I think it might be time........

[Mom of 2 Cherubs]

Hello all,

I am very afraid to say this but i think it might be time for a separation. I don't know what else to do. We most recently went to Retrovaille, did the follow up sessions, previously did some MC...feelings fo rme haven't changed. I am still not having those feelings for my husband thta I should and it is tearing him apart, I know it is.

I think that i need to get away from him and our house and clear my head. get out on my own - which i have never done - spend time with the kids just me ant the two of them. He can spend time with the two of them on his own.

If we end up back together,then this time apart would be a short, small price to pay for the rest of our lifetime together. If we do end up D'ing, well it wouldn't be that we didn't try. i just dont' know what else to do and it hurts to keep disappointing him....and me.

[hopeforfuture]

I am still not having those feelings for my husband thta I should and it is tearing him apart, I know it is.

Yes it bothers me, certainly, but it is confusing me more than anything. When you came back things felt great. More than just the sex... everything felt like it was right. We were talking and connecting. We were affectionate and intimate. If felt like we were focused us, the relationship, making the house a home. It all felt right. I think the kids have even seen or sensed the change and the improvement. What happens that this is such a fleeting feeling?? I can't get my hands around what it is exactly that you think is missing. I can and will let go, and hope that you find what it is that you are searching for. I just hope that it is not some phantom emotion that you are in search of.

If we end up back together,then this time apart would be a short, small price to pay for the rest of our lifetime together. If we do end up D'ing, well it wouldn't be that we didn't try. i just dont' know what else to do and it hurts to keep disappointing him....and me.

I will not give up, but I will no longer push. I have pushed too much up to this point and have only succeeded in Mo2C feeling pressured and compromising her feelings.

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Mom of 2,

I would urge you not to leave. In the end you are the only one who can make that decision. I left my H thinking I no longer loved him, but had I stayed and really invested in my marriage (I am not saying you haven't) I could have saved us both a lot of hurt and anger. Of course hindsight is 20/20 I didn't know then what I know now. I can't continue to dwell on the past and all of the what if's, but you have the unique opportunity to learn from the WAW's here who also felt much like you did, but now wish they had never walked away.

It sounds like you have built up some walls around your heart. What are YOU doing to invest in you M and H. Remember you have to be the first to change. When you invest in the other person you get the same or more in return. I believe that this is where some marriages go wrong. Couples stop investing in each other and take each other for granted. Have you tried Michele's "Keeping love alive" series?

My heart goes out to you. I said the same things "I just need to get away, clear my head, it's only a sep." You are sending a strong message to your H by leaving. I only fear that you will be doing more damage than you realize

[Michael Mc C]

I know you both on a personal level and this is a difficult one to provide any advice on. I will instead simply give you a glimpse of my past.

Prior to our current sitch, 3.5 years ago I think, my wife decided that she needed to do something she had never done before - go out on her own and see what life was like. We have been together since she was 17 and I was 18.

She moved out of our house (3 kids) and into her mother's home. We did as much as we could to share time with the children. It was the worst moment, up to that point, in our marriage.

After 2 months of me doing all the non-DB stuff (never heard of DB'ing) I came to the realization that all I was doing was delaying the inevitable - reconciliation or divorce.

I backed off. She continued with school. She began calling me for help with her studying, to spend time together with the kids and eventually just to spend time with me.

We began dating and really had a chance to see how we both have grown.

W moved back in (her idea) and we had the best 2 years of our marriage...

Unfortunately we let it go with the moving back in. We didn't change anything as far as our communication goes and I am CONFIDENT that this is why we ended back up in turmoil.

With that said, we both look back at those few months of separation as being the best thing that could have happened for us. That relatively short amount of time spent apart was a worthwhile investment in US. We needed space to breath, to think and to grow. My wife was adamant that she was not in search of a new love, she was in search of herself.

One caveat: Our children still remember the day their mother left. For about a year after she moved back in they voiced their concerns that any argument would end in her leaving again.

D13 was well aware of what was going on in our current situation and she confided in me that this was her biggest fear. Both her brother (8) and sister (11) went to her for reassurance that things were going to be okay.

It's mixed bag. All 5 of us were hurting when we separated but our children healed and so did we (unfortunately WE dropped the ball).

