OK< This is NOT about who is separated, divorced or whatever. This is about being the "Other Woman" or "Other Man" in a deceitful, illicit relationship. Most of the people here on this bb were cheated on. That meant that there was another person who involved themselves in our marriage. They either seduced our spouse or fell into the "I'm not happy and plan to leave" scenario. But if they had not availed themselves - it is not likely we would be where we are today.
So - if the Perfect man or Perfect woman just happened to be married - would you do it???
I would not EVER consider dating a married man. I would make VERY sure that a man was not married before I would ever go out with him, flirt with him etc. I cannot fathom how people can justify their behaviour. But justify it they do.
Why am I asking this question that seems so obvious here on this bb????
A longtime friend whom I met on DB has been lusting after a married man for years. It keeps her from moving forward in a "REAL" R. She knew this person when she was married. Shortly after her H left her for OW, this man also left his wife. While separated, they went out a couple of times for drinks. She fell hard for him. Then he called it off. He went back to his wife and worked things out. He never told her this but she heard.
She continued to send occasional texts to him. Over a year later, after some very suggestive emails she sent him, he agreed to meet up. And she got a room. She kept it up and he met her again. And it was great for her. But he went home to his wife. I could not begin to understand her behaviour. I let her know how strongly I felt about it. How I put myself in the place of the wife and she should be doing that as well. He began to distance himself again. She did not stop pining over him.
After a while she began to date someone else she knew. He had just got divorced. He adored her. I thought he was very nice to her. She could not give 100% because she could not give up the fantasy. After 2 years, he dumped her. Although he never knew her heart was elsewhere - I'm sure he sensed it.
6 months later...
She tells me she has been texting the married guy again. And they were going to meet tonight for drinks. I asked if he is still with his wife. She said it wasn't mentioned. I asked her how she can do it. Her response "All my life I did everything I was supposed to do and did it for others. Look where it got me. Now I want to do what I want to do". OK, is THAT how they justify it? Hmmmm.... sounds like my ex.
Interestingly, the BF who dumped her 6 months ago is back in the picture too. She says he is on "probation" since he dumped her. So she is going to try to balance them both.
I cannot begin to understand this logic.
All the time I was in DB we were told to focus on the behaviour of our WAS, not on OP. But if OP were not in the picture, I'm going to bet that 75% of the marriages on this bb, especially in MLC would not have ended.
Well Barb Sadly your friend sounds very confused , her excuse if you can call it that is at best ridiculous , understand getting fed up, but in the end, she will end up hurting herself again, vicious cycle!
Does she ask you for advice? and she knows this happend to you right? ( being a LB)AND to make it worse it happend to her! she should first hand know how it feels
Before my ex left, sure I thought it was wrong- but when my ex left it was not only wrong it was , well its just painful to everyone involved, the wife, the ow, the children! and as we know, the pain and residue can last for years.
Really a bad sit.
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
Funny, Karen, when we had lunch at the golf course the other day, the woman at the next table on the patio ordered a Long Island Iced Tea and the waiter (who was actually quite charming) brought it to her and told her he hoped he got it right because he forgot what went into it. I thought that was strange. As I recall - they're pretty strong.
And I knew you wouldn't.
It seems like it would be SO OBVIOUS. Especially when you are a LBS with a cheating spouse. But there must be many OP out there r there wouldn't be so much cheating going on.
I'd like to write a book about what makes a person think it is ok.
K: It makes me crazy when I talk to her about it. We went through all the pains together and talked daily when our H's were cheating (we were on exactly the same time frame). She experienced all the horror that I did.
How can someone who has experienced this, do it to someone else? An innocent woman who has no idea her H is meeting up for a little on the side?
I have told her it will end badly no matter what. That she will have to live with what happens to the wife. (there are no children involved). And even if she gets the guy in the end - I will never respect her again. None of her friends will accept him. What else can I possibly tell her. I am horrified by this!
I would never have dated a married person before either. But when we've ended up here - we're even more enlightened. I am shocked that my friend could fathom doing this.
Never, ever, in a million years. I have a friend who is doing just that, and we have discussed it at length. She knows how I feel because I have bene totally honest with her. The guy in question lied and said he was divorced until after they slept together, then he told her he was "seperated but living in the same house." I asked her if his wife was aware that they were seperated. I know that my X told his OW that our marriage "had been over for years, but that we were still together for the kids." He said all kinds of things like that to her so that he could pursue her, but she knew the truth and didn't want to face her role in it. Heck, when they first met and she was helping him with the side business he was trying to start she asked me into her home and wanted to meet me to reassure me that nothing was going on with my husband, so for the two of them to say that our M was over is a convenient history rewrite. But that is whast WAS's do. I now see my friend in the role of the new Mrs. X and I want to smack her silly, and she knows it. In my friends case, not only is he a cheater, but he flat out lied from the beginning. Once I found that out, I would be done!
Last edited by bright_new_day; 07/23/0804:14 AM.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
