My husband's MLC

[Worstdayinmylife]

I forgot to mention that English is not the OW's first language so any email I sent had to sound like it was bad English with mispelled words. I looked back in the emails I had copied to see what her sentence structure was, and which words she mispelled the most. And she really loved these!!!!!!!!!! She was so excited !!!!!!!!
She was also 20 years younger than my husband.

Thinking about it all is just so depressing. I have antidepressants from my doctor. but I haven't noticed any difference except that I feel really sleepy. I have finally stopped losing weight. I went from 34DD to 32DD. You know how hard it is to find a 32DD bra. I hope one day food will taste again because right now it feels like rubber in my mouth.

[Sara]

You are still in the throes of the upheaval of the affair. As time goes by, and your relationship goes back to normal, the insecurity will fade. I understand being haunted by the idea that your husband preferred to be with someone else. That happened to me when my husband had an affair 1 1/2 years ago. When I look back at the things I wrote then, they surprise me. I no longer even remember feeling so insecure. But the thoughts of him with her did haunt me. They went away with time and reassurance from him.

Some of the best advice I got at the time, when we were doing our Retrouvaille weekend, was to tell the truth, but no one says what depth of truth to go to. I found a shallow depth to be quite enough. If you leave the past behind, what difference does it make what went on then?

[momof2girls]

Oh wow! You are very resourceful in your actions of breaking up your H's affair! HOWEVER; don't be fooled into thinking that the truth will not come out eventually!!

You are feeling guilty about the deception and trickery you have done. Because of what you have done, your H came clean. I am sure it would have been awhile (or never) for him to confess to what went on over seas.

I think you do need to come clean. Living with lies is going to wear on your health, both physically and emotionally. I am not judging you, I have been there and the feelings of desperation are overwhelming.

If your H and you are reworking/rebuilding your M, you should do so with a clean slate...this is just my opinion but one thing I learned being on these boards is that snooping and obtaining information through deceptive means only hurts us in the end.

I know you did what you did to save your marriage...and you can't beat yourself up over that. We all make mistakes, but forgiving and admitting to them makes you a strong, brave person!

[BeingMe]

Make sure there isn't a key logger on your computer, installed by your H.

I don't know if what you did was right, but I sure can understand. You were fighting for your family, and 25 year M. I wonder if I would've done the same, if I had thought of it. I did snoop, which is how I found out about my H's EA, but I did tell him everything.

Not sure what you should do right now, but before blabbing it all out .... just think about it, and what you're going to say, and be prepared to lose the M. I wonder if your H would've kept the secret of the OW, if you hadn't found out.

Anyway, don't beat yourself up too much. You did what you thought you had to do, and it seems to have worked ... for the time being. Now, you just got to figure how to come clean, I guess, or how to let it go, and live with the secret without it eating you up inside. Only you can say, really.

Take care.

[Worstdayinmylife]

My husband says he is sure he would have never willingly told me. He says whatever happened, it would have died with him on his death bed. He says he hates the thought that he was not the person I thought he was.
I don't know if he would have left me or not if I hadn't broke them up. I do know that if he did, he would have kept her a secret until he got home from Afghanistan. And then act like it was someone he either just met, or act like he met her there, just happened to later get divorced, and thought he would give her a call. This is the story he would have given his mom, aunts, etc. I guess he wouldn't have given it to me because if he divorced me, we definitely wouldn't have a whole lot of reason to talk. One day he might realize that for her to come to the US and get married, she would have had to apply for a Fiance Visa while she was still making googoo eyes at him. And it really isn't that easy to get another type of Visa if your are from that country. There is a good chance she wouldn't have been able to visit unless he was divorced and willing to marry her. I guess he would be making trips down there.
Reading all this crap is like I am living someone else's life. My life had never been soap opera like. I had a crush on the same guy from 1st grade to graduation. And I never told a single soul until just now. Hey maybe I can keep my secret.

