn't seem to have any immediate benefit for her.

There is a board on this forum about spouses going through a midlife crisis, and there are other forums for supporting people whose spouses are in an MLC.

Edit- linking to other sites is not allowed.

Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 01/04/12 11:08 PM.

Me: 44, Wife: 39
M: 17 years T: 20 years
Bomb on 08/25/09
1/13/10: MC started
1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs
8/28/10: Wife moved out
No talk of D, no movement

"Every day is another chance to get it right."
Re: Retrouvaille means change [Re: TrentC] #2210476
01/05/12 04:01 PM
01/05/12 04:01 PM
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hopefull79 Offline
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I know it's not divorce counseling, and that it's not counseling at all.

I guess I was just looking for a bit of encouragement in still going since he's willing to go in the first place. But now I'm wondering if since finances are an issue, if we should even go at all, however I am the one that will be paying for it if we do.

I just know if we don't go now, knowing him...that if we don't go next weekend, and if I don't take the risk, there's no chance he'll be willing to do it again once the divorce is finalized.

He does know they're pro-marriage though, which I guess is a good thing, considering he's willing to go. I'm just hoping, by some small percentage (he said a negative percentage) that we'll have a chance to try again. I've told him I've forgiven him for his affairs, and the years of verbal abuse, but he hasn't forgiven me for walking away when I couldn't take it anymore, taking my pay along with me. I'm just at a loss at what to say or do, especially during the drive there, that won't damage things further or cause his anger to flare up.

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