Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 38
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 38
I posted this in newcomers earlier today, but now think i'll get a better response in the WAW forum. it's been a while since I've posted, a long while, but i have been keeping tabs on everyone's stories. I stopped posting as I felt it was necessary for me to begin the detaching process and taking a break from the forum helped me with that.

my WAW and I were seperated for about 1 yr and 3mos after being married for a little over 2 yrs and together over 7. She left for the same reason many WAWs leave; I unfortunately took my W for granted, neglected her, and just became selfish and much too focused on myself while chasing a career. Not purposefully of course, I simply lost sight of what was important in life. She did get involved in a PA w/OM immediately after leaving and was involved w/him emotionally prior to that. OM is a co-worker.

I reacted like the typical LBS when she initially left, however, that stopped pretty quickly. So, for the past year I focused completely on becoming her friend and just being there for her. There were times when I certainly expressed my interest in working on the R, and she knew I did not want to end the M; however, I was not going to put up a fight if that's what she really wanted. We managed to remain very good friends even through the mediation process and while working on D papers together. I just eventually got to a point where "dropping the rope" made sense; which I believe allowed us to remain relatively close, in addition to the fact that I've spent the past year really soul searching and reflecting on where things went wrong and how I could improve myself as human.

Well, last night we signed the dreaded D papers despite the fact that we have been getting along so well. I went into it w/the attitude that "it's just a set of papers" and to be honest it just didn't effect me too much. I had been prepared for it, so that helped as well. As I anticipated; however, she absolutely broke down during and after. I was happy that I was able to be strong and be there to hold and comfort her.

Then something even more interesting happened later that night. I texted her to make sure she was doing O.K. and to let her know that if she needed anything not to hesitate to let me know. I didn't expect a return text or call, but she called about 15 minutes later. Well, we spent about 2 1/2 hours on the phone. Granted she had a couple of drinks, and believe me, I'm not looking into to this too much or over-analyzing it too much, but she spent the entire time expressing how much she appreciated me, cared about me, she even dropped an "I love you" in there, wanted to let me know how sorry she was, etc.... She questioned why I would still be interested in her or wanted to be w/her and let me know that I would find somebody better than her and that I deserved so much more. Even more perplexing; she seemed to be projecting her feelings about the OM by saying things like "you would not approve of him", "you would call him a loser", etc..., etc... she had some other choice words about him. She even made a comment to the effect that her new relationship was so foreign to her and that his 2 kids and the OMs ex made it difficult. Despite all of this, she did still think that her and I just weren't good for each other. I sense a very confused gal, and it just made me so sad, although I remained very strong during the conversation. This was the first time in over a year that I got a glimpse behind the wall she had put up.

so, I'd be curious to here what other WAWs on the forum would have to say about this. I know there are a few like HiC that have had changes of heart. I'm not getting my hopes up and don't have expectations at this point, but I must admit that I'm very curious. I had the sense that her and i would have the above mentioned conversation at some point down the road after things sank in a bit, but certainly didn't expect it the night of signing the papers.

thanks for listening all, and stay strong everybody!


Me: 35
WAW: 34
T: 7.5 yrs
M: 3 yrs (2/14/05)
no kids
ILYB...& EA Bomb 1/5/07
S - 6/15/7
PA started 6/16/07
D Final 10/14/08
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 2,793
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 2,793
I'm not a WAW, but to me it sounds like she's worried about the relationship with OM working out (and rightfully so!!! It probably won't, especially with the kid situation. She's walking into a nightmare).

She does sound confused and I think she's scared. That's very kind of you to be her friend. You sound like a good guy.