[Sara]

I just don't see the point of doing all that you did if you are going to tattle on yourself later. I know it must have been great fun, and made you feel powerful. And now it is over, and there is no more excitement. That must be a letdown. Considering the distance, it is not likely that he will find out that she got emails that he didn't send. Despite all that you do know about his affair, my bet is that he is still not telling you everything either.

[Worstdayinmylife]

IMO all is fair in love and war.

I wonder how many OMs or OWs feel that way too?

My guess is that all of them feel that way. That is what got them in the situation.

[NNP1965]

Sometimes you just have to put the past behind you. You need to fogive him for his failings. And you need to forgive yourself for your failings. And then you just leave the baggage behind. I don't believe that telling each other your secrets will improve your relationship. I think if you can concoct a scaled down version of your wrongdoing, and admit to that, get forgiven and move on, that is for the best.

Garbage is garbage. Don't drag it around with you, and don't go sifting through it looking for hidden meanings. Get rid of it. If you need to go confess to a priest, then do that. But confessing to your husband will not help you or him in any way.

This is a VERY good post. I did not go as far as you did, but I did something similar so I can really understand you on this.

What keeps going through my mind right now is one of the last scenes from the movie Private Ryan, where Tom Hanks character tells Private Ryan to "EARN THIS".

Granted the ends may not justify the means, BUT it is done now... I think what you need to do is RUN don't walk to a good counselor and begin working on yourself.

I am not saying that someday you won't tell your H the truth about it. Personally I do not see what purpose it would serve right now, BUT someday you might get to where you could tell him.

I am sorry I seem to be rambling, I am having a little trouble getting my thoughts together and the fact that posts can no longer be edited is freaking me out a little bit.

Seriously though the best thing you can do now is work on you.

[Bworl]

It's really surprising to me how many people on getting on this thread and basically telling you "don't worry about" the deception you pulled.

My guess is that if any of them found out that their WAS had done something even close to similar to them in terms of deception, they would have gone nuts.

Funny how it's ok for US to do something backhanded, sneaky, and inappropriate, but it's not for THEM.


Interesting.


Bill

[hopefloats7]

Wow.
Worstday, I have to hand it to you. My situation is quite similar to yours (military H, deployments/TDYs, affair, ow of different nationality). I personally don't think you should worry too much about what you did with those emails. I sit here reading this and wished I had been as resourceful. You were trying to save your marriage. You were trying to end your HUSBAND's affair. He was already where he shouldn't be, and possibly putting you at risk, health-wise. What if he had been sent on a TDY to that same location? Maybe this fling would have become something more. You don't know, so you acted.
I definitely think you and he need to try to break down the communication barriers and talk about what you both feel is missing. Believe me, I know how hard it is to be you---the wife at home, trying to hold it all together while he is sent here, there, and everywhere on dangerous/exciting missions; some rougher than others. He's away from you, he's exposed to things many people never get to experience, and like you said, a lot of his friends with him on these deployments are doing the very same thing. Doesn't make it right, but it makes it easier to cross that line.
I'm not excusing him at all; just saying that this lifestyle isn't the best as far as keeping a marriage healthy and intact. It is highly possible the affair would have just ended because they do not see each other often enough to keep it going, and had you not been dabbling on the computer, you never would have found out.
If your H is trying to rebuild trust with you, I don't think he should mind if you know how to check each other's email accounts, etc. It's going to take some hard work from here.
If you are at all worried about the future of your marriage and you think he might do this again, I'm going to advise you to do something unpopular but smart: print out those emails from your H to his ow and keep them in a very safe place. They are evidence of adultery and you might need them someday. Sorry to have to say this to you, but any lawyer would also tell you to do it.
I hope you NEVER need them.
Good luck to you and keep posting. I know you feel guilty for what you did, but I honestly think you did a good thing: you broke up an affair, something that shouldn't have been happening in the first place.