Slingblade Phrases And The All Too Famailiar

[Aud31]

Too much stress for sure! Understatement. Gah.

Whapu, I know I've said it before, but the only way to find the peace you crave is to TAKE CARE OF YOU. You're doing the right thing in pursuing this employment opportunity...keep at it. I know you consulted with your clergyman for support awhile ago, and felt unsatisfied with the response...have you thought about looking for a new option in that regard? How about tossing around some ideas of ways you can find calm?

At the risk of sounding cliche, you've got to detach. From all of it. It's a fine line, because you are currently a husband and parent with responsibilities. But one of your biggest responsibilities is to provide a positive role model for your boys. They need your example and guidance, and an empty bucket just won't fill them up.

[whapu]

Aud,
Much thanks for your legitimate concern and care. I am going to dissect this response (if you don't mind) because it touches on most if not all areas.

Too much stress for sure! Understatement. Gah.

Yipes! yes! I haven't been able to eat nor sleep because my life is turning up the heat at every turn. I wish in the grand scheme of things I could figure out what I did wrong, but for the life of me I cant figure out the ONE thing that has lead to this total life Armageddon. I have carefully sifted through the past events in the last 6-8 months and still don't have any real red flag other than prancing back into old ways I suppose and those ways have a tendency of magnifying two-fold.

Whapu, I know I've said it before, but the only way to find the peace you crave is to TAKE CARE OF YOU.

You know that is the mantra I have stuck with for the last several weeks up to a nth degree. But if I don't do them them no one will or my W will come SWOOPING down from the ALTAR of excellence and show how it should have been done. My voice has been taken away completely from my household. Nothing I say or do justifies anything because my W has TAKEN hold and overridden everything. If I stand up for my beliefs, then she makes sure that all the children know that she is in the right and I am just either delusional or angry beyond normal human conditions. Last night we were awakened at midnight because the older son (16) had punched the son (12) in the arm because the middle son wanted to go on the xbox and knew that if he went on the upstairs computer it would "lag" the online gaming of the older son. We hear rustling on the stairs and then crying from the 12 yr old and a slam of the door. Then the 16 year old comes in saying he can't take it anymore, that the 12 year old told him that he needs to get off the xbox or more of that will be coming B!tch!. She said you shouldn't punch anyone and said also "aren't you going to say anything?"
I told her that it didn't matter what I said unless I agreed with her and so I don't believe anyone should be hit but I also don't believe that anyone can run their mouth either without consequences.
She said that she would take care of it in the morning. She then complained that she had heartburn, Migraine, bad back and was exhausted and shouldn't have to take care of these matters. I just told her firmly that "Just once, I would like to hear something nice instead of complaints of ailments every day and how nothing is satisfactory.
She got out of bed and said fine and went straight into 12 year old bedroom and slept with him. After an hour the little one woke up and went in after her. I was woken up when he needed to pee though so I at least have some sort of importance in the house. I really didn't get any sleep except for about 2 hours and my first day training went on in a blur. This is beyond anything imaginable for me so my posts might dwindle off to never never land. I have cut the cord of any sort of resolution and now is the time for me to figure out if there is any chance to regain any sort of life.

I know you consulted with your clergyman for support awhile ago, and felt unsatisfied with the response...have you thought about looking for a new option in that regard?

I had sought guidance from a nun who I really admire and didn't really find it life enriching. Not her fault but I think this is my problem to tow alone. I give up.

At the risk of sounding cliche, you've got to detach. From all of it. It's a fine line, because you are currently a husband and parent with responsibilities. But one of your biggest responsibilities is to provide a positive role model for your boys. They need your example and guidance, and an empty bucket just won't fill them up. \:\(

You're right Aud and I have failed miserably. I really need to get out of here but I don't want my children to think I am dumping them. It is beyond catastrophic! I don't have answers nor the time and energy to care for anyone but yet I am left doing it at the expense of my W grading each and every turn. I really feel like the alien now except another relationship is FAR from my thoughts. I just want to save myself and my children if possible but feel it might be too late.

"When dis' here thread locks, I think I might call it a day....I reckon"
To all peace.....

