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Sara #1464092 05/31/08 02:33 PM
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We are now in our late 40's. We both decided that we didn't want to have children, so there won't be any grandchildren running around. I think now that that makes it even scarier for me. It kills me to think of having to be alone without him. I can't even imagine it.


I know. I don't have children, either. It is very scary and sad, but you are still with him right now, and are not alone. Focus on that. He has felt shame and guilt already--he should! This is a good thing. Perhaps it's a major wake-up call that needed to be had in order for him to realize he almost caused himself to lose the best thing in his life---you.

By the way, about the weight loss, it's normal. Most of us here dropped down to very frightening sizes. You will need some time to become stable from all of this; stress causes our bodies to go haywire for a while. Just try to eat/sleep and rest when possible. It gets better.

It is unfortunate that you were ever put in this position to begin with. My best to you.


Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
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I have made several copies of everything. One is in my locker at work on a CD, one is on a zip drive hidden inside the couch. I have them password protected, and have changed the file extensions to nonsense letters. If I want to look at them, I have to change the extension back to the right letters. Otherwise the computer doesn't know what to open them with. I have no idea how I knew to do this. I think I should be CIA.
My husband is really so self-involved in his own thoughts right now, I don't think it has occured to him how much he was spied on. I did go to him one night and told him that I changed his settings to remember history on the browser and told him I was sorry and felt guilty. He said considering his actions, he didn't think it was unreasonable of me. So he thinks I spied, felt guilty, and admitted it. He is right, he just has no idea of the extent.
I have copies of emails from Feb to May. None though on what was said from October to Feb.
There is nothing more deflating than reading emails from your own husband telling some woman what he would like to do to her. Some of hers were funny in a way. With English not being her language, her sexy emails talking about his "cak" were funny in a twisted way. I cried and laughed.

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I know how you feel. I once found a typed letter from my H to ow and he talked of how much he wanted to be with her.
I'm glad you were smart enough to copy things. It's awful having to do this, but unfortunately until things are on more stable ground, it is wise. You just never know.
I have no idea how you knew how to do what you did, either, but it's remarkable.
What is your H doing now in order to show you it's truly over with this woman and that he wants to work things out?


Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
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Frankly, I am just grateful that he is finally in the "here and now". For the last six months it was like he was here, but not mentally.
Now he is participating in our lives. He still isn't "all the way home" mentally, but I can tell he is more in tune with being here instead of wishing he were there. I am not going to push hard, I am just going to try to keep our home a fine place to be, and hopefully, he will remember that he does really want to be here. There is no doubt in my mind that he hadn't went down there planning on tearing us apart, he never hid finances or tried to start fights, and those things. He simply withdrew from how he used to be. It is still alittle stiff feeling between us but I can ask questions when I want and I feel he is giving me the best answer he can without feeling like I will be totally crushed. Since he doesn't know what I already know, I think he thinks he is being kind.

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