"may as well have undressed them and put them in bed." That is degrading to us, and also presumptive of having more control and power in life than you really do
That statement was directed to me alone. No one else, as it fit my situation, please don't twist my words.
J3B,
Honestly. Nothing was 'directed' at you or a backhanded comment that is fitting of your situation only. This is not anything nasty or twisting. Yes, I am not hiding that it was a quote from your post. And, I was only commenting my thoughts on your statement -- part of dialogue....as I recall others doing as well. My apologies for not directly quoting you, it's not a tool I'm familiar with as I don't use the site much anymore.
I expressed my thoughts about that line of thinking, that we own too much of the blame and it is: 1) degrading to the person taking too much blame and 2) possibly presumptive of more control than we actually have in the situation.
These are not just my own thoughts, but also of a psychiatrist I know, regarding the very same line of thinking that I had at one time.
Again, it's a fine line between self-awareness and admitting your part to too much.
I believe that we are not on the best of terms and I am sorry for that. It seemed like an attack, based on something out of context.
What I meant, was that my statement of undressing and putting them in bed, was directed at me and me alone for my inattention to my wife and generally not being around, actually asking the OM to go out with my wife and watch over her, protect her. Either because I didn't want to go out or because I had to work the next morning.
I agree that there is an amazingly fine line with fault. I think most people don't want any part of it.
I only degrade those who deserve it; on purpose. And that was said in a joking way, no inuendos there.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I believe you are taking things out of context and to mean directives at you that do not exist. I am talking about a situation in general, about how we think of ourselves, and out thoughts about our roles and the situation....this is not about me picking on you.
I have no idea why you believe that we are not on good terms. Best of terms, maybe not, but then again I only have that with a handful of folks here, so nothing personal! It's a bit troubling that you make the statement, based on what? I have expressed my opinions, but I have never engaged in a brawl, conflict or drama from the boards. So, there is nothing to be sorry about - there simply is nothing!
Again, I am sad that my writing style was so poor that my point was out of context!
I know you meant your situation. I never said that you didn't. I was also trying to say, that we all think this, it's natural, and that your line of thinking is harmful for YOU too. Potentially. A person's line of thinking, that self-talk, is harmful or positive for THEM. Again, this is not pointing you out, rather making a point.
I never meant that you degrade OTHERS....rather (as I tried to clarify in the last post) that thinking this about YOURSELF is potentially degrading YOURSELF. Please understand the context. I'm not picking, but it's a point I want to make for all of us who go through this thinking about US and OUR situations. It's what we think of OURSELVES (again, I am not pointing to YOU).
So, that is to say, that for each of us, yes...we had faults and things we could have done better and things that may have pushed things in a direction. But this is a slippery slope, too. Because, on the other hand, those in the MLC camp also say that this was unavoidable. So, it's important to be careful what we tell ourselves so it's not so heavy on our shoulders.
I just don't want anyone, including YOU (yes, I am pointing you out here!!!), to take too much blame. Sure, you could have been, and should have been, more attentive and more stuff....but the ball was bouncing back and forth...in your W's court, too, and you know that. The choice on her actions, on how she reacted, was hers (and you pointed that out on another thread). So, don't be so hard on yourself.
So, let's keep it to the point, one that I hope resonates with others and one that I hope that I have finally articulated better than I apparently did before. Let's not make it personal. End of that.
