You sitch is very similar to mine at least in the determination to end things despite seeming to be getting along so well. We have been separated for about a month but yet we spend most of our time together. It seems that since separating she is starting to see it wasn't all she thought it was cracked up to be. It looks like we are heading back to the positive side now with her talking about us living under the same roof again.
I guess I am saying this to just tell you, if you do get separated, there is still hope. Obviously the more you can work on yourself and the longer you can maintain theose changes might avert that whole situation all together. Just don't talk about your changes, let your actions speak.....she is watching
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Why do people always think that just because someone is 'walking away' that there is some 'other person' or a 'mid life crisis'? I guess I don't understand that.
"Why do people always think that just because someone is 'walking away' that there is some 'other person' or a 'mid life crisis'? I guess I don't understand that."
Because a lot of times.. there is "another person".. THE MLC thing.. the symptoms of WAS are very similar.. with the difference being.. WAS aren't doing it because of their age.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I went back again to read that first post and this is what jumped out at me:
Quote:
Constructive Criticism I called it.
I can understand constructive criticism b/c I am the type to give it......but I don't care to be on the receiving end of it. It hurts, plain and simple. No matter how much we think our loved ones would be better if only they would follow our instructions.....it still hurts very deeply. I have learned that one reason it hurts so badly is b/c we are the ones they turn to for validation. They want us to support them.....to cheer them on and encourage them. I know that when somebody gives me a lump of sugar, I work like a horse to be better at what I'm doing. In other words......feed my ego and build up my self esteem. I only wished I had not waited on long to learn that lesson in life.
I think that onstructive criticism can be a real killer to a marriage relationship! Perhaps with you wondering when is she going to walk out that door.....you have not been doing all that constructive criticism and it is paying off! You know, sometimes that is all it takes to change things. I believe that you have changed probably more than you realize and she is seeing those changes and liking it.
So, try to read the DB book when time allows and keep up the good work.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I went back again to read that first post and this is what jumped out at me:
Quote:
Constructive Criticism I called it.
I can understand constructive criticism b/c I am the type to give it......but I don't care to be on the receiving end of it. It hurts, plain and simple. No matter how much we think our loved ones would be better if only they would follow our instructions.....it still hurts very deeply. I have learned that one reason it hurts so badly is b/c we are the ones they turn to for validation. They want us to support them.....to cheer them on and encourage them. I know that when somebody gives me a lump of sugar, I work like a horse to be better at what I'm doing. In other words......feed my ego and build up my self esteem. I only wished I had not waited on long to learn that lesson in life.
I think that onstructive criticism can be a real killer to a marriage relationship! Perhaps with you wondering when is she going to walk out that door.....you have not been doing all that constructive criticism and it is paying off! You know, sometimes that is all it takes to change things. I believe that you have changed probably more than you realize and she is seeing those changes and liking it.
So, try to read the DB book when time allows and keep up the good work.
Sandi
Hey Sandi This is a funny coincidence, in regards to constructive criticism. I have not been back to this thread in a while, but just noticed that someone had posted. Wife wants to get started on a project at home this weekend and I was told that I had to stay out of it.....I asked if I could help and the answer was NO.....I slipped and said "oh come on, let's both do it and make sure it gets done right".....good one, eh? "Gets done right"....she actually got a little laugh out of it, but I knew as it was coming out it was wrong....and really one of my first slip ups.
WAW slowly... man I feel the pain. Yet my W throws in the don't touch me .... It has been about 3 4 5 months I'm too tired to count ... since mine said something like " you what you thought was our marriage was a dream .. here is how I really feel..."
Seriously, my situation is complicated by so many internal external issues I'm too tired to post anymore...
The rollercoaster of emotions... the kids.... the regrets.. should have been more thoughtful ... should of this should of that... it wears on the soul .. leaves you believing there is no value in yourself ..
The W makes sure to stop any good feelings from flowing by giving the reminder..
