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#1452504 05/21/08 01:44 AM
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jonzy Offline OP
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Well I finally decided to chime in after reading all the other posts. I am in need of advice for my own situation. I will try to keep it short, but any advice would be great.
Well I am here because me and my wife just recently got seperated. We have been married 8 years this September and been together for 12. We have a S6 and a D15(still trying toget used to these abbreviations). I guess you could saythe problems started a long time ago but I was to blind to the obvious what was happening. In the article WAW it describes me and my wife exactly. I guess I just gave up on trying in the relationship and treated her more like a friend with benefits as she put it. So when she told me on the friday before Easter I was shocked that she was that unhappy. Now that I realize that all the stuff she is talking was true and I see where I went wrong.
Now that I understand that she was not just "nagging" to nag but she was really telling me there were problems and I failed to recognize them. So now I am struggling with how to deal with all of this and to help sae my marriage to the woman who means everything to me. I have started to work on me such as working out, getting out of the house and doing stuff and not being a hermit, and just overall trying to keep busy. I try not to get emotional but I always find myself breaking down and crying everyday, try not to in front of her and the kids but did slip one time and had a total breakdown.
We do communicate everyday as I pick up my son and drop him off. I try not to hang out but she is always asking me if I want to stay and eat something or watch TV with my S. I usually decline and go about my ways. The other problem I have is that she constantly works into all hours of the night, and being how I am a full time student working nights she always wants me to come over to wake her up so she can finish work. This is where it gets confusing, everytime I do come over she tells me to wake her up in 15 minutes but wants me to lay next to her and hold her which I do. And she also wants to continue being intimate bu says it means nothing and to not read into it. I asked her why and she said I am the only guy she wants to be with. She also tells me that her heart just isn't into it anymore and she does not want to put herself back out there for her to be hurt all over again.
I am going to stop here because I have to get ready for work, but if there are any questions I will be glad to help because I need all the help I can get to start saving my marriage.


I am-33
W- 33
Married- 8yrs
T- 12yrs
D15
S6
Seperated 3/23/08(not legally)

"dum vita est, spes est"




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jonzy,

you've found a great place to seek advice and get support. there are many on here who will give you incredible guidance, so keep checking in and asking questions. i don't consider myself one them as I don't post that often, but did want to welcome you & let you know you're in good company.

the best advice that I can give you is to take a deep breath, collect yourself and dive into the book, DB that is. Have you purchased it yet? I can assure you that the more you resist, beg,plead & play the victim, rather than validate your W and give her some space if she needs it the more damage you will be doing.

Look at this as a gift from your wife, an opportunity to improve yourself and your marriage. In your case there seems to be some very positive signs. It doesn't appear as though your W has closed the door completely or reached a point of no return. I think w/some patience on your part, & your willingness to adopt the DB principles that you have a great shot at restoring your M.

I'm at about year 1 of seperation, but I did all of the wrong things when I heard the ILYB... talk and continued to do them for a while after the S. My resistance to the situation created a stronger bond w/the OM she was having an EA with, and that has really complicated things. The sooner you can accept the sitch you're in, accept responsibility for your actions, and again begin to adopt DB principles, the better off you'll be in the long run. I know it seems difficult right now, but trust me, things will get better no matter what happens.

Stay strong and hang in there!


Me: 35
WAW: 34
T: 7.5 yrs
M: 3 yrs (2/14/05)
no kids
ILYB...& EA Bomb 1/5/07
S - 6/15/7
PA started 6/16/07
D Final 10/14/08
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jonzy Offline OP
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I am also trying to figure out if she is having a MLC. Before everything hit he fan she started going out to the bars more often and coming home late. She never use to drive when she was drinking but she started that as well after I pleaded with her tocall me if she needed a ride. Well all of this finally caught up to her on May 5th she was pulled over for DUI. No only a regular DUI but she wa busted with an extreme DUI!!

I told her that no matter what happens between us that I will be there for her to get her through this mess. She then had a breakdown and wanted me to stay the night with her and hold her all night long. I stayed for a while but then had to leave to go to work, but she called me at work and told me to come back over. I get so confused when she does this stuff.


I am-33
W- 33
Married- 8yrs
T- 12yrs
D15
S6
Seperated 3/23/08(not legally)

"dum vita est, spes est"




currentpost: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1508722&page=1#Post1508722






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"I try not to hang out but she is always asking me if I want to stay and eat something or watch TV with my S. I usually decline and go about my ways."

"she always wants me to come over to wake her up so she can finish work. ... but wants me to lay next to her and hold her which I do."