There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 66
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 66
Your situation sounds so similar to mine that it's scary, except in my case I was the WAW and my H was you. Really, our stories are practically identical.
I can only tell you what my feelings have been. I have always loved my H and I still do, even now that we're divorced. I am full of sadness and am so overcome by second thoughts, wanting to go back home and giving it another try... Even though I too am involved with OM (which also started as an EA before the split and became a PA after) and that R shows great promise, I find myself thinking about my ex and all the dreams we had together... it's all so very sad.
Do I think that my ex and I could ever reconcile? Maybe. It seems absurd that we can still love each other as much as we do and not be together, but the simple fact is that we have changed to a point that we are incompatible in the ways that really matter. His focus is on the future, ignoring the present - my focus is on the present because who knows if the future will ever arrive? This change came about because I almost died last year and my perspective on life completely changed. Suddenly I found myself thinking about all that I was missing out on in the present because my H was so focused on the future. His perspective has not changed, and because of that, our life goals no longer mesh. That's not to say that they never will - and if they do, I will certainly rethink my path in life.
My ex is still my best friend and I hate the thought of that ever changing, although I suppose as we move on it will have to. But to answer what I think was your initial question: when the papers are actually signed and it really hits you that it's final... yes, there is some last minute panic and a LOT of second thoughts. Where is goes from there is anyone's guess...


Me (WAW) 30
H (LBS) 31
T since 6/10/1994
M 8/8/98
No kids
S 3/10/08
D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08
D finalized 10/13/08
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 38
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 38
so, a quick update to my post from 9/18. it's interesting to me how well ex and I are getting along now that we're D'd. It's almost as if going through those motions and formally ending the M has given us a new opportunity. It's allowed her to be more comfortable with me. I think she realizes that my good behavior during the S and mediation process wasn't a ploy or strategy but was sincere, because I'm continuing to act the same way now that we're D'd.

we had been chatting off and on since my last post and last night she stopped by to check out the remodeling work I did to the kitchen. She brought over 4 beers and we spent about an hour and a half just BSing and laughing. No R talk; at this point I'm not even going there. She's still with OM and I'm respecting that choice. Just grateful to maintain a solid friendship right now. She did make a quick comment about how her new R was a bit challenging due to the co-worker issue, and his kids, and him being a little older, but we didn't spend much time on it.

It was a good evening. Bottom line, things do get better everyone, even if D has happens. Who knows where things will go from here between my ex and I, but I can honestly say that life is good. I did not feel this way a year ago. Even 6-7 months ago for that matter.


Me: 35
WAW: 34
T: 7.5 yrs
M: 3 yrs (2/14/05)
no kids
ILYB...& EA Bomb 1/5/07
S - 6/15/7
PA started 6/16/07
D Final 10/14/08
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,105
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,105
Never have read your posts, except this last one. I'm glad it feels good for you. One day for me, soon.


Current Thread
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 451
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 451
Hi Brantacan,

I too haven't posted for some time for the same reasons as you. It sounds as if your XW knows that you are the better option having seen your changes and that things with the OM didn't quite turn out the way she envisioned. There was no OM in my M but my single lifestyle certainly served as my addiction. I knew my place was with my husband but just didn't know how to go back or how to make it work. Also standing in my way was the fear that I just couldn't be the wife that he wanted or needed me to by and that it would be just a matter of time before I walked again.

There is a possibility that this is where she is at but it is a guessing game as to if she has the strength to deny the OM and come back. I hope that she does. I think you will know if it is meant to be a friendship or if this is a new start for you. Time will tell. Keep being her friend and your coach can tell you when it is time to step it up to romance.

All the best!


Posts
Role Reversal(original)
WAW now LBS part I & II
WAW now LBS part III(current)
T: 9 yrs
M: 8 yrs
WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07
LBS: Sep 07-pres.
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 38
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 38
HiC,

great to hear from you! and thanks for the input. any news on your sitch? I sure hope there have been some improvements. You've helped a lot of folks on this board and deserve the best!

I suppose at this point I should be posting in Divorced, but not done...

I agree with your assessment that the following may be happening: "just didn't know how to go back or how to make it work" and " it is a guessing game as to if she has the strength to deny the OM and come back"

at this point I'm just going to continue to make sure that any interactions we have are "safe" and comfortable to her and continue to be a friend. As much as I get tempted to engage in the R talk, I've been really good about keeping that off limits. As long as OM is in the picture I don't see things progressing too much. She's dropped enough hints to date to make me realize that the OM is not the person she wants to settle down with, so will just continue to be patient.

