you must have sensed my frustration. thank you. this is exactly what I was trying to say. when I left Allie and the kids she did not sit around waiting for me. she was falling apart but she made steps to improve herself and get out of the house and she took classes and made an effort so she wouldnt get stuck. there were days she didnt want to get out of bed and face the world but she was told on this db place to get a life just in case I didnt return. and she listened. and had I not come home she would have survived and she would have been content and happy regardless. and she stood for her marriage and was considered to be a stander.
Thanks for describing exactly what I have been doing ! A lot of the inner soul search has taken place and I'm sure I'm not perfect, but I love who I am now, I do also have times when I wish I didn't have to get up to this horrid thing that happened, but I do and I end up having great days with my kids and friends. I've done some work, which was good for me too and helped me feel good about myself in different ways, earning some of my own money. And to be honest, the GAL has now been going on for a long time ! Even long enough to realize it is not a factor that has made H come back, and I have accepted it and STILL GAL, because I love it and enjoy it all by myself. You know sometimes there isn't more to dig for... I may do things a little differently as I am a different person, but it sounds like your wife did all of the stuff that I have found myself doing the past 2 years...slowly, but surely.
Still think it's a good question.
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
even if your husband came home tomorrow could you honestly say you are the very best person you can be. can you really forgive him?
I do not know. In all honesty. And it has had me wondering, many times. Which in turn made me spin
So I decided a while back, not to worry about it, since it was not something that was even remotely happening. Therefore I live the life I live, for me and the kids and those around me I love, but I no longer sit and wait. I think it's a shame that that does not come accross.
I hope others will give some input too, as I feel I have made this thread a personal explanation place and I don't feel I should need to 'prove' I am living, happily and content. (and just to be clear....I mean this in the kindest way )
Last edited by Cinderellaman; 07/30/0806:23 AM.
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
even if your husband came home tomorrow could you honestly say you are the very best person you can be. can you really forgive him?
I haven't been at this as long as many on this board have (about 10 months for me), but my ears perked up at this question. My H is actually still at home, but barely interacts with me at all, even though we still sleep in the same bed. Basically nothing more than a minimal standard of politeness, a couple of sentences of conversation a day, and that's it. I have been struggling tremendously with the question of whether or not I can forgive him. At the moment it doesn't seem to be an issue, because he has expressed ZERO remorse or guilt for his ongoing affair, but I know that if my M is ever to work again, I will have to learn to forgive him and get past what he has done and is doing. I wish somebody would tell me how to do that.
As for being the very best person I can be...well, I'm not there yet, but I'm definitely 1000% better than I was before all of this came down the pike. I have changed for the better in so many ways that I don't think I can even list them all. I am a much more whole person than I was a year ago, despite the fact that what my H has done came within a hair of breaking me completely (long-standing suicidal depression, now under control). I thought I couldn't be happy or survive without H, and I have discovered slowly that I am sufficient unto myself, although I do still need friends and so on. Right now the only benefit I'm getting from H is financial, unless you count the occasional things he fixes around the house (which is helpful, but not a major factor). Everything else I take care of myself or get from friends, and I'm working on becoming financially self-sufficient. I'm infinitely stronger, more compassionate, more independent, more patient, less bothered by the small stuff, and less judgmental. I have WAY more self-esteem and self-respect. I am accomplishing things that I have struggled with for years and years. I am GAL, trying things that are new to me or that I haven't done in a long time. I am becoming more social, and even going to gatherings where I know no one, which is a major 180 for me. These are the silver linings to the horrendous storm.
I do still have plenty more work to do on myself, but I'm not even on the same planet that I was before.
I would welcome your wisdom in advising on my sitch if you have time, especially Happy and those who have been around for a while. I cannot promise to take all advice given, but I will certainly consider it carefully.
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Do we ever become the best we can be? Since the evil one is always trying to destroy our spiritual relationship, I didn't think we ever become the best we can be. That just my humble opinion based on sermons and scripture. I feel as if it is a never ending battle that is easier some times than others.
