I have spent the past year basically on PAUSE. Emotionally anyway. H started his A last April even though I didn't suspect it until late May. It was five months yesterday since I found him in the motel with OW.
We did counseling but how could it help us progress when he was lying and still with HER. It couldn't. Then he moved 2 1/2 hours away.
Now that I have told him I am moving forward, making plans to tell our S--he brings me wine. He says ILY. He calls me. He says he "doesn't want to do this". But when I asked a few days ago what other option he proposed if he didn't want to do this, he said "I don't know".
I was upset this morning. H called last night to talk to the kids briefly. We were having a storm. I asked him to call me back later, I wanted to talk to him. He said he would call in 30 min. He never called. His mom called me at 10 to see if I had heard from him he hadn't come home.
This morning he finally called and said he was at the hospital until late. His back was killing him (it has been for a while). Poor him, poor him, yada yada yada
He texted 10 min later today, "I know you are tired but you know...I am tired too Some my fault Some just life Either way I too am just hanging on"
WTF does that mean. Just hanging on to what? He doesn't want to hang on to me......
I just cannot do this anymore. I just can't. I don't want to devastate my son and confuse my daughter. But I am crying on the way to work again today and I just can't keep that up either. I think it is manipulative/screwy to say I love you, I don't want to do this, but then not do anything else, either.
When he comes tonight I want to tell him that we need to tell S THIS weekend. Because this whole thing is just getting way too hard for me. I don't want to go to the wedding I think I am too screwed up emotionally to be there....
I know there is nothing you guys can do to fix this, I just wanted you to know what my head is like today. Mush. If I don't post this weekend, don't worry, I may or may not stick around the house once H and I sort things out. You guys tell me we have way too many R talks. You are right. So I want to just get the last one over with.
Bring on the 2x4s but while you are at it can you tell me how to keep from feeling like I can't breathe and I am losing the life I always wanted?
you read my discussion. I would be a lying b*&ch to tell you I think you should do the same. You are not in the same situation. Please, hold on to the last little crumbs of patience and self control, I know you have and do not proceed the way I did. you have to be much more "mature" and ready to go on like this. You are not!! (do not get mad at me, you aren't, yet).
Listen to me! They say misery likes company but I don't want to have your company right now. You are a step back. Find the strength. Please, I am feeling this is not the right time for you. One week, wait just one week...
You guys tell me we have way too many R talks. You are right. So I want to just get the last one over with.
Maybe you should have the "last one". So many think that walking on eggshells and kissing butt is DBing. It isn't. There is not a thing in that book that says you can't make a stand. To summarize the entire book into one short sentence, it's "DO WHAT WORKS!" You started finding your happy and moving forward, and what does he do? He throws a bone your way..."I love you. I don't want to do this." So, did it work? Yes, it worked, but you expected way too much too soon.
So, it's up to you. Tell him you are done or just let your actions show you are done...either way, I think it will send the message that if he wants you, he's going to have to put his money where his mouth is. Just don't expect it to happen all in one fell swoop. And don't take a step his way until his actions tell you he's not just feeding you a line to have a back-up plan.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thanks you guys for the feedback. I agree that in my heart,it is clear to me that there is still hope for us. I KNOW he is confused, but he is not cold and distant like he was in Dec/Jan.
But it is like what our counselor told us, we are in two different places. Since "the bomb" I have progressed in my understanding of our relationship, what I want, what I need, where I failed, what I would do differently, etc. I have read half a dozen books on M relationships. She said it is like I went from a 5 to a 70. I am not "there" yet, but I am covering a lot of ground. H is more like he went from a 2 to a 20. He openly admitted in MC that he wasn't getting anywhere......of course he was with OW too which could have hampered things. He says thats over for a month now but how do I know???
My specific questions are: 1)How do I deal with the fact that he knows he doesn't want to do this but doesn't know what TO do? I need a MAN, to hug, to kiss, to ML, to talk to about life, to support and have support me, etc. I have spent a year without this and I am TIRED!! I want to tell him I am getting mixed messages and ask for clarification but don't know if I should. I don't get sitting in la-la land. If he doesn't want to get a D, if he doesn't want to lose me, then I need SOMETHING to start getting better, ASAP! The patience train has jumped the tracks here....
2)The 180 that got me results was telling him that I was done doing all the work, that I was prepared/making plans to tell our S that it was over. I was very confident last weekend with H and in a positive mood most of the time. Friendly, but I know I should do the same this weekend but I FEEL LIKE CRAP! I am not weepy any more, just feel empty inside. Should I try to fake it and act like I did last weekend?
