Haven't posted for quite a while on my own thread, but I thought tonights event would warrent it.
First off, today would be our 14th anniversary. W had moved out back in April and there is no sign of her interest in working on us, so I really wanted to just let the day pass without even a mention. Then I got to thinking that I might just tell her thanks for the good years and the kids. Nothing mushy and no gift. Just something to acknowledge it.
So tonight we had parent's school night and since we have two kids, we both went and each circulated between teachers. Things were cordial between us and I was feeling good that we could do things like this together, since we need to work together for the kids.
On our way out, I stopped for a minute to talk to another parent. W continued out the door of the school. I figured that she would just wait outside for me. When I left the building... no W. She had just left. Just left without even saying goodbye! There were still things I wanted to talk about on the way to our cars!! I was absolutely floored. She still manages to amaze me. I was going to rant some more, but its not even worth it. This really shouldn't surprise me.
Sorry HFF. These milestone dates are the worst even if you have it in your head that you know how to deal with it. There is something very cold about your wife that I perceive although I have never met her. I hope she is warm with your children.
Hey Sara, thanks for stopping by. I didn't think today's date was such a big thing. It really just occurred to me the other day that it was coming up, and I haven't dwelt on it. I've thought about it just a bit over the past couple of days and just wondered whether to acknowledge or not. I didn't expect anything from her, so I was not let down. It floors me though that I don't even get common courtesy that one would extend to a stranger.
I've seen often on these boards that people have said the WAS rewrites the relationship history to emphasize the bad and ignore the good. It bothers me that I'm losing touch with the good. I know it was there. I know there was plenty of it, but I find myself only remembering the frustrating and irksome things. Her actions tonight only reinforce that. What was it that I loved about her? Did she ever really, truly share and return the love to me? At this point I really don't want her back.
What is it you wanted me to say to you last night? I know we had some very good times and i feel incredibly guilty for the pain I have caused you. I tried to let the day go by yesterday as just another day.
I am still that person you fell in love with, I am warm and caring, just having a difficult time trying to be cordial and myself without sending the wrong impression. You and I were best friends and i wish we could still be but you see it as something more where i see it as a man that i still care deeply for but i don't wnat to be married to. We have history and that does mean something to me. I just don't know how to tell you that and still move forward.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,rather by the moments that take our breath away. M38,H40 M14 K D11 S8 D - June 09
Did I say cold? I should have also said impersonal. Someone who doesn't understand that conversations about relationships are personal and should be done privately. Others have found speaking directly to the other person effective, or writing a letter, or speaking on the phone. Sending personal communications via an internet bulletin board is cold, impersonal and embarrassing to the everyone involved.
Little journaling: W the other day sent an email asking who I planned on using for my lawyer because she had filed papers through the courts and her lawyer wanted to send the documents to my lawyer instead of having me served. She also wants to have us get together with the kids to tell them that we will not be getting back together and that we plan on divorcing.
She came over with the kids around 7PM to have our talk. Kids were watching TV or playing. I asked if she wanted anything to drink, which she did, so I made her a vodka tonic. We went out on the front porch to have our talk.
So the objective of the talk was to make sure we were on the same page as to what we wanted to tell the kids. She wants to say that Mommy and Daddy have decided that don't want to be together anymore. She wanted to know if I still wanted to say that it is her decision to end the marriage. I told her that I was okay with her plan, that in the past before she had moved out, I didn't want to be perceived as the bad guy or the one that deserted the kids. I told her that I thought that we were past that point since she has already moved out the kids already have probably already formed their opinions. I didn't think I needed to force idea of blame at this point. She agreed and said that the kids don't need to know details at this young age, but that someday they would know the truth. I was surprised by that.
We talked a little about the lawyer stuff. I asked when she started the paperwork. She said its been in the works for about three weeks. She said her lawyer seems to want to get things done quickly as long as we are getting along and can come to an agreement on terms.
