My 2 year mark is a mere 3 months away. I don't want a D, but I think it's something that I may need to initiate. I love my H and I want my family back. He's done some terrible things and I don't think he's ready to face them. I don't know if he ever will be.
Throughout our R, he's never held me back from doing whatever it was I needed to do - even moving across the country by myself just after our engagement. I know it's not the same, but I want to be able to do the same for him. I love him enough to let him go. As cheesy as this may sound, my love should set him free. In a way, I think he feels that being married to me is still holding him back. I don't know. And I don't have any idea why he's not filing when, in the past year, he's given me no indication of ever wanting to work things out.
But, as my last ditch effort (and something I should have learned to do long ago), I'm going to do my best to create those warm fuzzy feelings every possible chance I get when I'm with H. (Thus, my new thread title... a reminder.)
The talk about finances we had over the weekend went ok. H made a little fuss over the size of the place I want (I think mostly because he's cramped in a tiny little place with ogre). But besides that, he was very nice and very generous with what he said he'll help me with. And he's followed through so far on everything he's said. We've also talked on the phone/emailed more frequently than usual, but almost all related to the financial issue.
H opened his own office probably a year ago. He has never once asked me to go there. If I ever said anything about going there, he'd say he'd meet me somewhere else. This week, he actually let me go. I saw no sign of the ogre's friend who works there - not sure if she's just away or if she no longer works there. H made himself busy while I was there. It was obvious. He even ordered himself lunch without asking if I wanted any or even asking if I had eaten. He did, however, come with me when I asked if he wanted to meet my friend's husband who coincidentally works in the same obscure building. He ended up chatting with him for a while - and I actually heard H laugh the way he used to laugh.
I am seeing more and more of the old H coming out. I miss him and am sad that he's both within my grasp physically, yet still so far away. I want to have faith in him that he will pull himself out of this. But it's a difficult task and in the end, maybe H just isn't the same guy I married.
No matter what, I figure I can't go wrong with warm and fuzzy. That's my plan and I'm stickin' to it.
M: 33 MLC/WAH: 33 M 6 yrs, together 12 2 kids: 5,2 Bomb #1: 4/06 - "I don't love you anymore", almost S Bomb #2: 7/06 - EA/PA since late 05, kicked H out/S Bomb #3: 1/07 - "No longer have any feelings for you. It's over.", living w/OW, no talk of D
SH I like it everything you said and if it feels right one last ditch effort is ok especially if you see H a little more open than previously Especially to see if anything happens..if H opens up
either way, I believe if we can keep somewhat of a nice R with H (even if no reconciliation) its a win for the kids to see some kind of friendship I also see my H doing things for us financially, time with kids, fixing house ect although this is not waht I want and I may need a period of total NC if we D, I think the small friendship will be in the long run positive peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
SH, I think that's a good plan. Just remember, no expectations. I just read from another thread about loving detachment. You control your own actions to be loving because that's what you decide to do. He can react or not react, in any way he wants. Don't let his reaction to lift you up or put you down.
Hi sh- How can you go wrong with warm and fuzzy? Regardless of your M, you will be connected to your H for many years...so how can you go wrong trying to have the best R possible?
So are you moving? You said you might be leaving the county...is that going to happen?
It is hard to not want more when you see the old personality reappearing. Try not to think too much about it...hopefully it will all make more sense some day when you have more pieces of the puzzle.
I will be moving, but just to another place. Had I not found anything I liked within the budget (I'm very picky), my plan was to pack up and leave the country. I found something, so it looks like my time here isn't up just yet.
I actually found something below my current rental, which will save my in-laws or my H (whoever ends up paying for it) some money. It's far less luxurious than what we're accustomed to, but I have always wanted to live in a place like this. The move, to me, is a good thing because it allows H to see that I'm ok with moving on without him. Friends have urged me to ask for more $ for rent or to demand something from my H, but it just doesn't feel right to me. I'm excited about our new place and even though I haven't been given any assurances, I feel good about what will happen in the future. I don't know if I'm hormonal, unrealistic, spoiled, or just plain stupid, but at the moment, rebuilding a friendship with my H seems more important than financial security. (I hope that I will never have to regret saying that.)
Lately, I've seen that things could be a whole lot worse, so I'm not complaining about my sitch. The move will be stressful, especially since the new place requires a lot of work. I will not expect H to help in any way, and I will bite my tongue when it comes to dealing with H's things that he's left behind. Still debating what I should do with all of it, as I don't really have the space for it in the new place.
Anyway, warm and fuzzy feels right. I highly recommend it.
Hi sh- You sound like you are in a really good place. You are trying to maintain a good, friendly R with your H and moving on creating a new life for yourself. On top of that you see that you do have many things to be grateful for in your life.
Moving is tough but I am sure it will be rewarding for you in many ways once you are in and settled. Hopefully your boys are excited about your new place.
Thanks for sharing your PMA with us...it can be contagious.
Interesting SH I have read in Jim conways books about how men in MLC affair down he described these women like 7 tpes the homewrecker the girl who wants money women who want to hurt wives women who fear committment ect all the womaen had an agenda of their own I forget the actual names they called them but basically descibed as sick women peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Ogre, I think, would fall in to the category of 'girl who wants money'. Contrary to what my friends think, I don't think she's necessarily a true gold-digger - rather a girl that grew up very poorly (and obviously with no morals) and had to resort to degrading jobs to earn a living. A girl who will leech on to anyone who can provide her with a better life. Just a guess.
H has been really nice and very helpful financially. Even offering to pay for things that I feel like I should be paying for. He's been much more open when talking to me to, rather than being secretive and hiding things from me (whereabouts, bank account, travel plans, to name a few).
I have no idea what it all means, if anything at all. But I am enjoying the civility and the ability to recognize a little of the old H (or is it hopefully the new and improved H?).
Oh - H brought up the issue of getting some of his things that he needed for a trip. Asked me to bring them to him, to which I replied "Why don't you come get them? You have an entire closet there still." But then I realized how cold and un-fuzzy that sounded, even if I said it casually. So I offered to bring it over for him and did. He seemed to appreciate it.
Just speculating, but things don't seem to be going well for H and ogre, seeing as how he's out drinking almost every single night without her. Although I don't know for certain that she isn't there. My guess is no, since H enjoys going out alone and meeting up with his guy friends.
