Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 15 of 16 1 2 13 14 15 16
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Of course, you still love him. You will always have a place in your heart for him, but as time moves along, the love you are still experiencing will become a different type of love. You have done nothing wrong here. Your h has had every opportunity to return home. The hearing may set him back a bit and give him plenty to think about, but time will tell on that one.

I'm sorry it was such an emotional time for you. However, you were given an opportunity to see that his life has not been a bed of roses and now he must complete his journey. You have your own journey to finish up and I suspect your journey will bring you peace and healing much quicker than his.

Be kind to yourself. You have done nothing wrong here. You had to protect yourself financially and there's nothing you could have done differently.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 119
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 119
Thanks snodderly for wise counselling. It would have been easier if H had been cold and defensive but to see him so broken and confused hurt. Although my sister did not believe it was genuine!As you say I have to do this but wish I didnt.Where is a lottery win when you need it?

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Why does your sister think he's not genuine? Is it because your divorce isn't final yet and she thinks he's playing mind games w/you?

Hope you are feeling better today.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 119
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 119
She is very protective of me. She is afraid I will be hurt further.He has a long history of serial unfaithfulness and letting me down. She has seen the pain of the last 3 years when I thought I would go mad and never survive without him ( I was abandoned at 2 and have dependency issues).Ive lived with him 28 years and although he was always a private person -secretive- I reckon I know him better than anyone else. He is vain and weak but basically not deliberately cruel. He has never said anything unkind to or about me except that day in 07 when he broke down and said he couldnt move to my home town with me in retirement,as planned.Right now he will be feeling frightened,guilty,regretful and resentful.Basically he doesnt know what he wants and is still floundering. At one point I told him that after the divorce I never wanted to see him again,but now I have accepted my life on my own and would like to be his friend.I know he doesnt want to let go either.

Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 119
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 119
We have just accepted an offer on the house. He made a counter offer in settlement to my soliciters proposal and I agreed to it. Settlement is ok- I think its fair- but Ill struggle to buy a house.He seems upbeat- has called me twice in last 2 days to ask which remaining things I want and what he can throw away.
Considerate of him to bother- I dont contact him and he could have just got rid of everything. Keeps saying" I think about you every day" Im afraid when I talk to him I forget all divorce busting principles and end up saying things I shouldnt. For example " I hope we will still see each other" " I suppose I should send the divorce absolute form off now I dont want to" and
"if you are ever homeless you can stay here" After I put down the phone I hate my needy weakness.Truth is I still care so much after 3 years separation. He is clearly still mixed up-he recently lost both his parents and is now applyng for jobs after being out of work for a year so his life is as uncertain as mine.
I have lost the feelings of despair and panic but I dont think I will ever really get over this. Strange, all the long stretches of months,nearly years, when I heard nothing from him I felt calmer. Recent events have made this divorce real although we are more in contact.I am certain of two things. Right now he has no thoughts of a reconciliation;and he is afraid that I end up hating him and stop all contact as I always said I would as soon as we divorced.

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Of course he's going to be so very attentive and concerned about where you are going to stay. He knows darn good and well that he's the reason for you having to sell and move out. Of course, he doesn't want you to cut all contact, he would then be forced to look in the mirror and see the immature cad he truly is.

A lot of them pull these stunts just before the divorce. They don't want us to harbor ill feelings for them and, of course, they want to come across so nice and concerned for all to see.

Nothing says you will end up hating him, but I can tell you this...if I were in your shoes, once everything was finalized, I'll go completely dark on him for a while. He needs to realize what he's done and what he actually has lost...YOU!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 119
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 119
Well,theres nothing special about me really, but I loved him and put up with his infidelities and emotional reserve for 28 years without complaint- I guess I got what I deserved by not having enough self respect. I agree,so far Ive been nice and accomodating ,swallowing everything I want to say,I am really going to make an effort to be polite but formal from now on and keep my distance after the divorce.Thanks snodderly.

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Please stop beating your self up and putting yourself down. No one, and you included, deserved the treatment that we have been dealt by our spouses.

There is absolutely no way that you could have prevented what he's experiencing. This trip that they are on is all about themselves and growing up. We were not there to protect them when they were young....

As for you, this is a time for you to spread your wings and soar. Life is far, far too short to live in the past. Look to the future, for you will get there in time. Live in the present and know that life will be good again, in time.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 119
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 119
What happened was about him ,and nothing I could do could change it. For 3 years I have employed best divorce-busting tactics and bent myself into a pretzel to try to win him back. But I know it wasnt about me or my shortcomings. Having said that, perhaps if I had been less passive by accepting his treatment of me- he might have had more respect. In a way, I feel I almost trained him to behave so badly because of my meek acceptance of it.I am trying hard to look forward but the wounds still hurt.I know he isnt happy now and I care about that.... but I will survive like everyone else on this website because I have to.Life goes on and my happiness cant depend on one person. You think that you will go crazy with grief but something keeps you moving on...

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
A,
Divorce-busting tactics are not only to try to save your marriage, but to you assist you along the way. They are tactics that you can apply in your day-to-day life each and every day.

You can't win someone back who is already out the door and has his mind made up that he's not coming back. However, you can leave the door ajar and hope that some day, he'll take a long hard look in the mirror and come to realize that what he's been seeking was there right in front of his face all of the time. Your h is like most of them here, broken emotionally a long time ago by something tragic in their past. We can't bring out the glue to fix them...only they can choose to do that. What we can do is step back and allow them the space and time to heel.

A, no matter what, you will always have feelings for him, but you cannot put your life on hold. Grief takes time to get through and then one day, you begin to notice things around you once again. Give yourself time to grieve, but please, do not put your life on hold. Every day brings promise of new adventures and life is waiting to embrace you once again. God does have a special plan for each and every one of us...we just have to be patient.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Page 15 of 16 1 2 13 14 15 16

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard