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Re: Still Working on Us [Re: hopeforfuture] #1451339
05/20/08 11:01 AM
05/20/08 11:01 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 521
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thegoodfight Offline
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Yes the unfortunate side effect of the support group is they don't want to see us hurt anymore! Which usually means they want us to move on, or they are mean to the person because they feel like they are defending us! Good intentions, bad results!

Perhaps as time passes she will learn from her decisions, I doubt she has yet to feel the effects though. Since she seems to be rapped in a fairy tale of some sort.


Married:10 years
D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took
Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
Re: Still Working on Us [Re: hopeforfuture] #1452160
05/20/08 08:35 PM
05/20/08 08:35 PM
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 56
New Jersey
M
Mom of 2 Cherubs Offline
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Mom of 2 Cherubs  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 56
New Jersey
my response also got very long......

i've been away for awhile, not sure why i checked back to see what was going on, i guess it is because of the even tthat took place this weekend.

i have been distant, i wanted distance to truly feel what it would be like without you. It's been an adjustment to not have someone there with me to talk to, or bounce ideas off of, to help with the dishes, to chat with on the couch at night. It's been hard to answer the kids questions of when will you come home, or when will you and decide if you can work things out.

I miss the house and all the decorating we've done, i miss the little luxuries we have there. i miss the seemingly perfect family situation. but for me that perfect family situation always seemed tainted somehow. tainted by me - absolutely - but tainted none-the-less. tainted becasue there was this uneasiness inside of me, this missing something.

When i think of going back i try to imagine if i would be happy and run into your arms, would i go cautiously afraid of the same feelings coming back and then i would break hearts again when the same feelings surface. I am afraid of not finding that connection that i'm looking for, but i also think that if i don't look i will never find it.

yes i was offended when you told me that i am not welcome at the new restaurant. and that you took Kate there. i feel guilty for what i've done to you, and the hurt that i have caused others. I am sensitive that way. I hate when people dislike me - yes, its my low self esteem. something i'm trying to work hard on but can't seem to do it. So while i deserve their resentment it hurts a lot.

i think i haven't felt accepted by your family because your family is just different in the way they express their emotions and because they are so far away. We just dont' spend as much time with them due to miles between us or busy schedules. So i have never really felt close to them. Your mom has been wonderful to me through it all and i appreciate that.

As for my fairy tale of a loving relationship - you have said exactly the same things to me in the past. You want to be that old couple sitting on a bench or the porch swing, holding hands reminiscing about their long life together. maybe you didn't specifically say that you would die right after me because we can't live without each other, but you want that same fairy tale. Don't make me the bad guy for wanting the same thing just because i don't know that it is with you that i will find it.

i know that the feelings of first loving some one are fleeting, true love is deep and comes with time. i understand that. and if that had happened for me, was happenin gfor me, then i wouldn't have left. I wouldn't have cheated twice. i don't just throw in the towel when things get rough. I've worked through a lot in my life and I need to work on figuring out me and what it is that i want - while looking out for the kids as best i can as well. hence the parenting binder - so we are both on the same page and we don't miss their stuff.

I know i don't always remember to tell you things, if it's in that book we are both responsible to read it and know. i didn't and will not move out of town - because of the kids and their stability. i do make my decisions with them in mind.

i know you feel like i misled you with regard to my reasoning for moving out. i hate to admit that i did but not with the intention of hurting you. i was trying to figure out a way to make it an easier transition and not so final. i now tbelieve i know how i want this to all turn out, but i am afraid of just doing it. i am afraid that no reason will be "ok" with you. i know there will never be an ok reason for D in your eyes. You had said you could accept it if it was truly something i wanted, but couldn't accept it at the time because of the OG. I don't know if you really could accept or if i should expect you to.

we need to talk about this in person. I know i've avoided talking to you, but this is exactly why.


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,rather by the moments that take our breath away.
M38,H40
M14
K D11 S8
D - June 09
Re: Still Working on Us [Re: Mom of 2 Cherubs] #1452240
05/20/08 09:36 PM
05/20/08 09:36 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 380
NJ
H
hopeforfuture Offline OP
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hopeforfuture  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 380
NJ
Ughhh

Originally Posted By: Mom of 2 Cherubs
I am afraid of not finding that connection that i'm looking for, but i also think that if i don't look i will never find it.

.......

As for my fairy tale of a loving relationship - you have said exactly the same things to me in the past. You want to be that old couple sitting on a bench or the porch swing, holding hands reminiscing about their long life together. maybe you didn't specifically say that you would die right after me because we can't live without each other, but you want that same fairy tale. Don't make me the bad guy for wanting the same thing just because i don't know that it is with you that i will find it.

i know that the feelings of first loving some one are fleeting, true love is deep and comes with time. i understand that. and if that had happened for me, was happenin gfor me, then i wouldn't have left. I wouldn't have cheated twice. i don't just throw in the towel when things get rough. I've worked through a lot in my life and I need to work on figuring out me and what it is that i want


This is where we always seem to disagree. I don't believe that this connection is something you 'find'. It is something you create and nurture. Of course you're not going to create it when there is no initial attraction, there needs to be that initial spark. Something to build off of.

We had that. We had / have the foundation, but I digress. We've discussed this before and we just don't seem to see it the same way. Maybe it is me that is living in the fairy tale when I keep trying to hold onto something so broken.

Quote:

i know you feel like i misled you with regard to my reasoning for moving out. i hate to admit that i did but not with the intention of hurting you. i was trying to figure out a way to make it an easier transition and not so final.