The bottom line for me is this:
1. I made a committment before God. 2. I fathered 2 children that God has made me responsible to raise for Him. (I realize this is not everyone's belief, however, just let me keep it real for my self.) 3. If the W wants to end our marriage, she will do it 100% on her own decision and will power. We are in deep, therefore, short of homicide I believe it can be worked out. 4. My children deserve a father that will go through hell and back and not give up!! Is is easy - no.. .that is the hell part. However, living by principle simplifies the confusing. 5 I'm reminding myself that I am forgiven for every thing I could have possibly done to Her, for Her to feel this way, regardless of how she reponds. This is not something I tell her, however, I'm giving it all I have to cut free from the guilt of the past, which if not done, will hinder any reconcilation. 6. If she does chose to leave,... I 'll save this for later. But I'll put it this way, for her, she will feel for the first time that splitting means splitting. I may give in some but remember, I'm not the one leaving. In my opinion, leaving the marriage because, "your not happy!".. no cheating, beating etc etc. and the result of leaving is seeing pain in my childrens' eyes is the closest thing I know of that can make me feel "no mercy". To me "again it is just me" it demonstrates shallowness, and ultimately close to the highest level of selfishness. 7. The pain of rejection: I remind myself that in reality, who am I to be hurt in the fact that she doesn't love me anyone more or want to be with me, can't forgive me etc. etc.. After all, hasen't it happened to the best of people. Who am I to think it can't happen to me. If she leaves me, statistically there will be more like me than like I am today, not D'd. Furthermore, it is a myth to believe we "need" someone to validate us. Don't get me wrong, it is wonderful for someone to validate and love you as you are, but as we know, it takes total surrender to make that last.
As for your sit. ndsmhelp: follow your heart, don't ever feel that you should or shouldn't do something based upon people's opinions... follow your heart....
As for me I KNOW.... come Hell or High Water the following statement is more real than life itself and once meditated upon can bring a rush of joy and happiness obtained in no other way:
Love(unconditional) is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. "Love does not demand its own way." Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged! It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. ""Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.""
It is my opinion that when I have moments of loving like this, it doesn't matter what the W does. I can see through the "acts" of defiance. I can love past the hurtful words and with resolve say, " if you want to leave, leave or if you want to try and make it better I am here" as for me I'm going to do my best to Love, Forgive and be free regardless of my circumstance because after all, circumstances will change
I feel sorry for anyone who is going through a situation where a spouse says " i don't want to be married anymore. " When children are involved, it is almost unbareable. However, I know that if each day I purpose to love and forgive I can truely be happy.
I apologize for the for the lack of a better word "ranting", however, buy writing this, it reminds me and encourges me to do the right thing. Afterall, I only have control of what I do and say as well as how I repsond to what is done to me and therein lies the true victory.
Eric This thread has been dead so long, how did you find it?
Sorry you are here. In a way I agree with some of the things you said, but somehow it sounds bitter as it came out of you. One thing that, through all of this, I have never felt is any bitterness towards my wife.
I still blame myself for the situation I am in and know that may not be the best thing to do, but I also know what I put my wife through for a lot of years. It takes two, I know, but other than her not saying anything or protesting enough to really get my attention, I have a very hard time faulting her for anything.
You are right about not being able to control your wife's actions, and it is only now, after almost 4 months, that is finally starting to sink in. I still try in some subtle ways, I think, but my goal now is to back off and see where things go.
For me, it is important to believe that she still loves me and is conflicted about what she really wants. My goal now is to believe that AND let her go at the same time, and continue to show that unconditional love that she never had from me.
You know, everyone says detach, let them go, get better for yourself not your spouse. Ultimately that is best for us and I believe someday it will make me a better person and get me through this....but really think about that for a moment.
In my heart and mind, everything I do, whether it is for me or not, revolves around one thing....having my wife tell me she wants to work on our marriage.
You GAL for yourself for your own well being...and so that your spouse sees you change and become a better person...happier, more rounded.
You detach for your sanity and own well being......and so that your spouse has space to breath, think and hopefully miss you.
You love them unconditionally because you did not before....and you want them to know that when they come back they will have the freedom they did not have before to be themselves, and still have your love.
im on a pda so .... very very well said. yes, I am dealing with bitterness mostly because of my failures which she,if leaves will make not only me pay for but the kids as well.
It is amazing how similar our situation is, that is to say, the pain I've put W through all the years, and now wanting to try and make it up.
My W seems to be confused as well, however, the signal of wanting to D always seems to be stronger. When she acts that way, I start getting depressed and confused, even to the point where I can't work. There is something fundamentally wrong with that.
