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Mike85 Offline OP
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na:

Thanks for the very kind words. I have my good days and bad days, but it's thanks to DB, counseling, and damned good friends that I now realize that EVERYBODY has good days and bad days. And lately, the good ones greatly outnumber the bad ones.

I hope you and your family also have a happy holiday!


Me: 47
Kids: 2 boys, 14 & 8
Bomb: 5/5/08
Married: 16 years, together 20
Divorce final 8/11/10
I remarried, to an amazing woman: 3/17/12...
"Once in awhile, in an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale"
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 9,762
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Merry Christmas Mike!!!

Hoping you feel the blessings of the season and wishing you a very Happy New Year!!!

Love and hugs!

Michelle


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

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Posts: 200
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Mike85 Offline OP
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Michelle:

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year back atcha!

Mike


Me: 47
Kids: 2 boys, 14 & 8
Bomb: 5/5/08
Married: 16 years, together 20
Divorce final 8/11/10
I remarried, to an amazing woman: 3/17/12...
"Once in awhile, in an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale"
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 9,762
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Hey Mike!

So, what's going on with you?


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 200
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Mike85 Offline OP
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Well, let's see....

My new job is going GREAT. I couldn't ask for better people with whom to work or better bosses for whom to work. The latter have been very understanding of my marital stuff and when some minor health issues cropped up (I passed out at home and was carted away via ambulance - after two CT's, an MRI, blood tests, and an EEG, diagnosis was a massive migraine attack), they were there for me. The students love me, and parents have been singing my praises to the superintendent. It's nice to genuinely look forward to work each day and actually miss it during long breaks. I feel blessed to do something I love, that I'm good at, and that more than pays the bills.

Home stuff? I signed the separation agreement before Christmas and it's actually pretty fair. Now, the ball is in STBXW's court, and, surprisingly, she's been the one who is dragging her feet on signing and filing. I've learned how to run the house, deal with all the stuff financially and maintenance-wise (instead of calling an expensive pro). I have my legal and financial ducks in a row and am set for my new life.

STBXW has her new life stuff happening too, as she closed her salon and now works with & for her bf at MetLife. We're amicable (she even hung with me for hours when I was in the ER), but she is completely different than the woman I knew for 20 years. Even the kids have noticed it.

Speaking of the kids, they seem to have adjusted fine. Since I have the kids after school and every other weekend, I'm the one who deals with homework, piano lessons (and making the kid practice), scouting stuff, etc. Heck, I even got roped into running the software for the Pinewood Derby last weekend. The scouts are as bad as the Mafia... every time I think I'm out they pull me back in (ironic, since I was never a scout myself).

I've reclaimed something of a social life. I go out on my biweekly "non-parenting" weekends, seeing bands, going to parties, hanging with friends, hanging with my Fraternal brethren. I'm neither actively seeking dates nor actively opposed to dating. I go out, and my attitude is, if I meet someone, great. If not, fine, as long as I had a good time either way. Living in a college town in which the majority of the students are female does not suck. I've made lot of new friends and positive casual acquaintances. It's fun to have a social life again.

I still go to my therapist, who is awesome. I figure that as I transition into each phase of my new life, I'm gonna need her as a sober, objective voice of reason. She's been a HUGE help so far.

Well, that's me. How's stuff with you?


Me: 47
Kids: 2 boys, 14 & 8
Bomb: 5/5/08
Married: 16 years, together 20
Divorce final 8/11/10
I remarried, to an amazing woman: 3/17/12...
"Once in awhile, in an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale"
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
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Mike,
I've very sorry to hear that you were carted away to the hospital, but I'm glad that they discovered what the problem is. Are you now on medication for migraines? A friend of mine has to take shots for them.

It sounds like your life has settled down some and you've taken back control of it. I'm very pleased to see that work is going well and the students and faculty have been there for you.

Your children are keeping you busy...aren't they? I'm glad to see that you have a lot on your plate to keep your focus elsewhere.

As for your wife....she is a fool....she's lost the best thing that she ever had...you, as her husband. What a fool.

Please take care of yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Mike85 Offline OP
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Snodderly:

Thanks for the migraine sympathy. I probably inherited the things from my mom, who at times had to do the "quiet, dark room" routine. Most of mine are acephalgic (no pain, just facial numbness and sparkly visuals), but lately, my allergies and migraines have been working together. My doc wants me to keep a "migraine diary." I may end up on Imitrex. I hear it works but that it also makes you lethargic.

My kids keep me PLENTY busy. This weekend, for example, my ten-year-old has his friend over, and they've been wreaking havoc and periodically tormenting my four-year-old. I wound up being the four-year-old's playmate. My butt is still recovering from sitting on the floor, doin' two hours of GameCube followed by cycles of NickToons DVDs. And geez, they all eat NONSTOP.

W believes that she now has the life she "deserves" - more money, new job, hobnobbing with fashionable folk, and only having to parent half time. I honestly don't miss her, seeing what she has become and what she now values. It was so freeing when I finally realized that I didn't *need* her. Thanks to time and therapy, I realized that I don't even feel hatred or anger for her ... just disappointment. I've also realized that I gave up a lot of who I was and things I liked to please her. Whomever I wind up with next will have to accept me for who I am. I'm not going to play roles or games out of desperation or loneliness.

The saddest thing for me right now ... is that my Giants got bounced from the NFL playoffs.

Thanks for the support and good wishes, snod...

Hope all is well with you.


Me: 47
Kids: 2 boys, 14 & 8
Bomb: 5/5/08
Married: 16 years, together 20
Divorce final 8/11/10
I remarried, to an amazing woman: 3/17/12...
"Once in awhile, in an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale"
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
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Mike,
Yes, kids do eat nonstop. They are like little hummingbirds flitting all over the place and that type of energy needs to be replenished constantly.

I'm sure your butt is sore from sitting on the floor! Had to laugh at that comment. You are a good father and it shows in the way you interact w/your children. Keep up the good work. Next time, sit on a pillow!

Always, always be yourself. You've discovered what we all have discovered...we lost so much of ourselves during the marriage. There really is a reawakening for all of us when the time is right.

Sorry about the Giants!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 9,762
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Sounds like you are doing wonderfully Mike. I couldn't be happier for you.

Keep us updated on what you are doing and, most importantly, enjoy your sweet kids!


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 200
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Mike85 Offline OP
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Well, inspired by updates on FB I'm seeing from various DB folks, I decided to update:

W (who I actually refer to as XW in verbal conversations) is still co-habitating with her bf. She declared personal AND corporate bankruptcy (more on that in a bit), shut down her salon, and has been working for/with her bf for months now. He has fallen off the wagon frequently and has, in fact, pretty much blown off all his AA stuff. She and he hit the local taverns on weekends when I have the kids. I guess they figure that her (almost paranoid) refusal to let him out of her sight will keep him from going on a destructive bender. I'm only monitoring it (via IL's, friends, listening to my kids) for the welfare of my kids. For now, I haven't heard anything that sounds like I need to get lawyers or social services involved.

I've been doing all the legal stuff required my our separation agreement to get disentangled from her. Putting all the utilities, etc. in my name. The refinance was an experience that was made more complicated due to her choosing to declare her bankruptcy just after I started the refinance. Found out that her strategy was to get all her debts cleared prior to my refinance so that after her assets were snagged and debts were wiped away, she'd then get a few thousand from her share of the equity in the house (if she got the $$$ prior to the bankruptcy, the courts might have taken it). Well, since the housing market went south, there WAS no equity in the house for her to share, so all her timing did was put my refinance in limbo for weeks. To add insult to injury, HSBC needed a "certificate of abandonment" to be filed by her after the bankruptcy for the refi to proceed, and she refused to pay her lawyer $250 to do it, so *I* wound up having to pay HER attorney so that I could proceed with the refinance SHE forced. Ugh.

But, now the house is completely in my name. She is off my health insurance (the kids are still on it). The courts have ruled that any and all stuff in the house is legally, 100% mine, so I've sold off a lot of her MLC purchases (e.g. gym equipment) and salon stuff in the garage to recoup $$$ she cost me and to continue the fresh start.

The legal paperwork for the separation was filed in early March, and we're proceeding to the amicable D. I see absolutely no way we will ever get back together. She has become someone I wouldn't choose to spend time with, even as an acquaintance. The decisions she's made in her life, the things she's said and done in the last year - yuck. Next March, it'll be a race to see whose lawyer will be the first to move the paperwork from the S folder to the D folder and pay the $50 county fee. She tells people that she and I are "good friends" and seems to actually believe that. OK. It makes life easier all around and is better for the kids.

The kids are handling everything spectacularly. My youngest will start kindergarten in the fall (did GREAT in the screening). My oldest is still doing great with piano (he played Steely Dan's "Do It Again" at his piano recital!) and is now into drawing. Summers off is definitely a bonus for our bonding.

My first year at the new school was positive overall, but not without serious bumps along the way. My AP kids had senioritis big time from January onward, wouldn't work, and then threw me under the bus when they didn't do as well on the AP exam as they had hoped. Their parents refused to believe that their "little darlings" were anything less than perfect and went to my bosses to complain. I kept an even keel and maintained a positive attitude with the kids (despite fearing for my job), and sonufagun, the kids went to bat for me and made it clear that they adored me. Cool. And then having ALL my sophomores pass the state bio exam (and almost half got 85 or better), things looked up. Hell, I'm being paid to go to a biotech teacher training gig next week to become an adjunct faculty at a local CC so my AP kids next year can also get college credits for a minicourse I'm doing after the AP exam. Next year is my tenure year, so I plan on kicking butt all year long, avoiding the mistakes of last year, and snagging that tenure.

Me personally? Doing good. I am "superdad" on weekends with the kids, and I hit the local scene on kidless weekends (parties, bars, seeing my friend's AWESOME band). Through therapy, I realized that my penchant for never "closing the deal" when I meet women when I go out (I live in a college town, so opportunities abound) is basically my way of realizing that I'm not ready for another person yet. I'm just enjoying hanging with energetic, vibrant folks at parties and local taverns... and then going back to my place alone after a great night of conversation and fun. If something ever "clicks," so be it. And no lectures about STD's, please smile .... I worked in an infectious diseases unit for 11 years. I want to get my home space and head space the way I want it before I seriously involve anyone with the complicated scene that is my life.

Sorry 'bout the novel, but it's been a while...


Me: 47
Kids: 2 boys, 14 & 8
Bomb: 5/5/08
Married: 16 years, together 20
Divorce final 8/11/10
I remarried, to an amazing woman: 3/17/12...
"Once in awhile, in an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale"
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