I was here when I went through my D 3 yrs ago. I am back because my relationship (2yrs) after my D has not worked out and I find I am going down the "wrong things to do" path again.
It's so difficult to go NC. So I wanted to post here. No, I am not doing well with this. It actually hurts more than my marraige.
Dear B,
You break my heart. More than anyone I have ever loved. It’s been seven months and yet not a day goes bye that I don’t think of you. That I don’t fight to not contact you. My heart just can’t let go. You meant so much to me.
I still respond to fire calls and have you and the girls on my mind. And it tears me apart knowing I can’t call you. Or when I save a life or something good happens, I can’t share those moments with you. Just to hear your voice after calls made me feel special. I didn’t get that from Linda. I don’t get it from the people I see now.
I didn’t want to lose you. I just wanted to provide for us and I know I let it get in the way of how I felt about you. I know the things I would have done with you and for you if I hadn’t been tired, frustrated, and preoccupied. I know you would not have felt whatever it is you felt.
So sorry you are having to go through this again. I don't think there is an easy answer even for a second time through it. I have looked at it from all the perspectives I can think of and I believe the only solution is you have to go through the pain again and just live for a while one minute, one breath, one hour and one day at a time.
Hugs and good thoughts to you.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Another hard morning. The meds I am on for depression really don't seem to be working.
The urge to call is strong again today. Have to get out of here. I try not to spend time at home. Keep busy with my friends when I can but I don't think I have laughed in 7 months. It's tough too because firefighters are some of the best humored people you will meet.
Been dating but she is not the "one". I have been honest with her about my feelings but she still likes to go out.
Joined an online dating site about 5 months ago. Been out with 3 but the chemistry just isn't there.
Just trying to hang on right now. I do not believe no contact is going to work. Swallowing that reality pill. Seems to have been caught in my throat.
Made second attack nozzle at the fire. Assigned to the attic. You can never see in a house fire. The smoke is just too thick. When that happens, it seems I get a slide show in my mind of B and the girls. It can actually be comforting as you make your way to the fire.
But when I get back, I have such a strong desire to call her. I try to think of other things while we put the trucks back together but it always seems to go back to B and the girls.
It really puts my stomach in nots when that happens. 7 months and I still love her so much.
I am doing the things I am suppose to to let go. going out with friends. Still palying pool on two teams. trying not to stay home. Dating. Getting laid. Counseling and meds yet nothing is helping me release my feelings.
Been dating but she is not the "one". I have been honest with her about my feelings but she still likes to go out.
Joined an online dating site about 5 months ago. Been out with 3 but the chemistry just isn't there.
Why are you using these women as a distraction? Is that fair for them?
The pain of a broken heart sucks. Sorry you are going thru it. But maybe you just go thru it on your own for now. One of these girls may end up really liking you, and you are only taking them out, and sleeping with them, for your own distraction.
They can be hurt too.
I dunno just me.
and NC is for you. Not to get a reaction from them.
You sound like you are typing a mile a minute.
Deep breaths. Take it one moment at a time.
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
I have been open and honest with these girls (only one sexually) I didn't initiate the sex. Even said I wasn't ready. She is aware we are "just dating" and she has her own gap to fill. But I am not leading her on.
I know NC is for me. But the pain isn't going away. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and for me it feels like quiting smoking. Still get the craving yrs later.
7 months is a long time to not truly smile and laugh. I think I am overly sensitive for a man but only when it comes to my relationships.
I can deal with human tradgedy and hold it together just fine. But this, this is killing me.
This is hard for everybody, especially "doers." But IMO sometimes this frenetic activity and seeking new Rs is just a way to try to avoid the fact that sometimes in life we hurt. And we can learn something from it but only if we slow down and experience it!
Maybe you didn't have enough time to truly focus on you and your own growth between your D and this new LT R. So maybe life is telling your something.
Then maybe it is getting late and I'm full of it.
Either way I'm sorry you are hurting and I so agree with Lissie, now may not be the time for casual Rs.