[Aud31]

Thanks for your post Whapu. I can understand your feelings of helplessness...and I'm concerned about the hopeless tone of what you wrote. Really concerned.

I want to point something out to you: from your post, it appears that most everything that is causing you stress, anxiety, anger is coming from WHAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE DOING/SAYING. Maybe I'm missing something here (and I know you're worn down beyond your last nerve), but you're allowing circumstances beyond your control to control you.

You are NOT alone. You do not have to do this by yourself. You do not have to accept and absorb the negativity around you, nor do you have to cut and run.

When I say 'take care of yourself', I'm not necessarily talking about being selfish with your time--not that I think you are, but I can see the conflict that arises from your efforts to get some space. I'm talking about connecting with the loveable, admirable, dignified Whapu buried deep inside your beaten-down exterior. I'm talking about changing your negative self-talk to loving, affirming conversations with yourself. I'm talking about remembering/finding what it is about you that makes you YOU: learning to REALLY love yourself. That happens internally, it's helpful if you can come up with GAL activities to find it, but sometimes the best GAL activities aren't visible to anyone.

This is what I mean by detaching. I mean separating your worth from the reactions of your family and acquaintances. It's hard to do. But it's vital. Because no matter how many mistakes you make, no matter how you're treated, deep down, you have many good qualities, they're just waiting for the opportunity to shine.

[fig]

whapu my sweetie

you are more than welcome to come take a breather at our house, of course there are still boxes everywhere but...

how would it work if you were to maybe get your own place, even if it is temporary????

i am not saying give up (although yikes...sounds toxic there) but maybe some breathing room.

you need to find your strength again
you need to find your peace
and
you can't seem to do it in that environment

you only abandon your kids if you chose to do so

sounds to me like you would never chose that path

so

the last paragraph of Aud's hits the nail on the head

you need to build up your self worth
you need to

don't rely on anyone else to because if they can build it up, they can also tear it down

this is you sweetiepie

mucho grande love to you

[whapu]

Aud,
One of the Sanity sisters that always has a wealth of wisdom! I can not truly tell you how much it means to me.

I want to point something out to you: from your post, it appears that most everything that is causing you stress, anxiety, anger is coming from WHAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE DOING/SAYING. Maybe I'm missing something here (and I know you're worn down beyond your last nerve), but you're allowing circumstances beyond your control to control you.

In essence, that is the root or the core of the problem I have immersed myself in. You are SOOOOO right. I am in a delirium state and a state so chaotic that I feel absolutely helpless in this house in which I dwell. whenever I am home, all I feel is this state of hopelessness and unfortunately self loathing to such a state that no matter what I do will always become a failure (whether it is one or not). I am alone strangely, because I have isolated myself from everything because I was tired of hearing how negative I am so I cut the cord on that. I finally passed my state insurance exam and will start my COMMISSION ONLY job Tuesday. I will give it all I have because that is the one opportunity to do so.

When I say 'take care of yourself', I'm not necessarily talking about being selfish with your time--not that I think you are,

Yes, I am being selfish because I am drowning and the only hands to pull me up are my own two hands. I still take care of everyone's needs because that is my responsibility (as far as the children) but I have turned my back on my W because She is so self absorbed she has enough attention on herself. Anything I do is considered her accomplishment which does irritate me but I have resigned myself to "the future uncovers all lies" I know this from experience.

I mean separating your worth from the reactions of your family and acquaintances. It's hard to do. But it's vital. Because no matter how many mistakes you make, no matter how you're treated, deep down, you have many good qualities, they're just waiting for the opportunity to shine.

As Fig has said, this paragraph truly shines! I CANNOT separate this when I am in this house! I realize I am a very good person with very good intentions but that is not enough. You must be able to accomplish your good intentions in short time. I also realize that (that person) is DEEP down, probably too deep down. I am very concerned that I no longer have the strength to resurrect him....I hope one day I will find out.