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Unfortunately we let it go with the moving back in. We didn't change anything as far as our communication goes and I am CONFIDENT that this is why we ended back up in turmoil.

With that said, we both look back at those few months of separation as being the best thing that could have happened for us. That relatively short amount of time spent apart was a worthwhile investment in US. We needed space to breath, to think and to grow. My wife was adamant that she was not in search of a new love, she was in search of herself.

I'm sorry, but don't these statements contradict each other? I don't doubt that sep CAN be good for some couples as long as you really take the time to work on yourselves and see a solution based therapist to work on your communication or whatever issues you may have. Often times it is larger than an issue of communication.

I have trouble seeing how sep. will benefit anyone in this sitch. Maybe I am wrong. I don't know the whole story, but from what I have read I can relate with mom of 2.

[hopeforfuture]

I have trouble seeing how sep. will benefit anyone in this sitch. Maybe I am wrong. I don't know the whole story, but from what I have read I can relate with mom of 2.

Hopeful,
You say that you can relate to Mo2C and in your previous post you urged to not pursue the separation. What would you have done differently in your situation. Were you also having trouble finding that connection?

[Sara]

I just took this quote off Husband's thread where we were discussing the question of marrying the "right" person. I think it is apropos here too.

"I have no way of knowing whether or not you married the wrong person, but I do know that many people have a lot of wrong ideas about marriage and what it takes to make that marriage happy and successful. I'll be the first to admit that it's possible that you did marry the wrong person. However, if you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having married the right person after all. On the other hand, if you marry the right person, and treat that person wrong, you certainly will have ended up marrying the wrong person. I also know that it is far more important to be the right kind of person than it is to marry the right person. In short, whether you married the right or wrong person is primarily up to you."
- Zig Ziglar

[Michael Mc C]

I just want to clarify my statements. The separation we went through afforded us a chance to clear our heads, find ourselves (to some degree) and rediscover each other. Our reconciliation gave us the opportunity to fix our marriage - an opportunity we did NOT take advantage of.

Communication is a core issue between me and my wife. I believe many of our issues have spawned from this single deficit.

I stopped short, I think/hope, of recommending that MO2C and HFF separate in my post because such a decision has a widespread impact on everyone involved. As we have all heard and witnessed, everyone's situation is different.

[HOPEFULinCALI]

MMC,

Oh okay. I understand now. It seems as if the real work starts with reconciliation and following (i.e. keeping the changes going). Thx.

HopeforFuture,

I was having trouble finding that connection between my H and I. My H and I were not aware of Michele's books and her wealth of knowledge. I believe that Mo2c has the advantage of having the knowledge of Michele's books. Had I known that I held many of the misperceptions about marriage Michele talks about in her books I would have seen that our problems and feelings were not only normal, but could be overcome.

Healing the relationship really has to start within yourself. If I were in Mo2c position I would do a lot of soul searching, read all Michele's books, and try to find my own happiness. I believe that at times the the unhappiness we feel can be a result of our own personal unhappiness, attitudes and issues and it is reflected in our relationships and that will follow us from relationship to relationship. I would also read the 5LL and try to better understand my H's love language.

Michele explains it so much better than I ever could. Love is a choice. You get out what you put in. The quote Sara posted above say's it perfectly. Start with a beginners mind

[Mom of 2 Cherubs]

Thank you to everyone for all of your advice and kind words. It is very refreshing to see the helpful supportive side of all of you considering how crazy i have been towards HFF.

Hope - i do want to find that happiness within myself. I think that what i need is a break to find that. i have always done what others expected, wanted, etc. I have never really been myself.

HFF and i just had a really good conversation about ALL of this. I feel better, i think he does too. I still believe that taking a break will do us both some good. Like i said before, if we then reconcile and are married for 30 more years, then this will just be blip in time. If i don't do it and we end up in the same situation 1 year from now, I will kick myself for not doing it now.

This is going to sound very bizarre i know - if there ever was a time, this is it. It wouldn't be because i am leaving for the OM, HFF is not furious with me, he understands (though doesn't necessarily agree with) where i am coming from. If it is going to happen, then now is the time to do it.

This is hard to explain but i feel if i don't do it now under these seemingly "ok" situations (not really ok but not at all volatile) i will always think - what if.