WAW...now LBS part III

[jaw3149]

HiC -

Your last post makes me smile. I would love to hear that from my WAW. For my W to say, "I realize how hurtful all this was to you and I am so ashamed of my behavior. I am so sorry and hope that you can forgive me." I can see myself just grabbing her, hugging her as she cries, and me telling her that all is forgiven. Someday, I just know it, we will all get to this point. No matter what, we have to envision this and make it so. Keep at it HiC, you can do this. One day at a time...

[HOPEFULinCALI]

HiC -

Your last post makes me smile. I would love to hear that from my WAW. For my W to say, "I realize how hurtful all this was to you and I am so ashamed of my behavior. I am so sorry and hope that you can forgive me."

I really hope this for you. If she is anything like I was she really doesn't know how badly she is hurting you, but nevertheless she is, there is no excuse and I apologize for that. I just want to shake her and others like her. I am sorry to have once been part of that group and that you have to go through this. Thanks again for your support.

[jmw128]

Not sure mine holds that shameful/apologetic/hurtful remorse...but time will tell...I did well last night, maybe to well...

gl2uall

[jmw128]

posted it in journal...gl2u

[HOPEFULinCALI]

The latest,

I spoke with H on Saturday after a brief conversation two days before at which time he asked me to watch the dog while he went out of town with his "girl friend" and several ship buddies and their wives/girlfriends. I told him during this conversation that I had my weekend planned, but if anything changed I would let him know. Again he asked me to pay a bill.

Saturday- I let him know that I could not watch her. I spent the rest of the night avoiding confrontation as he told me
1. I should not have gone out of town without calling him about the weekend.
2. To call my sisters and Mom to watch the dog.
3. He was going to leave our little yorkie for TWO days (with only a bowl of dry food, stale water and no way to use the restroom or get exercise) unless I figured it out.

I told him I would if I could but I couldn't. I suppose he hasn't heard of pet hotels, but I couldn't tell him or then I would be sending him some crazy message that he was unintelligent or something equally crazy.

Tues- Called him to talk about everyday matters. How was the weekend, anything new, how was vegas, is the dog still alive (I tried to make a joke of the sitch and asked if she had chewed off her leg blah blah blah (thx jmw).
He told me that he had duty on Saturday but no watch and that maybe we could have dinner sometime soon. I agreed and told him that I would see him soon.

Today- I spoke with my DB coach. We identified his possible motives as control and revenge. The plan is to eliminate his need to control the sitch and create a power struggle. I am going to do this by letting him know that "I get it" thus giving him one less reason to continue with the actions that are meant to show me that he is controlling the sitch and that he is done with our relationship. I also need to take more responsibility for my part of the bills to maitain my vested interest in the home.

I am on to plan a talk for the weekend that shows him I get it.

[jaw3149]

Wow, I am pretty sure my W has a "boyfriend". It drives me insane. It hurts me so much that after 7 years of marriage and 2 children she can jump into another relationship so fast. How do you keep on keeping on HiC?

I am impressed and would love to draw upon your strength! I honestly don't know if I can forgive her for what she is doing.

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Wow, I am pretty sure my W has a "boyfriend". It drives me insane. It hurts me so much that after 7 years of marriage and 2 children she can jump into another relationship so fast. How do you keep on keeping on HiC?

I am impressed and would love to draw upon your strength! I honestly don't know if I can forgive her for what she is doing.

Thank you, but I will tell you a secret. You have that same strength. Believe me I had a lot of dark days at the start and I do from time to time. When I have those days there are a few things I do:
1. Detach.
2. Sep. my H as person from his actions (He isn't himself right now and I have the perspective of having been a WAW so I am able to understand what he is going through a bit better).
3. Remind myself of my goals and the marriage I am fighting for (Not the marriage we had, that marriage is dead and buried, but the marriage we can have. The marriage that is more loving and respectful than our marriage was previously even at it's best).
4. Journal and ask for advice here.
5. Call my DB coach. She is amazing at turning my frustration into solutions.

Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. I spent years holding on to grudges and it affected me in ways I never recognized until now and most importantly it affected my marriage. Regardless of how things turn out I try everyday to forgive my H, for myself, and I encourage you to do the same. If you want your M to move forward forgiveness is a have to not should do.

Hang in there. I know you CAN do this

[jmw128]

Hang in there. I know you CAN do this

I know I can also, however, with her zipping to the D line, I just don't see how things will ever ever be.

Forgiveness will make you feel much differently about things. Like a peace - simply letting go of the anger, bitterness, and then honestly ask the Lord to forgive whatever they have done and furthermore, whatever you have done. I can honestly say I've never gotten angry over what my W has done to me. Just hurt. Daggers of pain in my back. But never irate angry. But it's the same...I have to forgive her, otherwise I'll never move forward w/ or w/o her. And that's the point, you have to move past it.

And as a warning, this legal junk, will muck your mind up. I really do love my W. But she is just off her rocker right now. And so, you do contrary to what you in your heart of hearts want to do. I've contemplated calling my MIL right before mine would get the mammoth surprise just to tell her, "just wanted you to know, that I am sorry for what has and what is about to happen, and that I love and will always will love your daughter, I just have no choice."

blah blah...your DB coach is great btw HiC...I hope I have a dollar to speak with her once this month. I could really use the input. I suppose that's what I get for burning 3 DB coaching in 2 week time, b/c of fault stuff. So, I just do as she told me then and use my much clearer instincts...

gl2u

[jaw3149]

HiC -

So true. I am fighting for the marriage I want, not the marriage I had. I am fighting for the woman I fell in love with, not the woman I see now. If I was faced with the choice of having my old marriage, it would be hard for me say no; but I would. If my wife wanted back and to take her as she is right now, I would say no. Both would be hard; but I want a new wonderful marriage and someone else who will make it their priority after God.

I will continue to give this everything I got. Until then, I expect you to do the same. I BELIEVE in you HiC. You can do this, if I can. I am sending you lots of godly love your way. Take care beautiful! (Just a compliment to let you know how much your PMA means to me!)

[HOPEFULinCALI]

I will continue to give this everything I got. Until then, I expect you to do the same. I BELIEVE in you HiC. You can do this, if I can. I am sending you lots of godly love your way. Take care beautiful! (Just a compliment to let you know how much your PMA means to me!)

I have seen a change in your PMA and I am happy to see you get there. It really does give you/us all more staying power when we have a PMA although I admit I have had some occasional thoughts about the fact that I am not getting any younger and I am ready to settle down and start a family. As painful as this experience has been for me a lot of good has come out of it. I have learned a tremendous amount about myself and relationships. I do not think I would have learned it any other way and these are the lessons that the Lord has for me. You are in my prayers. Keep it up. Thank you for your support. Your PMA means more than I can express.