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i think the hope should be that we save ourselves

when we work toward the goal of saving out marriage we aren't really utilizing what the book was about

the book is about saving ourselves and savving our marriage by doing so

when you realize the goal is saving yourself, being yoru true authentic self, then it makes it much easier to do other work


like

if you save yourself, you find who you are and then the person you are looks at your situation and decides to stand...

you see what I mean

standing has to be a deliberate choice
it can not be something you do because you don't know what else to do because you are afraid

when I really started to do the work to stand for myself, I realized that standing for my marriage would not be the answer anymore. I chose to stop sstanding for that marriage so I could keep standing for me

others have stood for themselves
looked at their situation and decided that in order to truly stand for themselves, they needed to stand for their marriage.

doesn't mean their partner decided to stand
and
it doesn't mean that would stand for forever

it means that it was a conscious decision
and when we make a decision, we realize that the choice may change depending on other factors in the situation as they occur

does that make sense????

the OP is not a bandaid after 2 years and they aren't the OP...they are the P

if you had a besst friend from high school
that you were best friends with for a long time
you love them
they are your friend

then

they started being jerks and they called you names and stole things from you and tried to throw monkey wrenches in your life

would you be making excuses for them 4 years later...
well I know they are still doing this stuff to me but I see babysteps when they are busted and they say they are sorry so I am going to keep letting them do it to me

or at some point would you re-evaluate the situation?

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Originally Posted By: Lissie

P4M, I am sorry to hear about all of this. Your W was the one that wanted the divorce stopped at the last minute right?

Blech.

Good things await!

Lissie:

Wow, you have a good memory!

Good things do await -- I am confident of that. I am all too happy to get on with my life at this point. Well, in all ways except a new "R" -- that will definitely wait until the ink has long since dried this time around.

Great to see such an open discussion. I remember coming here and reading that MLCer's return nearly 80% of the time. Some certainly do, but it is probably closer to 5-10% based upon what I have seen.

Fortunately, we can detach and save ourselves. Anything beyond that truly is a miracle.

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wow, such great posts
the reality is just that-- I think maybe 5-10% return
I am greatful for the changes in me
I am sad I had to lose H to get here
I don not think he will return
In th beginning I thought he would for sure-
I would rather make a logical choice to stand or not based on reality-so I am not disappointed later
I appreciate all of you who shared your stories and welcome any more posters to share
Thanks
Peace


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Peace, I said a few weeks ago that I was through posting; but, I love telling my "story" and couldn't resist posting it here. My story is no secret here on the board. It has caused controversy at times, which has saddened me; but, it is a story w/ a happy ending...well, the best chapters are just beginning!

My exH dropped the bomb in June of 06. After which I found out about the many different women in his life. In Sept. of 06, after many months of hell, I told him to leave. I was hurt, angry, and scared; but, with the help of my pastor, friends, family, and, most importantly, God, I gradually began to pick up the pieces of my life. It took me a couple of months and many counseling sessions to realize that I had not been happy in a long time. I realized that I had become co-dependent on my exH and that he was not a loving husband, nor was my marriage a loving marriage. For the first time ever, my eyes were opened to many things.....things my friends had been trying to tell me for years. In Nov. 06, I decided I was no longer interested in saving my marriage. I had become a stronger and better person...and I had done it w/out him.

On Christmas Day 06, I made a new friend. This person was someone who I could be serious w/ and someone I could relax and have fun w/. We developed feelings for one another and decided to see what might come of our friendship. A couple of weeks into Jan. 07, my exH decided he wanted to reconcile. But, he wanted to do it slowly, w/out moving home right away. My "friend" and I broke off all contact (his decision) and my exH and I began seeing each other. The day after Valentine's Day, we spent the day together and discussed plans for our future. He wanted to come home. That evening I got an anonymous phone call stating that my exH was living w/ his boss lady (he had always told the kids and I that he was living w/ a guy he worked w/). I confronted him, he admitted it, but said he wanted to come home. He said all the right words and offered to do all the right things. He came home...for that night. He left the next day and went back to his OW. I knew we were done...more importantly, I knew I was done.

A friend of mine was worried about me (because during all this, I also lost my mother) and contacted my "friend". He e-mailed me. I texted him the next day. We began talking again. We met for the first time in March of 07 and have been together ever since. I filed for LS and in Sept of 07, my exH filed for D. It was final Nov. 13, 07. (In my state, you have to wait one year and one day after the date of separation to file for d.)

As of June 28th, my "friend", is now my husband. My husband is Bworl! For those of you who do not know Bworl, he is a wonderful, loving, caring man, and a devoted father. And, I love him dearly!

Peace, my story may not be a story of a reconciled marriage. But, it is a success story nonetheless. Not just because I found love and marriage again; but, because I found myself, again!

