The anger your daughter is expressing right now is extreamly normal.Your going to have to set your feeling aside right now.It is her way of seperating her childhood bond with you.And trying to find her adult bond with you.Sometimes the bond between a mother and daughter is so strong that the child will have mixed feeling about moving.she is afraid to leave you.But feels it is the right thing for her at this moment.Remember back to when you were a young woman did you feel this way towards your mother.Even if you never acted out your anger?
Believe it or not this is a good thing.You only have a few short years of being her childhood mother.But you could have up to four times that long to be her mother as an adult.
Like it or not she is an adult.I know i hate it.Mine all did this in one form or another.But now that they are out on their own we have a really good relationship.Also remember it is hard to two grown woman to live in a house together.
I know this is hard but I'm sure you will figure out your relationship with her.Just treat her like the adult she see's herself as.I know she is your baby.But she doesn't see it that way.I hated this when D21 went through this.But it is working out.We get along so much better now that we see each other when we want.
Later Friend Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
B&B: Thanks for your input. In fact, everyone who has written today has had very helpful thoughts for me. I am listening and taking notes. I had a long time to think since I was in the car about 3 or 4 hours.
If she goes - she will learn about a different lifestyle. One where you can't take 15 min showers, take over all the cupboards in the kitchen or spend $100 a week on groceries for one person. She will likely have to juggle driveway space, have no dresser for her clothes and not near enough $. Yep - she needs to learn how the other half lives.
I know that Ryan is not her responsibility. She has helped out but always been paid for it in the form of her car insurance/car expenses. It is a good deal. She is the only one in her peer group with a car. But I know its not a forever deal. But she did kind of spring it on me when I was counting on her. Yes - I did get hit with a lot of things at once.
She called me while I was visiting my friend in the hospital to ask when I would be home and if I needed her to watch Ryan. I told her I'd be home in time for the nurse. But she was here when I got home. She also had brought me flowers. She works in a garden center and this was the first arrangement she had done. It was potted daisies in yellow cello in a seafoam green old fashioned can. I just redecorated my room in those colours yesterday. Very thoughtful. She placed them beside my bed. I thanked her and hugged her and never mentioned anything.
She waited until Josh called then said she was going out. She said she would call by 11 if she wouldn't be home tonight. I said "OK" and that was that.
I'm ok with it I guess. Well, less than ok, but resigned might be a better description. I just feel drained. I feel like I have had so much drama in my life and it never seems to end. Either my friends or my family. ENOUGH! I want a break. Boring is good.
I'm ok with it I guess. Well, less than ok, but resigned might be a better description. I just feel drained. I feel like I have had so much drama in my life and it never seems to end. Either my friends or my family. ENOUGH! I want a break. Boring is good.
Barb
Well I haven't experienced this young adult challenge yet, but you have received wonderful thoughtful advice here. I'm not sure we ever have as much control over our children as we'd like to think, and the fact that she has been honest with you, and kind and considerate (eventually!) speaks awfully well for the whole family.
The only thing I know in situations like this is to remember that acceptance is healthy and really the only choice, but it doesn't have to imply approval. My guess is that eventually S15 will do many things that I am afraid of, or don't approve of, but I'm going to have to accept if I want to keep our relationship whole and the lines of communication open. Just speculation.
Big hugs to you sweetie, I think scary issues with kids are always the most draining.
She is helpful today, preparing to go to work but first went and got us groceries. I have to remember that she is an intelligent, young woman who has always made mostly good choices. I love her and want the best for her and it is frustrating.
Today is sunny and I just ran several errands. I felt like smiling and everyone was in a good mood everywhere I went. I like days like this!
Just wait. I am sure she will have a new found respect for you and all that you do for her. It's all good Barb. Maybe these are just life lessons that she has yet to learn. In all fairness to Ash these are thing we don't understand until we don't have them anymore!
I'm just going to wait and see how it goes. This is a stressful week in our house with Dance Recital on Friday, Dress Rehearsal on Wednesday. 2 biggest days of the year in the studio (you know how that is). As we are both teachers and she is dancing - best not to create more friction. When dance is done, I'll see how she plans to proceed and not get in her way.
Just paying a flying visit to the BB and wanted to drop by and deliver a hug!
((((((((((((Barb)))))))))))
You are a great Mum, but your D is an adult and needs her head. You have done all the groundwork for a great relationship with her in the future, but her life is hers to lead now, and she needs to make decisions for herself. There is every chance that once she is out of the house your relationship will improve - mine did whenever I didn't live in my mother's (small) flat. As a young adult there were times I lived with her on and off and they were OK, but sometimes fraught. I bet you will eat more meals together after she moves out. For instance, it would be a nice thing to set up a regular arrangement, like she comes over to sit down and eat Thursday dinner with you. And you meet up once a week for lunch out somewhere. Forgive me if I am culturally way off the mark!
I think you are very well placed to see the silver lining in every situation Barb. I have full confidence in that!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I appreciate your input, L&L. Things have settled down and it hasn't been mentioned again, yet. I did email her and my sister to see who is available to help at night with Ryan and she seemed to be pretty much ready to help. So I won't challenge.
Interesting notes, though...
I really loved her ex boyfriend. They were high school sweethearts and he is a gem. I love his family too. Miss him. Josh does too. My friends have mentioned this as well. New BF is not personable at all. Nurses have noticed. He doesn't even acknowledge the rest of us in the house. Yes, he may be shy, but its just not so comfortable. So - no - I don't DISLIKE her BF but I did like her other one so much more.
Her ex BF came to see me last week. He had a new GF for a little while (not for at least 6 months after they split) and he has now broken up with new GF (too clingy and jealous he said). But he has missed us. Is going away to work for the summer.
Yesterday Ash said to me "I can't figure out why I can never remember C (Ex BF)'s house number. I've already got his new cel # memorized. Hmmmm...
Had an opportunity to hang out in a group with Ex BF last week but her BF discouraged it. He is jealous. Hmmm....
Mentioned hanging out with ex BF and his group this w/e since he'll be leaving to go away. Hmmm...
I mentioned having a free airline ticket and wondered how I'd use it. She asked if she could have it to attend a mutual friend's wedding in Chicago. I asked who would be going. She said he only invited 5 people - herself and ex BF among them - not new BF. I really doubt ex BF would go but it made me wonder. Hmmmm....
Anyway, whatever is going on - she is oblivious to it. Sometimes even when you get hit over the head with it you still don't see it.
She has agreed to go to the movies with me this afternoon to see "Maid of Honour". I really wanted to see it, her less so. I just wonder if that might make her think.
Josh has his fingers crossed on this one and so does my best friend and her husband. I think if anything happens - its still a couple of months away. And who knows - maybe ex BF will hook up with someone new while he is away and the chance will be lost. Hmmmm....
Only comment I have is you'll love that movie!!! One thing in the movie that may give Ash something to think about is that the bride is always comparing her fiance to her best friend (patrick dempsey). Hmmmm......
I did love it. Totally my kind of movie. Didn't think it would be Josh's cup of tea. And yep - that's what I had been thinking too.
Ash has casually mentioned a "road trip" with a girlfriend in August. I hadn't thought much about it. Just clicked. It is in the general direction of where Ex BF will be working. Hmmm... I think it is too far to drive but then - Geography wasn't really one of her strong points.
One more thing. I mentioned to her that her cousin was going to work out west this summer and she said how much she would like to do that. (just like ex BF). Just - that it wouldn't work since her BF lives here. Hmmmm....
Anyway, everyone should see the movie. It's a cute l'il chickflick.