"she said I am the only guy she wants to be with. She also tells me that her heart just isn't into it anymore and she does not want to put herself back out there for her to be hurt all over again."

"She then had a breakdown and wanted me to stay the night with her and hold her all night long. I stayed for a while but then had to leave to go to work, but she called me at work and told me to come back over."

Hi, OK I'm a woman I am very familiar with this kind of behavior on my part. It's very obvious from my perspective that what she wants is for you to fight for her and romance her back into your life. She needs attention but she doesn't want to ask you back because then it will be the same thing and she'll be unhappy. She wants you to make the changes and give her the attention and romance she needs in order to be in the marriage. But at this point she obviously still loves you and wants you.

I would suggest to call her up and ask her out for a date for Saturday night. Figure something to do with the kids if you need a babysitter but this is important, you can get her back and timing is everything. Don't wait on this. Make this your priority.

Maybe do what you did on your first date or the first time you feel in love. Then take her home and walk her to the door. When she invites you in say no but give her a very passionate kiss.

Then call her the next day and make a date for the next weekend. During the week, have a florist send her flowers to her work (not home) so everyone at work sees her get them.

Take it one week at a time with little calls or emails during the day. Make sure you email or call her once a day and say "I love you" to her once a day.

And keep this routine (calls, I love yous and date nights) consistent and a part of your life when you get back together.

Good luck, let us know what happens, I have a good feeling about you two.

Tink


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jonzy Offline OP
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Well I did ask her to go out with me nexsturday as she already has plans for this weekend. I asked her if she wanted to go see a movie and maybe get something to eat afterwards. We then kidded around about who was going to pay and then she said since we both love working on computers and mine needs fixed she said maybe we will do that instead! She will let me know by wednesday what she wants to do:)

As for the I love you's and such doesn't that seem like it would be to much right now? I want to take things slowly and show her that I am sincere about the changes I am making for me, and the I love you's seem like that would be a bit pushy...but I have been wrong before. Although "if" we do have this date I will send the flowers to work for her to say thanks for th evening.

Will keep updating and thanks for the advice tink!!


I am-33
W- 33
Married- 8yrs
T- 12yrs
D15
S6
Seperated 3/23/08(not legally)

"dum vita est, spes est"




currentpost: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1508722&page=1#Post1508722






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Hi it sounds good and you're right if it feels too pushy, wait for I love you's and stuff after the date.

But it sounds like she has some problems with receiving gifts...allowing you to treat her on a romantic date and she's taking control and turning it into her doing tech work for you.

The irony is her problem with the relationship is she wants to receive more attention but maybe she feels she doesn't deserve it.

Tink


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jonzy Offline OP
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I think I am going to tell her I already fixed my computer and say we should just catch a movie. I will see her in about an hour from now so will run it by her.

I don't think that she is taking control and turning it into her doing tech work because it is something we both do as a hobby, but you could be right that maybe she does not want anything romantic??


I am-33
W- 33
Married- 8yrs
T- 12yrs
D15
S6
Seperated 3/23/08(not legally)

"dum vita est, spes est"




currentpost: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1508722&page=1#Post1508722






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Hi no I think she really does want something romantic but a lot of women have difficulty allowing themselves to receive and then do something like she did, taking a wonderfully romantic gesture and trying to make it where she is doing for you instead.

I think that's good, I hope you do keep it as the movie and have a great time! (let me know what happens!)

Tink


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jonzy Offline OP
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Well we are on for the movie and dinner:) She stopped over at my place on her way home from the mall which is a long way out of her way, to see my son who I said was sleeping. She still insisted she wanted to see m so I said come on over. She stayed for about an hour and we just talked about everyday life.

I am trying my best at using all the advice I read from other posters and not talking about "us", situation, and I give her lots of room by not calling or texting to much unless its about our kids. I think and hope it is working. I started writing a journal the other day where I can let my feelings out on paper instead of to my wife.

I hope the "date" goes well because I feel like I am back in high school again and am asking the prettiest girl to go to prom with me \:\)

Again tink TY for your input here, its nice that someone is out there to talk to!!


I am-33
W- 33
Married- 8yrs
T- 12yrs
D15
S6
Seperated 3/23/08(not legally)

"dum vita est, spes est"




currentpost: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1508722&page=1#Post1508722






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Hi Jonzy,

You're welcome!

"I hope the "date" goes well because I feel like I am back in high school again and am asking the prettiest girl to go to prom with me"

That is great and that is the mentality to go with. Just keep it a romantic date and don't bring the R up at all. Just have fun.

...We should also have a plan of what to do/say in case she bring the R up. What do you think?

Tink


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