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mlh78 Offline OP
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I've been a long-time "lingerer" but have never posted before. My husband's "stuff" started about 14 months ago and it has been a crazy roller-coaster ever since.

Summary of things (sorry, kind of long):
We have been friends since 1997, dating since 2001, married in 2004.

May 2007: Around our 3rd wedding anniversary, he was about to turn 30, finish grad school and we were about to start trying to get pregnant, he went off the deep end. Within a month of returning from a great (I thought) vacation to Italy, he was out the door.

He did the whole shebang: started/continued an affair with a trainwreck, married co-worker, told me I love you but I'm not in love with you, probably never was in love, he couldn't say "I want a divorce" enough. Essentially, I was the reason for his unhappiness.

Initially, I did everything wrong: begged, sobbed, trash-talked OW, ranted about marriage vows, etc. Eventually, I went to counseling on my own, started reading Michele's books, put myself back together, re-entered the world of the living.

Winter 2007-2008: Had a couple outbursts from him, professing his love for the OW, etc. but overall, we had limited, infrequent contact. Sometimes he wanted to talk, catch up, other times he just wanted to be really mean.

April 2008: he filed for divorce. I learned later that around this time he and OW were breaking up or going through a rough patch or something.

May 2008: Husband and I started talking again. Mostly little stuff here and there.

June 2008: We started talking/texting more regularly. By mid-June, he admitted that he didn't know what he felt about staying married/getting divorced but he knew that he missed me. I told him he had to end all contact with OW so we can continue talking. Last week, he agreed to stop talking to her, get a new cell phone/number, and pushed for me to agree to couples counseling. I agreed to go.

I went out of town for the 4th of July and by the time I came back, all bets were off. It is the same crap he was saying last summer--I need to be on my own, divorce is the best path for us, I still want you in my life after this, etc. He swore that he isn't talking to OW (pretty sure that he's lying). Couples counseling got cancelled, needless to say, and divorce stuff is "back on."

I thought that he was starting to come out of the tunnel but now it feels like nothing has changed.

What is happening?


Me: 30
H: 31
Together: 8+ years, Married: 4+ years
Bomb: May 2007
Divorce final Oct. 2008
No kids, 1 super-cute yellow lab
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 7,941
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I'd say he is feeling a lot of pressure to do so much and he is confused about a lot of things.

Fourteen months seems like a long time but it really isn't for MLCers.

I would just lay low, give him his space, and let him be.

He has to get thru this on his own.

No R talks from you, no talk about OW, etc.


The Bomb: 08/05
H moves out: 06/2006
H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07
H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08
H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09
Divorced 08-12
Kids: 22, 20, 19
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Posts: 12
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mlh78 Offline OP
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Thanks for responding, steelersfan. I've read a lot of your posts over the last year...

How do I handle the divorce stuff though?

Prior to the divorce process starting, it was easier for me to be positive around him, focus on the good stuff in my life. It didn't feel fake (or look like I was in denial) because I was genuinely feeling that way. Now, we're on the court calendar and I'm getting a lot of pressure from my attorney to figure out a property division agreement.

I've told myself that I should "act as if" but I'm not sure what that means/what that would look like, while going through this garbage... Does that make sense?


Me: 30
H: 31
Together: 8+ years, Married: 4+ years
Bomb: May 2007
Divorce final Oct. 2008
No kids, 1 super-cute yellow lab
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 7,941
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Since I am not headed the D route, I think those who have gone thru it would be better able to assist you in that area.


The Bomb: 08/05
H moves out: 06/2006
H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07
H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08
H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09
Divorced 08-12
Kids: 22, 20, 19
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 978
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Even though you don't want the divorce, didn't file the divorce, you still have responsibilities to/for yourself, and just one of them is the property division agreement.

Although you'll feel pain doing this, it is something that is necessary in the process. And it is something the court will get more and more adamant about you getting settled.

It was my xh that wanted the divorce, but he was also the one that dragged his feet about actually sitting down and coming up with one. I finally, over the phone, suggested my ideas, and he agreed with them. (earlier , when he had first left, he 'demanded' certain things, even if they have been in my family, not his) The MLCer can really seem confused and frustrated during these types of procedures. So, be prepared.

It is a necessary part of the process, and you should try to go into it as business like as you can. Try to keep your emotions controlled, and try to think how things can be distributed evenly in their value. Try to keep those things that are important to you, and not sweat over the little things that hold no real value to you.

Having to go through this may put a big burden on your WAS, and it may be an eye-opener to him too. It's probably easier to say 'I want a divorce', than to actually have to do the work to get the divorce proceedings going/completed. Let him do as much of the work as possible.

You can act 'as if', but I know it will be tearing you up inside. Memories really start to crop up when you're having to go through your personal items , and sort through them. Just remember , nothing lasts forever. You will be able to get through this, and you will learn many things about yourself.

As many have said before, sometimes the eyes don't start opening until what they 'wished' for actually starts happening, and then they might wonder about what they REALLY want in their lives. Some need divorce to find this out, some figure it out before the divorce is granted...and some never figure it out and go on searching.

At this point, you need to be concerned with your own wellbeing, and by doing that, it will help you feel 'as if'. After awhile, you won't even be just acting, you'll actually feel it. You will be able to go day to day, still loving and praying for your H/relationship, but also learning that you can survive on your own regardless of the outcome.


Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
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tmi Offline
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Read DR again. You look at things differently depending on what's going on, so you will likely run across information that didn't strike you the same way (or at all) the first time through.

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I would suggest looking at the technique in the book that talks about cutting off contact w/spouse until OW is gone. If he wants D, he needs sense of what this is like. Be friendly but not available.

If he missed you once, he may miss you again.

Lay low and be dim.


M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
I remarried New Guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D

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PS--this is what I am trying. Hasn't seemed too successful at this time, but each case varies. And I was also told to give the techniques a chance to work.


M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
I remarried New Guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D

Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 12
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mlh78 Offline OP
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Unlike me, you guys are so level-headed... I love it! Everything makes sense in theory but, here is where I get messed up:

This morning, I got an email from H asking to borrow some camping equipment for next weekend. Honestly, I don't want to lend him anything (rarely returns stuff--sometimes I wonder if he "borrows" stuff so he doesn't have to negotiate for it in the divorce).

He keeps saying things like, "I may be naive, but I don't think that getting a divorce means we won't be in each other's lives." I don't want to feed into his childish view that we'll be "great friends" after we get a divorce.

Should I lend the equipment to him? Should I politely say "no"? Or just ignore the email altogether? It is hard to "go dim" when my H keeps popping up, usually about little stuff that keeps us talking/communicating...


Me: 30
H: 31
Together: 8+ years, Married: 4+ years
Bomb: May 2007
Divorce final Oct. 2008
No kids, 1 super-cute yellow lab
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 674
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tmi Offline
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You could tell him you need it for your own camping trip (even if you don't plan to go anytime soon - don't tell him that part, though!)

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