Unfortunately, there's been a series of hurts. Never with intention. I've been realizing over the past couple of weeks, that you had no intention of working on us and feel as though I've have been too trusting.


M39
W37
M14
K 10 8
Bomb 7/07
S 4/08
D 6/09

1st
2nd
Re: Still Working on Us [Re: hopeforfuture] #1452256
05/20/08 09:44 PM
05/20/08 09:44 PM
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 3,337
London UK
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One Day Offline
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One Day  Offline
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London UK
Oh, HFF. I always read your thread but don't often post. I just wanted to say that I really feel for you and am so sorry to see this turn of events in your sitch.

((((hugs))))

L.

Re: Still Working on Us [Re: One Day] #1452281
05/20/08 09:53 PM
05/20/08 09:53 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,350
Tampa, FL
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Sara Offline
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Sara  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,350
Tampa, FL
I've known people who find it exciting to have sex in public. I've never before known anyone who enjoyed telling her husband she is leaving him in public. This is a first for me, maybe not the website.

Re: Still Working on Us [Re: Sara] #1452435
05/21/08 12:33 AM
05/21/08 12:33 AM
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 5,666
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Yoyowife Offline
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Yoyowife  Offline
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Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 5,666
HFF,
I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. It's obvious that your family means the world to you. You will never regret fighting for your children's future...




Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.
-- Bernice Johnson Reagon


Re: Still Working on Us [Re: Mom of 2 Cherubs] #1452518
05/21/08 01:55 AM
05/21/08 01:55 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 380
NJ
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hopeforfuture Offline OP
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hopeforfuture  Offline OP
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Posts: 380
NJ
Originally Posted By: Mom of 2 Cherubs
i now tbelieve i know how i want this to all turn out, but i am afraid of just doing it. i am afraid that no reason will be "ok" with you. i know there will never be an ok reason for D in your eyes. You had said you could accept it if it was truly something i wanted, but couldn't accept it at the time because of the OG. I don't know if you really could accept or if i should expect you to.


I do believe there are reasons for divorce. If we argued, screamed and yelled constantly. If we really didn't get along at all. If one of us were physically or emotionally abusive to each other or the kids. Dependancy on drugs or alcohol. These things I could understand as reasons for divorce. I look at so many other married couples and see much less positives. Not that I want to settle for something substandard, but I see much more good than bad.

If it were something concrete I point out and say "That is the terrible thing about our marriage that can't be fixed" I would feel better. But it is some feeling or an ideal. A suspicion that there is something better out there...

So as this relates to the OG - I am still bitter. And suspicious. And believe that whatever happened there still weighs heavily on your mind and in your heart. I still don't think the break from him and time spent on us was long enough. I still don't think that there was enough distance. I don't think we gave it enough time. I don't think you really let go. I read much more that I really should have seen. Too much crap that is burned into my brain that i will not forget. If these memories still haunt me, I can only imagine that you still feel the emotions.


M39
W37
M14
K 10 8
Bomb 7/07
S 4/08
D 6/09

1st
2nd
Re: Still Working on Us [Re: seekpeaceofmind] #1452530
05/21/08 02:06 AM
05/21/08 02:06 AM
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 457
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No_More_Dodo Offline
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Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 457
Originally Posted By: seekpeaceofmind
A friend loaned me a book that I haven't read yet - the title is A Year by the Sea: Thoughts of an Unfinished Woman by Joan Anderson. As a writer, she was able to retreat to Cape Cod and the experience was a time of growth for them as people and healing for their M. A lot of us with 9-5 jobs can't go live on an island for a long time, but if there was a way to take "time out" without guilt or pressure I think it would help a lot of Ms.


seekpeaceofmind,

That may be okay in the "ideal and innocent" situation. One could probably grow and learn a lot. However, I think the vast majority of those people want to date and screw around. To me, that is totally unacceptable.

Take Care,

NMD


"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
Re: Still Working on Us [Re: Sara] #1452535
05/21/08 02:15 AM
05/21/08 02:15 AM
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 457
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No_More_Dodo Offline
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No_More_Dodo  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 457
Originally Posted By: Sara
Yes, she seems to cling to unrealistic fantasies. Why on earth would you be inseparable in your 80's when you are so easily separable now. Chances aren't good. Maybe she thinks you believe fantasies, and if she keeps feeding them to you, you won't even notice reality. She reminds of GH31's wife. You hold still and wait for me, I'll be back when I'm 79.


Sara,

I cannot believe anyone thinks this way. Do these women realize the stats? By the time they are in their "Golden Years" there are a lot more women than men. Why would ANYONE who can easily pick and choose select a woman who left him? If I were in that sitch, I would be looking for a good woman. I would certainly hope there are better women than my exW. If not, celibacy seems like a very attractive option.

Take Care,

NMD


"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
Re: Still Working on Us [Re: No_More_Dodo] #1452547
05/21/08 02:34 AM
05/21/08 02:34 AM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,350
Tampa, FL
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Sara Offline
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Sara  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,350
Tampa, FL
NMD,

I was being facetious. Of course no one would wait til old age and then get back with the XW. That was my point. The old people, I assume, have been together for most of their lives. And like a gnarly old oak, there is beauty from the weathering of the trials that they have been through together. But the truth is few young married people today will ever be the old couple sitting together on the bench. They will have run off and be sitting with new partners. Of course, when they are old, and if they sit next to each other, will we know the newly marrieds from the old marrieds?

Last edited by Sara; 05/21/08 02:35 AM.
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