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BUT you are missing the point of my question and we are going in circles.what if you definately knew. what if you really did get divorced and your husband married the ow. then what? I am not trying to be nasty or make you miserable I have a point to my questions. please think hard, go deep inside yourself. what would you do with your life?

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I do get your question and I don't think it makes me miserable. I would accept and just keep doing what I am right now. Living. Doing what I want, what I like whith whom I want and especially just being a mom to my kids ! Hopefully one day, I would also like to work, whether it is charity work or proper work, I'll see, and I like that I still have time with the kids whilst they are little and therefore time to think about what I would like to do. Life is still full of possibilities. I do not believe that stops if H stays away.
I am a positive person, who tries to learn from what happens in life. This too has taught me.

And actually...your question has inspired me.


Love Cinders xxx

"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus

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happy,

If I may chime in and I don't want to put words in your mouth but I have an idea I know what you are asking.

Ok, you have gone through this difficult experience. Now what are you going to do with it. How are you going to move forward. What is it about you that contributed to the breakdown of your marriage and how will you change it. What are your character flaws and what are you going to do to improve those things.

This is not gender specific either. I asked these questions of myself. And I came up with answers. I will pass for now as I have answered these things any number of times on this board.

Now what are the real deep answers. What is your soul searching telling you. And I would like to add that I asked God what He wanted me to do and God told me that He gave me a brain, a body and abilities to figure it out for myself.

IMP

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you must have sensed my frustration. thank you. this is exactly what I was trying to say. when I left Allie and the kids she did not sit around waiting for me. she was falling apart but she made steps to improve herself and get out of the house and she took classes and made an effort so she wouldnt get stuck. there were days she didnt want to get out of bed and face the world but she was told on this db place to get a life just in case I didnt return. and she listened. and had I not come home she would have survived and she would have been content and happy regardless. and she stood for her marriage and was considered to be a stander.

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I was improving myself when this all began. At 43 years old, I finally was able to go to college and get a degree in Special Ed. I now have a job where I feel as if I make a difference. I have raised my sons and the two younger ones are in college. I have to keep taking classes in order to keep my teaching degree current.

What I have learned from this is that a marriage cannot survive without honest communication and when people let resentment build their interactions become dishonest and unhealthy. I have realized that despite many years of therapy, I was still carrying more baggage from the abuse I suffered at the hands of my father and my first husband. I know that the resentment I felt toward my mother for not protecting me from my father affect ALL my relationships.

I have, also, learned that what I have been missing in my life all these years had nothing to do with my marriage, my job, or my husband. It was the spiritual part of me that was missing. Since my H has left, I have made peace with my past. I have learned to accept the fact that my parents are not going to change and despite the dysfunction in our family there was some love there. I do love my parents and that is alright. I have learned to never depend on another person to be a complete person. I have to do that on my own.

I know that when life seems too much that I can pray and give it to God and a solution will present itself. I am content with my life. There are things that need improvement. There are things I like to do that I can't afford right now but it is more important to me to get my son set up in college and there will be time for me later. I just adapt. Instead of spending money to get a pedicure and manicure, I give myself one. My mom gave me a foot spa and I use it to pamper myself. My insurance pays for therapeutic massages so I get them every two weeks or more often when I can. I am putting color on my wall...the colors I choose. I always hated plain white wall but H is afraid of color, so now I am in the process of painting and remodeling. I am buying used furniture that is in good shape to fill in the holes left when H took furniture. I can decorate the way I want to. I have taken great pride in power washing and restaining my deck.

Wow, I didn't mean to go on but I have to say, until I started typing this, I didn't realize how much I have really grown. I still love my husband and I truly believe that God has a plan for us in the future but that is in God's time and until then He wants me to be the best that I can. I am a calmer person and I can defend myself without losing my temper in most cases. The biggest thing I have learned is that I would rather be "righteous" than right. This is a huge change for me. What I mean by that is that I would rather people felt that I am a good person and that I have been fair with them than to be "right" or prove my point. I hope this is what you were asking but if not it sure felt good to put this all out there.

Thanks,

Last edited by ANewMe; 07/30/08 01:06 AM.

Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
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Happy, Imp, and ANewMe....

Yes! Yes! Yes! (just as Meg Ryan would say it)


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
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ANewMe,

I have been coming here for 7 years and 9 months. I have pissed many people off. But many of those same people have come back to me and said thank you for saying what you said and not to stop spreading my message. They also thanked me for being persistent. Those are the people I post for. And I have never given up on people who were angry or snippy or downright rude to me which includes talking behind my back.

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I am not sure what you are saying here.


Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
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Because as you have said I am some mean guy who is a know-it-all.

IMP

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hey you said that about me too on cinders thread. and i am trying to be helpful and i am not mean. it is just so hard at times to watch someone spinning in circles and refusing to change their lives because they live in a world of hope. even if your husband came home tomorrow could you honestly say you are the very best person you can be. can you really forgive him?

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