This is such a difficult time. Ive been getting friendly texts and even a long chatty phone call on Sunday.Neither of us saying what we really feel its always been that way.I keep composing bitter letters to him in my head telling him how my retirement is ruined and how cruel he was to deceive me for 30 years. But I dont think it would be worth the momentary satisfaction of sending to him. We have two couples interested in the house -think he realises now he will have to move. I still dont want to divorce him but will have to once I receive settlement. What then? I do get distressed after contact everything churns round in my head again.Its been a roller coaster 3 years with him sitting withdrawn on the fence the whole time.Would always take him back even though I can see he is a damaged and selfish person.Dont feel I can move on as long as we are having this contact but cant ignore his e-mails or calls.Snodderly, how do I leave the door ajar without seeming needy or pushy? Its so hard to be light and friendly to someone who broke your heart.
You can leave the door ajar...being civil/friendly doesn't mean that you have to respond to his emails/texts/calls right away. If you do not feel that you can move on w/the constant contact, cut it back a notch.
He needs to learn and understand that what he has done has created a mess and a divorce is in the making. You, on the other hand, have to set some boundaries about the contact and only you can do that.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Write those damn letters. Let it all out. Say all the things you are dying to say and can't or won't, because it would be unwise. Write pages and pages. Make a journal of it. Then Burn it. I know that sounds corny, but it actually works. I felt so much better after I got it out. Word to the wise - don't do it in the house, it sets the smoke alarms off.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Got back from a short holiday break to find a text message asking me to contact him asap to discuss offers on our house. He finished message with a X (see -Im still looking for clues)I rang him and we discussed how much we would sell house for.As usual I heard how hard he was working on keeping it clean and saleable,how many unsuccessful job applications he had written and how he didnt know where he would go when house was sold-oh,and how he was now afraid to open creditors letters.Things really do seem bad for him although I guess he laid it on a bit.Im trying so hard not to feel bitter but the phone conversation was cool and he must have sensed it.If he suggested a reconciliation now (unlikely!) I would be in turmoil.What a total mess he has created.Still,I want to be his friend if I can.
A, I hope the vacation break was peaceful and restful for you.
As for your conversation w/your h, he's play the "poor me" song about everything that is not going well in his life. I know that you want to be a friend to him, but please be careful not to fall into his bottomless pit of poor me. Sometimes they do this so that we will feel sorry for them and back off on what we are going for. W/the pending sale of the house, he may very well hope that you'll decide to give him more of your share or offer him additional funds. Please, please do not fall for that.
A, your h needs to grow up and learn from his mistakes. You, on the other hand are the mature adult here and are striving to live your life to the fullest as best you can.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
House sale going through.Had an unexpected call from him last Saturday early morning. He started off saying" Oh love to think its come to this ..."then told me how bad things were for him ( no money no job no friends cant pay bills- all true-)and just as I was about to tell him how much I still thought about him and how much I still miss him after 3 years separation he asked me to reduce the settlement! I was so hurt to think this was really the only reason for his call. I said no, he was already getting a good deal considering he chose to end a 30 yr marriage .I later sent an e-mail which I now regret telling him that he broke my heart and not to contact me again. The phone went immediately, I didnt answer it. I then received a text message saying that he didnt mean to hurt me, he thought about me daily but imagined I wouldnt believe that, and that he would ring me later . He hasnt, yet.Snodderly you were right as usual. But he is in such a mess its very hard to remain detached.
A, Stick to your boundaries and your settlement. Do not lower it.
BTW, I'm so sorry that it appears that he only called you about the settlement. No one really knows what goes on inside their heads at any give time. The most important thing is to take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
House completion date is next Friday. After much negotiation we agreed on settlement. He talked me down to 70% of house sale only -no maintenence or any of his pension. He has big debt like me and cant find work.Could have fought for more but have run out of strength and money to pay soliciter. He e- mailed me that he didnt know what to say and that he would always care and think about me. Daughter says he is eaten up with guilt and its true.Now I am supposed to send off our decree absolute letter to court but I feel my hearts breaking all over again.I still think about him so much especially in the small hours.But 3 years on this nightmare is coming to an end and soon I will look for a retirement place and get on with the time I have left.
A, I'm so sorry about your situation. Once the dust has settled, you will be able to think clearly and decide where you would like to retire to. Give yourself plenty of time to heal. It doesn't happen over a few days.
As for your h's guilt, it is his to own and do not buy into it. He's had many opportunities to do the right thing, but he hasn't.
Look to the future and know that no matter what happens along the way, you will be okay. You are a survivor!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
