Nothing appeared on our anniversary but he sent this the next day- Dear Caroline The last 2 months have been pretty awful so I have not been able to give any time to the letters from your solicitor. I picked up a message from her but I didn't get back because I didn't want to go through any circumstances with her. I'm sure she is a decent enough person but she's a stranger to me.
My mum has been deteriorating rapidly and dad couldn't cope any longer so we decided to organise respite care. She had 8 days in a respite home and came out with a chest infection, severe dehydration and a UTI. She had to go to Dudley Road Hospital for 3 weeks. When she came out I picked up swine flu and the bloody thing laid me flat for 3 weeks. Then mum picked up another chest infection in the last 2 weeks and went back into Dudley Road last week. Last Monday I thought she would'nt make the weekend. But she seems to have pulled through the worst and hopefully she will be out before Christmas.
Sorry this sounds woeful. I just thought if you knew the circumstances, you would see I'm not sitting on the letters hoping everything will go away - I know it won't. Everything has been shelved - jobs, christmas etc. I've got to see mum settled when she's out and support dad till she is. But I will study the options your solicitor has given and respond to them in early January. Please let your solicitor know.
Thank you for sending the Christmas card to mum and dad. That meant a lot.
And it was our wedding anniversary yesterday - a Saturday as well. I was thinking about you and sending good thoughts.
Bless you Caroline and I hope you have a good Christmas. It's not reasonable to send my good thoughts to your family but please pass them on if you think its ok to do. Love to Pad especially.
Christopher x Naturally this has put me in a turmoil again-he has never lied to me (though hidden the truth about his affairs) so I believe this. I want to give him emotional support at this time but how to do it without seeming "pushy?"I havent sent him an anniversary or Christmas card.If anyone can spare a moment at this busy time to give me advice Id be grateful. A very happy Christmas to all my friends on this site especially dear snodderly without whose calm wisdom I would have gone under .
I would send a note and say something like this, "h, I'm very sorry to hear about your parents. If there is anything I can do, please let me know. I'm glad they have you to assist them. I'm sorry to hear that you were laid low for three weeks with the swine flu. Hopefully you are feeling better now. Please take care of yourself. Merry Christmas."
Just respond back to those items he mentioned. I wouldn't bring up the papers at this time because he's got his hands full w/his parents. He'll get back to them after he sees his mother settled and recovering at home.
Merry Christmas and may the New Year be brighter for you!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks snodderly I waited and calmed down for a day or two and then wrote as you suggested-caring but not too intrusive.His Mum is very old he is an only son and very close to his parents and will be devastated when her time comes.My impulse is to go up and support him but I offered help if he needs it and have to step back now. Isnt life a mixture of the wonderful,funny and tragic?Do have a lovely Christmas x
I'm glad you sent him a note. He knows that he can talk to you and you will be supportive of his parents, etc.
Wishing you and your family a Merry Christmas.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
An Emotional Christmas. I got a 6am Happy Christmas text from him and sent friendly one back. Texted him a simple " Happy Birthday" on 30th and got this by return.Dearest Caroline,
Thank you for your happy birthday text - it meant a lot.
I'm off to visit mom shortly with dad. My mom's illness and the vulnerability of mom and dad over these last months has given me the opportunity to look after them and has made me think about I how can be a better person. I guess its my moms parting gift. So there are some things are I would like to say that I've wanted to say to you for some time. They are my deepest regrets but I hope you won't think I need to be rescued from feeling them. This doesn't require a reply. There's quite a list but I'll restrict myself to the things that stand out the most.
You trusted me enough to go through the childhood you never had as a girl and I pushed you away. I didn't recognise it because I was selfish and childish. I am so sorry. I kept myself apart and took no part in your family life. That must have been so hurtful. I regret that so much. I was self centred and ridiculous. I wish I'd have acted more responsibly and been more like a grown man to you. There's no point going through the rest - all else came from that.
I will be wishing you well this new year with all my heart.
Christopher x
Responded by saying that I was not blameless- I saw he was unhappy but denied it ,but that I wasnt going to rescue him from his regrets and yes,he did hurt me.I said we had both learned a lot in the last 3 years and that I cared very much for the good person that he was. I wished him well. Now, he is supposed to respond to my soliciters 3 financial options by the end of this month. Nothing yet- he is still frozen. I sense his great regret but not sure how to go on with this. I still have strong feelings for him but have learned to live alone.Should I remain detached and silent unless he contacts me, or broach the subject of the settlement/divorce which neither of us mentions?
A, Are you ready to divorce him and move on? If you aren't, which, I don't think you are, then sit quietly and be patient. The only real question here is what do you want?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Havent posted for a while- been a long and lonely time. He is very reluctant to sell house and is making all sorts of excuses -wont drop price ,says it needs decorating etc. Has not filed his financial statement with the court,due on April 22nd. More stalling.The first hearing is next Thursday- I havent seen him for 2 years now and am terrified at the thought of seeing him again,let alone legal wrangles.House must be sold -I finish work in July -cant afford rent after that.Feel I cant cope with this much longer. Im 61 and on the verge of being homeless. I still care for him so much and know he is scared,guilty,regretful and resentful all at once but it hurts so much that someone I spent 30 years with can leave me to sink or swim.
I've been wondering where you have been. I'm sorry that he's stalling with everything. Sounds to me like he doesn't want to let go and yet he's not made a move to return home. This is where it gets tough, i.e., when you know things have to be done in order for you to survive.
I do hope that you are being kind to yourself. Are you taking care of yourself?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The first hearing was awful. I had wondered if he would turn up-its a 3 hour drive for him-and my soliciter wanted to talk to him face to face before we went in front of judge to try to reach some agreement. He turned up 10 minutes before we were due for hearing and was shown into a seperate room. My soliciter went in to talk to him but came out after 5 minutes saying that he was becoming really upset.I wanted to rush to him of course but both my sister(there for support) and soliciter said give him time to collect himself. The hearing was moved to an hour later. After a while my soliciter went back and put her/our new proposals for settlement. H had turned down earlier proposals so we came down a bit to what I considered a fair split. She returned and said he had agreed to reduce house price and conduct all viewings with estate agent present.He still felt settlement high(75% of house sale in full and final settlement not touching his pension or claiming maintenence)but needed time to think about it. Asked if he could see me so I went into the little room where he was waiting and we were left alone. Im afraid I ran into his arms and he held me and sobbed and sobbed. I hadnt seen him for 2 years. He looked awful- suit grubby,unshaven,really down at heel.He said he "talked to me every night" and couldnt bear the thought of not ever seeing me again. We discussed other stuff like his parents recent death but I felt so overwhelmed at being with him again I forget most of the conversation. I did ask "How did things with Helen pan out?" -woman he left me for he shook his head and said it didnt.In court,judge arranged 2nd hearing date and hoped we could reach agreement by then. He left then and I got a "bless you x" text nothing since. I cant say how much this has put me in an emotional turmoil I feel cruel but he caused this.I still love him I guess.