As for forgiveness, I have mostly forgiven my H, there are a few things that have to do with insensitivity toward our sons that continue to tick me off but overall I have already forgiven him. Someone on here posted the question, would we hold it against our spouse if they had a brain tumor that was causing their behavior and that MLC is chemical as well as emotional illness. As for me, we are taught that we should forgive everyone around us...it is not our job to judge. I try very hard not to judge, it is a struggle for me and was a big part of my upbringing as my mother was very judgmental. Probably why I rail(sp) at feeling as if I am judged.
With regards to calling either of you mean and a know-it-all, this was not my intent...although I am well aware of saying that you were coming across as a know-it-all with no room for other opinions. I will apologize for that because I do not believe you are mean-spirited. However, I do wish you would try to see another perspective and not always behave in a manner that your way is the only way. And IMP I cannot see myself coming back and thanking you for the feeling of being put down. Because in my case and I stop listening or trying to understand someone's views when I feel put down.
Although I thought this was a good question also, I don't like the way this interchange has made me feel and I don't think I will be posting on this thread again. I am sure that doesn't bother IMP or Happy because I sense little respect for me anyway. But I will thank you Happy for giving me the opportunity to reflect on how far I have come and because it does help me get less discouraged about the work I still need to do.
Back on the topic of forgiveness. I truly and honestly struggle the most at forgiving OW because for many years she pretended to be my friend. So part of my prayer time at least once or twice a week is asking for help in forgiving OW.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
A New Me, just in case you read I picked up on this
" I truly and honestly struggle the most at forgiving OW because for many years she pretended to be my friend. "
I had a similar situation, OW was someone I knew and worked at same place-kind of.
I think she probably was your friend and not just pretending at the time. Your H is/was equally to blame but somehow easier to forgive because you want him to come home -not sure how that works when your D'ed but it is probably the truth that this woman will never ever be your friend again, so less need/desire to forgive her. As I said this could have applied to me too.
4kids, Thanks for the link--there are some helpful ideas on there. I have some books on forgiveness that I'm trying to find the time to read. I know this is something I need to do FOR ME, but I'm not to the point of being able to do it yet. I am still bitter and angry and resentful, although I did finally manage to set aside the fantasy of doing a Lorena Bobbitt or killing one or more of the three of us (myself, H, OW). I never mentioned my fantasies to H; I was always polite and as cheerful as I could stand to be, but for a few months after the bomb, he would periodically ask me if I was going to kill him in his sleep, as I had talked to other people about my intense rage and they were expressing concern to him about his continued viability! I stopped talking to the people I suspected about this stuff because I knew they would betray me to him.
None of these ideas about forgiveness are exactly new to me, but it helps to see them nevertheless. Thanks so much!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
being able to forgive someone for betraying you is difficult and hard and takes so much more then just saying those words. it takes practice and it is somthing we have to work on every single day. i know because i am not stupid that there are days when I am acting like a real [censored] and I see the look in Allies face and i know from reading here from you other women that she is reminded of the past.and even perfect Allie has at times thrown the past in my face which only goes to show that even though she wants to forgive me it will take time and I think eventually it will get easier. as you can tell I also have issues with forgivness and even on this site with anonymous people there have been words said to me by people I thought i could somewhat trust who have totally cut me to the core. i read recently on another thread some of the things said about me. and yes some could say I deserve it for how harsh I am with others. but i wanted you to know that my heart is not full of malice and i am not out to hurt others here regardless of popular opinion. there is no need to jump in and defend other posters just because you dont like what i have said. come to me yourself and tell me. i have apologized before and i am not too proud to keep aplogizing. but i hate gossip even here and when i cam eback here again it was after a long absence and only because I was asked to. i did not appreciate hearing the nasty ugly words from a certain poster who was so qucik to jump in and spew her words in order to make other people look bad. sometimes you gotta hold your tongue and as i posted to someone else recently when spouting off scripture this one comes to mind. EVEN A FOOL IS CONSIDERED WISE WHEN HE IS QUIET.
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LOL!