There was one point that she got choked up and was fighting to hold back tears. I think it was when she mentioned that there were quite a few local neighbors (I think other women) that commented on how they thought she was very brave for doing what she was doing. Cindi gave them the advice that if they can stay together and be happy, then not to think about divorce. I asked why she said that. She said because it was very hard. That it impacted and hurt a lot of people and caused a lot of pain for the kids. I held my tongue, but wanted so much to ask why she thought that she couldn't be happy with the marriage. Why she had pulled the plug. Partly because I didn't want to sound like I was asking for another chance and partly because I now really don't want to go down that path.
I mentioned that her mother had left a message the other night telling me that I was no longer welcome in the house. Cindi said it was because they were angry with me because I had locked Cindi out. I again explained my reasons to her and she again disagreed that I needed to be that extreme. I told her that it was a matter of her breaking my trust and also a privacy issue. I had no problem with her having full access to the house when she moved, but then I felt as though she had broken our agreement several times on taking things without letting me know. It also comes down to a privacy issue. She said I didn't need to worry about her taking anything big. I asked her how could I be sure that she wouldn't at some point get angry or spiteful and come in and take all kinds of stuff. She said that is not in her character to blow up like that or take that action. I told her that I really didn't know what she was capable of at this point. We have been married for 14 years and everything that has happened has really shaken my beliefs, trust and faith. She has surprised me many times over the past year. I trusted her completely and would have never anticipated that she would have an affair or lie to me the way she did. I specifically mentioned that there were times that I would ask her something that I knew the answer to and even had hard evidence. She would still lie straight to my face and make me feel like I was crazy for my accusations. She replied that there were a lot of things I did that she didn't think that I was capable of either. I came up with a few examples of little things that I found missing when I needed them and how frustrating that was to me. I think maybe a little that she started to understand, although she did say that she talked to her lawyer about this and she said that I couldn't do what I did. I couldn't keep her out of the house. I'll have to ask my lawyer about this because it really would surprise me if I need to give her unrestricted access to the house even though her name is on the mortgage. Doesn't seem right to me.
We talked about holiday schedules with the kids and it is nice to know that we are on the same page with that. The kids will do Thanksgiving with her family and we'll split Christmas. They will wake up at the house on Christmas morning to open presents and then go with her to visit her family.
The discussion wrapped up being fairly light and friendly. I've been thinking that things were going south quickly over the past week, but I'm glad to see that we can still talk civilly. I'm interested now to see the paperwork from the lawyer. I noticed that throughout the evening I never felt the pang of desire for her or of missing her.
So I guess we are on our way to officially wrapping things up. I'll be interested to see how the next few weeks go and find out if we can keep things civil.
I went to her apartment and we sat on the couch with the kids. W said we have something to tell you. S asked "Is it that you are coming home?" That just broke my heart.
She told them that she wouldn't be coming home. That we wouldn't be getting back together. That we would be getting a divorce. D was pretty much quiet the whole time. S cried a bit, but I expected that. He kept asking why we had to get divorced and that he didn't want to see mommy get married to someone else. We did our best to explain to them that it had nothing to do with them and the it was just something that we needed to do. That we couldn't be married any longer, but that we both loved them and that wouldn't change.
I am sorry. That talk was one of the most difficult things I had to do so far in my life. And my S (6 then) did it very dramatic with all his talk and crying and begging...
I am sorry you came to this. Hug your kids and make sure they feel safe and secure. That's what my kids are struggling with. And this kind of talk will come back for sure. Be prepared for that. Stay strong and close to them. They need you both and need to see their parents are OK with what happened. Take care Kalni
hey hope, your stich reminds me of mine, what with the S, A, piecing, then heading to an amicable D, we are now "friends" of some sort.
It took a few months but I've reclaimed my life, I love my life, fought hard to keep the negative thoughts from eating me alive and by the grace of God I've won. The part about telling kids is the hardest and what hurts terribly, try to remember that kids will be more affected and hurt by the way you behave while dealing with the S/D. There is this great coparenting book that helped me tons and showed me to focus on the right issues. The main thing i got is that we should view our stbx as business partners, with whom we need to keep a cordial and good relashionship so that the business (kids) thrive. The book is "The Co-Parenting Survival Guide", give it a try.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