Figgy,
You and BH are very wise, kind, creative and compassionate individuals. It warms my murky heart with both of your welcomes but even with scattered boxes, I would never subject both of you and your families with my scattered soul. I would love to get a place of my own but the money is all gone, the unemployment is all gone and my credit cards have been maxed out. I would stay with friends but I have been missing in action as far as that goes because I am tired of bringing them down.
I realize that this board is for Marriages that can be resurrected or enriched. I don't believe at this point my can or will be. Also I don't believe it is right for me to use this board as some "soul savior" device either. I irritate myself with all my Sad sack blurbs so I can only imagine what anyone else might gather, (especially those that truly should have hope to save their marriages). So I will let this thread rot and diminish without another word from myself. I will still blurb from time to time on threads from the wonderful people I have met here as long as I am welcome.
Peace....

[fig]

Whapu...
shut your mouth for 5 seconds...k???? For crying out loud...friends are friends...sad sack moments or not

and

you aren't being a sad sack

you have been worn down to the nubbins

its ok to ask to be propped up for a bit

and

you seem to do that for us even in the nubbin state

friends are people who lift you up when you can't climb up anymore, theya re ones you are SUPPOSED to lean on when times are tough

it is a gift to be a friend

not a burden

remember that, K?

you will do great at your job sugarplum
and
after a spell

you can come on over for a visit and I will have blackberry pie pouring from your pores!!!!

[Aud31]

Whapu--please don't disappear. It seems to me that you truly need the support of what friends you have...move to another forum if you like, but stay on the boards!!!

whenever I am home, all I feel is this state of hopelessness and unfortunately self loathing to such a state that no matter what I do will always become a failure (whether it is one or not). I am alone strangely, because I have isolated myself from everything because I was tired of hearing how negative I am so I cut the cord on that.

No doubt the external negativity feeds the internal--but ultimately YOU are responsible for the internal. Do something about it. Stop beating yourself up. Just stop. Catch yourself and stop. You are the only person who can change the cycle. Are you on ADs? Can you get them if not?

GOOD LUCK with the new job. I know how vital it is to you and your self-worth. Honestly, to succeed at anything, you've got to BELIEVE you can do it, so please do yourself a favor and really think about the above quote and paragraph so you don't unconsciously sabotage this new opportunity.

I am praying for you, all day every day. You're not alone.

[whapu]

You know...I will just take one moment to let off some cyber excrement just because I am flabbergasted.
I would have posted on my other thread and updated what is going on with my relationship (M) and myself but that is no longer possible. It has been wiped away as if it never existed.
I get that currently I can not be considered textbook DB any longer. My Marriage is hanging by the thread of confusion, my life by the thread of either utter stupidity or stubbornness and I am certainly no poster child of success in the world of BUSTING but to wipe away a couple of weeks of events in my life (no matter how trivial) because it had a recently ousted poster's name attached to it (WHO I utterly admire by the way)is uncalled for. I was always under the opinion that a poster was allowed to journal, I didn't realize that all posts were scrutinized to such a degree for content and relevance. I am also bewildered to which audience I have to satisfy.
I guess I miss the chronology of where I am at and that will be forever lost. I did reference my marriage I believe in most if not all my posts so I am left here sucking dust in a thread that is gasping over a month ago's events.
I understand the "high command" and the threats that have been expounded on but I would think if a certain posters comments angered them, they would just edit or what is now more preferable "ERASE" that particular poster's comments...not the whole thread...
SO, as in what I am gathering by the current atmosphere in the world and certainly this board, I am not welcome and don't fit the cut-out version of the DB buster. I will gather what dingy articles in this thread I have and move out...
For the newcomers....Db principles do work when they are worked every minute and every moment..YOU DO HAVE AN IMMENSE AMOUNT OF HOPE! KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND YOUR EYES AND EARS WIDE OPEN.
For the Piecers....The same applies..IT just is even far more difficult to keep the steady plane.
For the survivors...I don't know much except that I believe I will have a steady spoonful of it coming soon...
peace

[Aud31]

Whapu--sorry the whole board fiasco happened. Are you still around? Still kickin'? I'm still thinking of you. Just so you know.

[cat03]

that is awful whapu, I"ve bee away too long and just read your posts. What can I say? life gives us a good kick in the butt every 6mths or so. Well, we'll just get up and keep on going because we are no quitters and because we live in a controlled environment where God knows we've come from and where we are going.
You are always in my prayers)))))))))))