Thanks again for all of your insight!


Me: 35
WAW: 34
T: 7.5 yrs
M: 3 yrs (2/14/05)
no kids
ILYB...& EA Bomb 1/5/07
S - 6/15/7
PA started 6/16/07
D Final 10/14/08
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 14
A
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
A
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 14
I have read through (and lived) the posts on this topic.

Look, if your WAS is having an affair, there is NO EXCUSE for that. Trying to "be their friend" only hurts you and validates their actions. You cannot possibly hope to salvage or recreate your M (D or not) if your S/xS is still involved with another person.

All this touchy-feely "feel sorry for their guilt and pain" stuff makes me a little ill--a spouse who is cheating on their M is not worthy of your respect or time. Ignore them until/unless they end their other R, then you can rebuild if you still want to.

Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 38
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 38
AZdoc,

I appreciate your insight and agree that as long as OM is in picture there is no chance for a new intimate R, however, I've moved past all of the anger and spite, etc...Moved past that a long time ago. I don't agree with how my ex handled things, but in my case the M is over and the worst is behind us. I do not harbor any bitterness, and just don't feel the need to ignore her simply because our M ended. The reality is, I did and do feel sympathy for her for what she had to go through and what she's probably going through now (I don't know exactly how she's feeling now, but she's given me some clues, and I don't think she's happy)and I'm in a position where I can offer her unconditional friendship. The other point to make is that, in my case anyway, the S and D provided a needed wake up call for me. I'm not sure I would have made the changes I needed to make if she wouldn't have left. It's ironic, unfortunate, but so true While it's been a trying 17 mos, I can truly say I'm a better person for using the time as an opportunity as opposed to a reason to make excuses and place blame.


Me: 35
WAW: 34
T: 7.5 yrs
M: 3 yrs (2/14/05)
no kids
ILYB...& EA Bomb 1/5/07
S - 6/15/7
PA started 6/16/07
D Final 10/14/08
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 451
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 451
Originally Posted By: brantacan
HiC,
any news on your sitch? I sure hope there have been some improvements. You've helped a lot of folks on this board and deserve the best!

H left on Saturday for the CHP academy and I haven't heard from him since. He is now fully involved in an affair with a girl from Mexico. Although I still pray for my marriage and work hard to maintain a friendship I am also making peace with the fact that it just might not happen. Although I love my husband he is still the kid I married and has a lot of growing up to do. In our case love just may not be enough. He also doesn't share the love of Christ that I do which is a non-negotiable.

As far as the D; at the end of January it will have been six months however, being the kid that he is he doesn't realize that it actually takes work to make it happen. He refuses to go to court, see my lawyer, get his own lawyer, see a mediator, read any paperwork, sign any paperwork, talk about reaching a settlement etc. He has completely stonewalled me. I can tell you knowing him that he thinks that the D is magically granted after six months with no work at all. You just file papers and poof!

Quote:
At this point I'm just going to continue to make sure that any interactions we have are "safe" and comfortable to her and continue to be a friend. As much as I get tempted to engage in the R talk, I've been really good about keeping that off limits. As long as OM is in the picture I don't see things progressing too much. She's dropped enough hints to date to make me realize that the OM is not the person she wants to settle down with, so will just continue to be patient.

That is all you can do. It sounds as if she is realizing that OM is not the knight in shining armor she imagined he would be. I think that you may want to nudge her into the romantic stage when the time is right and insist that the affair end without pressuring her. I am pleased to hear that things are looking up. Hang in there.

Thanks for your support too!

Last edited by HOPEFULinCALI; 11/10/08 04:17 PM.

Posts
Role Reversal(original)
WAW now LBS part I & II
WAW now LBS part III(current)
T: 9 yrs
M: 8 yrs
WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07
LBS: Sep 07-pres.

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard