A few weeks ago I was feeling like crap, my old thread.
Today it's not so bad.. pretty good, in fact.
As an update.. four months ago I was shocked to learn my spouse of 25 years decided to leave abruptly to an undisclosed address to live with his girlfriend. He filed divorce papers at the same time.
I was devastated but duly sorta DB'd focusing on the children (two sons 22 and 18, and daughter almost 14). Denial (that he would ever cheat, leave, be so selfish), Realization (that he changed the marriage years ago without telling me, me staying numb).. Guilt (I'm sure it was all my fault) and all sorts of emotions have been crashing, washing over me, soothing me as the process goes on.
The lightbulb moment I feel is surging forward after a few weeks of healing.
Realization (that he changed the marriage years ago without telling me, me staying numb)..
Hi Gypsy....do we do the drink thing on this thread? If so...I'll do some virtual hard drinking....tequila slammer please!
But seriously...the above quote intrigues me. Can you point me to your thread/post that talks about this realisation? That is, if you have posted about it. How did he change the marriage without telling you? Just curious...I'm wondering if your light bulb moments can help speed up my own (probably not, but I like finding people that seem to be going through the same thing - I don't feel so bad/stupid) ergh...man. wish I was as eloquent as you lot. I just sit and type away and hope that something articulate comes out - Ha!
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
The lightbulb moment I feel is surging forward after a few weeks of healing.
I don't need to make excuses for him anymore.
Ta Da!
Boy am I easy!
I'm seeing a glimmer here for me too... I want to hear more about this one. (not the easy part. I think that is for Lodo's SS&S thread)
I'm pondering what the not making excuses for him means in a R.
it's like waking up and you vaguely remember a dream but the longer you think about it the more fuzzy it gets. Can you help provide some clarity on what you mean by that?
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
" How did he change the marriage without telling you? Just curious...I'm wondering if your light bulb moments can help speed up my own."
When the bomb hit, he told me he'd been miserable for years. That he'd felt a commitment to the family so he compromised how he would stay married. That's when he did the 'buddy marriage' in his eyes. Occasionally he'd mention we were more buddies than anything. I'd always say I didn't get married to be a roommate. I never put two and two together.
He did this (now that I look back on this) by emotionally and physically withdrawing. Because of his history of manic-depression he'd always been hyper sensitive about being touched. I'd respect that and wait for him to come out of it. His withdrawal was something I was used to. He started to not want sex.. or refer to it as a 'sleep aid'. I froze up, probably feeling something was missing (and at one point due to my own online interactions). I'd talk about what I needed to feel safe, how could we be closer, what could we do. His reply was, "Yeah, you would think that." I accepted that even poor sex made the body feel good, a deep relaxation.
I remember going to bed feeling alone. I'd talk to him about it sometimes and he'd talk about not wanting to be touched. It got to the point where I would not even go near him, cuddle while sleeping because he would hit me in his sleep. Things would fluctuate enough that we'd be close, then there'd be a withdrawal.
There was always tension to the point it seemed normal. The tension always came from me not doing enough, his concern that I was getting lost online even though I'd stopped chatting, I was at fault and/or always felt nothing I did was good enough.
When he wanted to change from a queen-sized bed to a king, I was a wreck. At least in a queen we'd brush against each other. And I could arouse him, satisfying him greatly in different ways. In the king I was afraid I would be alone in a bed.. which I was. I kept waiting for things to change.
I'd broach the subject on a regular basis. No he didn't want or believe in counseling, something that weak people did. He'd say it would all depend on my actions. I felt paralyzing guilt and nothing I did mattered anymore. We both slipped into survival mode. When he dropped the bomb it was a terrible feeling I'd never known. In the recesses of my mind I'd wondered what my response would be if that ever happened. The answer was simple. I wanted my family, my marriage and him.... no doubt the wrong order.
Immediately after the bomb, he wanted to live his own life and left. I kept asking "Where was I in this decision? Where was I when you changed the marriage? Why wasn't I part of the decision making process? Why wasn't I asked what I wanted?" The answer.. he didn't include me, only how he saw it could work for him. I was relieved when he dropped the bomb that finally it was on the table, that finally we could work on it. What a wonderful feeling that was.. to be able to tackle the challenge together. By then for him it was too late. He'd found something worth leaving for... of course, without telling me.
His marriage, his compromise, his decision.
My codependence. my overriding fears, my defensiveness... my denial.
So now, I work on me, feeling better in some ways than I have in years.
About going numb... I just stopped feeling, gave up. Playing online games, zoning out clicking endlessly once I stopped chatting were numbing activities. I just didn't want to feel.. my way of withdrawing.
"Can you help provide some clarity on what you mean by : 'I don't need to make excuses for him anymore.'?"