I've trying to grasp this principle: It is niced to be loved, accepted and forgiven, however, as we know not everyone is capable of doing that. In affect, the way I see it, if my wife is unable to forgive me of my past failures, I question the love that she may or may not of ever had for me.
To me it is black and white, we try and grow together building on any good we had and enjoy the otherside of going through the rough times, or quit and hold to the regrets and negative feelings that have to been clinged to in order to go through a D.
I believe that when someone wants a divorce especially when children are involved ( unless there is unresolved abuse, infidility, or something else that can be hazordous) demostrates at some level "selfishness".
You mention "blame". That is something I'm dealing with as well. I've been councled that I must release "blame". As long as I carry it around in my spirit, it will manifest itself to those around me especially my W. It cripples your ability to be the fun loving, care free happy man your wife married.
I have one secret to share with you. It has helped me when I'm consistant with it. My W has been wanting a D for months now, but at this point she hasn't gone through with it and I believe one big reason is this one seamingly simple principle >>>> "A women never leaves a happy man!".
So be happy, joyful in any circumstance you find yourself in! Don't have serious talks, don't try to reason, don't tell her How much you need Her. If she is really wanting a D., it will just make her lose respect for you.
So Be Happy! Even if she leaves and never gives you the " i need you, and want you again message." you must be happy! After all, what good is it to be any other way.
PS after doing this for several weeks consistantly, my W was thinking that I was leaving, and hugged me and said, I've never been more attrated to you. Since then, I let things slip in get back in my old " try and control the situation mode" and our relationship is slipping again.... therefore I'm going to get focused again, and not critize, complain, grip, try and reason, or beg..... just be happy.
I wish the best for you.... I glad to know someone has a similar situation... perhaps it can turn out good for both of us.
I've trying to grasp this principle: It is niced to be loved, accepted and forgiven, however, as we know not everyone is capable of doing that. In affect, the way I see it, if my wife is unable to forgive me of my past failures, I question the love that she may or may not of ever had for me.
I do not know your whole story, I'm sorry, and I do not know how you treated your wife in your marriage. I have tried to go back and catch up with people that have posted to me, and sometimes it just overwhelms me.
My response to your comment above is based on my situation.
I believe my wife spent many years thinking "It WOULD BE nice to be loved, accepted and forgiven by my husband"....to be loved unconditionally.
That is what I am asking of her now, is it not? To love ME unconditionally, regardless of my past wrongdoings.
I know I have not earned that....yet, but I am working on it.
Quote:
To me it is black and white, we try and grow together building on any good we had and enjoy the otherside of going through the rough times, or quit and hold to the regrets and negative feelings that have to been clinged to in order to go through a D.
To that, once again based on my sitch, I say what if the shoe were on the other foot? If I was fed up, had enough and wanted out? How much would I be willing to bend and work on? What if my wife had been a nagging, insecure control freak? I know one thing, I would not have lasted 19 years.
Quote:
I have one secret to share with you. It has helped me when I'm consistant with it. My W has been wanting a D for months now, but at this point she hasn't gone through with it and I believe one big reason is this one seamingly simple principle >>>> "A women never leaves a happy man!".
So be happy, joyful in any circumstance you find yourself in! Don't have serious talks, don't try to reason, don't tell her How much you need Her. If she is really wanting a D., it will just make her lose respect for you.
So Be Happy! Even if she leaves and never gives you the " i need you, and want you again message." you must be happy! After all, what good is it to be any other way.
PS after doing this for several weeks consistantly, my W was thinking that I was leaving, and hugged me and said, I've never been more attrated to you. Since then, I let things slip in get back in my old " try and control the situation mode" and our relationship is slipping again.... therefore I'm going to get focused again, and not critize, complain, grip, try and reason, or beg..... just be happy.
I wish the best for you.... I glad to know someone has a similar situation... perhaps it can turn out good for both of us
. Ahhh..."the secret"...I had it for a while, and it slipped a bit. Trying very hard this last week or two to figure out exactly what I was doing RIGHT, rather than focusing on what I am doing wrong now. Fumbling a bit lately...especially the last couple of days.
Good to talk to you Eric...let me know if you have a current thread and I will stay in touch as you are right, we seem to have similar sitches. Feel like I need to connect more with the guys that have the live in WAW.