I am just frustrated at the thought that, even if I put telling him off a month, we are going to break my S's heart for (maybe) no reason. If H thinks he will slowly, slowly work his way back to me, at this rate/pace it is just impossible that we would be together when I move to his town in 6 weeks. So even if we are "trying", we would still have to explain to S that we will be living apart......grr
I know I am incredibly impatient in your eyes. But I have tried, tried, tried to wait and work for the past almost-year. And I don't understand how you can tell your wife you don't want to get divorced but you can't make forward progress either. What is that? And how the F*(K long am I supposed to wait?
I am re-thinking pushing him, that won't probably work. But I don't want him to think he can "hang out" indefinitely in "I don't want this, but I don't know" land either.
FYI, my son will get his tubes May 1, along with losing his adenoids. Also, our friend Erin was taken off the ventilator and moved to her own room, out of ICU, yesterday.
I am rethinking the whole thing w/H, I don't mean to make light of the term "bi-polar" but these days I have some MAJOR mood swings......sometimes it feels like all this emotion/tension is inside me and if I don't let it out I will explode! Any way, currently I feel like just being me, no expectations, go about my business, like last week. The only problem I see with that theory is that we fall into a "nice" pattern of being "polite" to each other, but not growing closer together. The plus is we aren't farther apart either, but I want to be GOING somewhere with this. Anyway I am still undecided but not as hopeless as before...
Guess I haven't "screwed the pooch" quite yet, I always think I have! H called a few minutes ago. I was in class but called him back. He was looking for a phone number for a guy re. hay...anyway I was able to look up the number online for him--a first, I was able to locate it on whitepages.com before he could ! I teased him about being slow. Anyway he thanked me for helping him, I wished him well with his back pain, and that was that. He said he was coming down tonight vs. tomorrow.
Anyway just glad we had a "nice", neutral conversation after the emotions of the morning.
you know what I've been telling you all along. He needs to feel you mean business. I am sticking to this. You do need to have a final talk as you call it. But right now I think you would do it and expect him to suddenly wake up and run the 100m for the gold. He will not. And then you will have to either follow through OR EAT YOUR WORDS. And then you will have lost your credibility and all the work you are doing will go down the drain. The real DBing for you started a month ago. And that is when you saw a difference in his reactions as well. Give him some time to digest your change and then give him the final blow if you feel like it.
When you do have that talk you should try and make it as more effective as you can. And IMO you should keep the "we are done" attitude for a while longer and THEN hit him with the discussion.
I had the discussion but I am ok with "done". Are you? Really? Love K
It's ok to feel tired and the way you felt earlier. You supported me through times like this. I am here for you as well. Anytime...
So the way I handled it last week is I was pleasant, but neutral. Like I was spending the weekend with a friend. We did yard work together, etc. But I didn't flirt, tease him, touch him at all.....
I was just a "nice" person who happened do be doing things with H some of the time. The rest of the time I did my thing (usher at church, play w/the kids, run errands, etc). I think that is the course this weekend. Not to "coddle" him, not to try to sweep him off his feet, etc. Just to be me doing my own thing.
You are right, that is the only thing that has gotten me progress so far. Being independent. I will continue to act "as if" we are on our way to an official separation. Because, in truth, we are, if things stay this way.
You are right, I am very much afraid that when we have the "final talk" it will be more of the same. He will be unable to "move" from where he is now. And I CANNOT, WILL NOT eat my words. If that is it, then that is it. But I don't know if it is really that time yet. So I shall wait another week. After that, we will think it over again.....
We'll talk/think about it as many times as you feel like it. And you will decide how to proceed based on your knowledge, your strength, your background, your goal, your kids', hapiness and your needs. Not based on your disappointment, your fatigue, your loneliness and of the feeling "something has to change NOW, no matter what". You are smarter than that.
BTW, how are you doing with that scary thing on your face?
That is when I feel like maybe I am a little messed up in the brain. Because I will have a totally calm day and then suddenly the next day I am fired up, I need answers, I need actions, I need everything RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!! I don't know why I do that. Then the next day I wonder why I was so upset the day before...
Looking at this realistically, what has taken place in the last 7 days? 1)H came down to visit, he brought wine for "us" 2)He looked me in the eyes, hugged me, and said I LOVE YOU 3)He texted me and even called me at school which he never does 4)He left a msg. on the home phone "I love you ALL" to me and the kids 5)In reference to telling S we are separating, and to us in fact separating (I know we live apart but I mean like officially doing it) his response is "I don't want to do this"
On the other hand, he 1)Says "I don't know" when asked what else he thinks we could do besides separate 2)He didn't call me once when I asked him to
I am a crazy crazy lady b/c for anyone else I would think that was a great week.................
As far as the scary thing on my face, since they opened it up and took out the junk last week it has entirely healed over and the redness is less and less each day. I think it will leave a small scar, not nearly as big as the one on my back. The one there is quarter size, this will be like the top of a pencil eraser at most. And it is right on the jaw bone so it shouldn't show too much