I do NOT share my story here to encourage anyone to walk away from their m. I share my story to tell others that they will be ok. There is light at the end of the tunnel. And, they will be happy again...maybe w/ their S, maybe w/ a new love. The important thing is that they trust in God and in themselves. That they dig down in themselves and find strength and happiness in who they are. That they are someone they can look in the mirror and face each day w/ a smile on their face and be proud.

Some of the many things that I learned through my ordeal was that I do not need someone else to make me happy. My happiness comes from w/in. I cannot control what someone else thinks, says, or does; but, I can/do control myself. And, I learned that I am God's child and no matter what, HE loves me.

So, I apologize for the long post; but, this is my story....can't wait to see what the next chapters bring!

deb

Last edited by deb13; 07/18/08 09:06 PM.

M:June 28,2008
H:Awesome Man!
S:28
SS:25
SS:21
D:19
S:16

"Love Never Fails!"

"God doesn't take anything out of our lives without replacing it with something far better." -Billy Graham
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I guess I would say that regardless of what happens, I want to be able to say that I have done my very best.

I have to admit that I have great fear about the idea of reconciling and then splitting off anyway.


M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
I remarried New Guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D

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Originally Posted By: peacetoday

I am greatful for the changes in me
I am sad I had to lose H to get here


Good for you peace, sounds like you have it figured.

My story, briefly:
Bomb 5/05 suspected EA, turned into PA
H moved out 8/05
During separation we shared our son, one week with me, one with XH.
H filed 6/06
D final 7/07. We were married 21 years.

S and I moved about 70 miles away, so XH sees S less often, but still regularly. I believe they talk on the phone every night.

Xh married oOW on 1/1/08. His third M. She worked/works for him. We all work in the same place.

Close, long-time friends of ours have repeatedly expressed amazement at how civil we have been about about S and about making arrangements regarding S. I don't really see it as a choice.

As to XH expressing regret, I know he has seemed very confused from time to time, and sometimes was sad, but has never once expressed regret. I don't expect he will. The first time D was ever mentioned in our house was the night of the bomb, and XH refused to discuss "all that" and refused counseling.

I wanted to agree with imp, Mrs H and others about the sometimes misleading optimism. But I still believe the OW?OM are almost always bandaids IF the WAS is in MLC. Drinking is a bandaid, and some people drink for years and years...the fact that the R with the OP lasts for a long time doesn't mean the OP isn't serving as a bandaid.

My XH hasn't spent 5 minutes alone with himself in 59 years, and I am very sure that he needs a bandaid to avoid looking at himself. I am with those who believe that the MLCer must actively work to get out of the crisis, otherwise it just goes into hibernation for awhile and surfaces again later.

Anyway, haven't posted my story like that in quite awhile. Good wishes to you peace, sounds like you are on a sane path.

AH

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Thank you for posting AH
peace


married 14 years
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bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Originally Posted By: Praying4aMiracle
Originally Posted By: Lissie

P4M, I am sorry to hear about all of this. Your W was the one that wanted the divorce stopped at the last minute right?

Blech.

Good things await!

Lissie:

Wow, you have a good memory!

Good things do await -- I am confident of that. I am all too happy to get on with my life at this point. Well, in all ways except a new "R" -- that will definitely wait until the ink has long since dried this time around.

Great to see such an open discussion. I remember coming here and reading that MLCer's return nearly 80% of the time. Some certainly do, but it is probably closer to 5-10% based upon what I have seen.

Fortunately, we can detach and save ourselves. Anything beyond that truly is a miracle.


I would have to say that based on what I have seen here on this board, the chances of a return are less than 5%. Does this board entail all of the people going through this? Certainly not, but I do think there is enough of a sampling to give us a good ballpark estimate. People who make statements like 80% return, they are a bandaid, it will stop within 2 years, etc. are living on false hope and unrealistic expectations. If someone wants to try to save the M, I wish them all the best, but I think they need to know what they are really dealing with.

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IMO people stop posting after years of waiting on a wayward spouse to return because it gets tiring and causes pain when other people here openly criticize people for staying in a M.
Is a timeline important?
How do you know how long to wait?
If you had power of attorney and a high school friend was laying in a coma on life support, when do you decide to pull the plug?
The next day? the next week? in a year? in 4 years?

Who can decide to pull the plug on a M except the 2 people involved? Live and tolerate until you can't, then change what you have to. That change is different for each of us.

Guidelines are great, it does help to have some kind of timeline to compare too. We have to remember that it is just exactly that - a guideline - not a textbook that every sitch adheres too.


Live your life while you are still living.
Riding the trail less traveled.
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It seems like a lot of stories are that the WAS wants to reconcile, but the LBS has moved on.




Last edited by breton39; 07/20/08 01:41 PM.

M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
I remarried New Guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D

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