I was justifying his actions based on my shame and my feelings of inadequacy. He never would have left if I wasn't to blame. I had to make sure every knew I was half, if not more, responsible for the reason for his leaving. People had to know how I hurt him years ago.
And you know what's hitting me now? That's the same message I felt for the sexual abuse I had as a child. Somehow it was my fault.. I didn't do enough to stop it, I was flawed, damaged, a poor communicator. It was all me, it was all about me. I'd speak up. He'd listen. Time would go by. I'd feel attacked when he'd try to make suggestions and be defensive. I couldn't talk. I'd tell him not to back away.. even though I was defensive I was listening.
Sometimes he'd yell at me and I'd get so angry, something would click in my brain. It's like I was jumpstarted into action. Very strange.
As an adult, you take responsibility for your actions. I'm accepting mine. I don't need to take responsibility for his, nor should I. I still have trouble accepting that someone I viewed as having such high moral and ethical principles would do this. I can't believe this whole sordid event is happening. It's his journey. And I don't hold on to someone who doesn't cherish being with me (though I kept hoping he would change his mind.) It was an unequal partnership.
As a friend once told me. "Kathleen, you're the total package. When it comes to your spouse, remember one word... karma." The more time goes by, the more it makes sense. It's not my place to judge him., It's my responsibility to be healthy and live my life.
He knows where I am if he wants to find me, again.
Hi Gypsy K, just popping in to read, learn & ponder.
hugs.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hello angel face. I love your new thread title and I love that you're in a much better place. The only thing I don't love is I can't have coffee with you face to face. Not fair! Waaaaaaaaah!
Enjoy your evening. Talk to you soon.
xo, R
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
"As an adult, you take responsibility for your actions. I'm accepting mine. I don't need to take responsibility for his, nor should I. I still have trouble accepting that someone I viewed as having such high moral and ethical principles would do this. I can't believe this whole sordid event is happening. It's his journey. And I don't hold on to someone who doesn't cherish being with me (though I kept hoping he would change his mind.) It was an unequal partnership."
The butterfly has taken her first solo flight, stretched her wings to their fullest and is accepting she is beautiful. Oh how this comment warmed my heart you are truly looking inwards and seeing what others have seen. With self awareness and acceptance comes strength to love oneself.
I read your posts and see you loving yourself more and more awesome! To realize you weren't the only one at fault speaks volumes to me and should to you also.
So I will say to you what I always do god don't make no junk. I will continue to say that until you can say one day, Brian enough I truly believe it.
posted this in my journal gypsy but i wanted for you to hear it again...
you stated in your previous thread and i think we all say it often...comments about being alone and fear of it. you posted
Quote:
I hoped that once this was over I eventually would not be alone
and then go on to talk about how hard lonliness is or enjoying hearing kids play at your house again...but you must remember...you havn't been alone this whole entire time. the Lord is always there. Second point, you must learn to enjoy spending time with yourself. this will help you big time. i started working on getting belongings and really focus on making a home for 6d and I. but the side benefit was that i was so focused on her and legal stuff. i was looking out for 6d and i. and it helped my detaching enormously. and most importantly, you must enjoy yourself because in only this way will you believe it when someone says they like you. was interesting the post following talks about a woman that doesn't feel good about herself when someone flirts with her. she just doesn't believe the qualities in herself. so no matter what that person says, she won't believe it in herself(my wannabe ex-wife problem that i just don't think she will ever ever change, been that way since birth). you on the other hand have the power and the desire to feel good about things. enjoying your time by yourself is a huge step and don't dread but find something and do it. i had a friend take a day of the week for himself. every wednesday was his, he took no calls, no invites, etc...wednesday was his night. he said at first it was a bit weird, but he got to a point where he would be looking forward to his wednesday. i think you get my point.
also, i don't talk to her at this time. anytime she calls, i get off the phone asap. last time i spoke to her was when she didn't have 6d ready and said she needed to do this that and the other before i could get her. i said no, i'll just get her now and take care of it. you said you get upset when you talk to him. so, i'd just let the machine get it. return the call when you feel up to it. i just don't talk anymore. hard to believe people that'd do as ours have. saves your sanity and helps you detach because if yours is anything like mine, nothing you do will be thought of in a positive light. So, no sense in talking to people that will perceive every thing you say negatively. just no point. Those are things they have to work on. not you. I am not saying to be ugly. Just short brief and done. It helps a lot.
keep up your journals you said you were doing. that helps a lot. It's going to be so helpful that i have basically everything documented. 9 months of actions she will have to answer for. whereas, i seriously doubt the WA's spend the time to right anything down...to busy running. If mine has wrote anything I'd be surprised. Point is keep journalling...it helps you legally and it will help you to detach...
I read a little of what I wrote or said 9 months ago...I could not read the whole thing...what horsey...I sounded so pathetic. We are stronger and better than that ... let the hurt go and see what happens...keep yourself busy and enjoy being you.
