It ended with me going to a status conference with the judge and ending up having the divorce decreed right then and there. W cried, held my hand while we were waiting, hugged me tight, but still went through with it. She wanted me to call when I was ready so that we could be friends. I told her it'd be a long time, probably never. We said goodbye.
She called me the next morning. I ignored the call. She left a message saying she thought she saw one of the cats over there and wanted to make sure they were okay. Sleeve-tugging has been her mode of operating - another example? I'm glad I didn't bite.
Work is crappy. I'm taking the fall for some things and getting a type of demotion. Maybe it's better, I'm not sure yet. I'll go along and see how things work, and if it doesn't work for me or my pay is cut, I'm outta there.
All this has swirled around in the last few days to shove me towards closure. Also to re-examine who I am, what I'm doing, and where I'm headed. How sad that I don't have a better idea - it's time to figure it out.
You could be waiting for a day that won't come, And you could be so much more than you've become. And I have found my feet 257 weeks, But you could be waiting for a day that won't come... You could be waiting for your life to begin, And you could be so much more than you've been. And I have found my feet 257 weeks, You could be waiting for your life to begin, And it's so sad, You're so good and I'm so bad! But you won't see me wasting the best thing I've ever had. And it's such a shame, That I can't tell you anything! You won't hear me still you endear me now!... Hard to see the window facing forward looking back, Over years spent tracing wondering how you left your track. Underwater breathing burns your lungs and breaks your back, And you could be waiting right here for a day that won't come... And it's so sad, You're so good and I'm so bad! But you won't see me wasting the best thing I've ever had! And it's such a shame, That I can't tell you anything! You won't hear me still you endear me now!... You could be waiting for your life to begin, And you could be so much more than you've been. And I have found my feet 257 weeks, But you could be waiting for your life to begin... And it's so sad, You're so good and I'm so bad! But you won't see me wasting the best thing I've ever had! And it's such a shame, That I can't tell you anything! You won't hear me still you endear me now... Still you endear me now!...
This song spoke to me as well, si much so that it's in my playlist.
Hope you're doing ok. You certainly have a lot going on. I know that when I was where you are I had a hard time keeping focused. I was lucky in that others including my boss carried me through. It'll come back lodo it just takes time. Look at the bright side, maybe right now this will ease some stress.
Office politics...HATE IT! Why can't everyone just be honest and quit the fingerpointing while they try to save their own rears?? I am sorry that this is going on too. I think it is time for you to visit home and then I might even get to meet you, only condition is you have to bring the robe!! lol
You probably don't even feel like you belong in the Midwest anymore but I tell you there is something about home that helps you get your bearings. The world seems to slow down. Give it some thought ok?
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
No, the midwest is not for me. I definitely don't belong there. Going back there makes me feel like I'm suffocating, so there are no bearings to be had. My bearings are found in a hike through the mountains or a trip to the coast. Not a dinner out at Applebee's with my father.
My path has never been standard nor understood. I think of something Joseph Campbell wrote in the fourth volume of "The Masks of God." He said:
"For those who can still contrive to live within the fold of a traditional mythology of some kind, protection is still afforded against the dangers of an individual life; and for many the possibility of adhering in this way to established formula is a birthright they rightly cherish, since it will contribute meaning and nobility to their unadventured lives, from birth to marriage and its duties and, with the gradual failure of powers, a peaceful passage of the last gate. For, as the psalmist sings, 'Steadfast love surrounds him who trusts in the Lord'; and to those for whom such protection seems a prospect worthy of all sacrifice, an orthodox mythology will afford both the patterns and the sentiments of a lifetime of good repute. However, by those to whom such living would be not life, but anticipated death, the circumvallating mountains that to others appear to be of stone are recognized as of the mist of dream, and precisely between their God and Devil, heaven and hell, white and black, the man of heart walks through. Out beyond those walls, in the uncharted forest night, where the terrible wind of God blows directly on the questing undefended soul, tangled ways may lead to madness. They may also lead, however, as one of the greatest poets of the Middle Ages tells, to 'all those things that go to make heaven and earth.'"
I am a questing soul, but I've never left the path, so have found comfort neither in the patterns of traditional orthodoxy nor the vacillations of creative abandon. I've sunk into the cushiony pillows of the unexamined, anticipated life. I've been looking at those surrounding mountains too long to not trek out now and see if they really are of stone, or just the mist of dreams.
I once believed in the institution of marriage. But no more. All I can trust in is the stuff of life and what can be made of it. And I suppose this is how my XW feels; I'll give her that, because I understand.
[violins swell, lodo rides off into the sunset, alone ....]