my story adventures of a WAW!

[christarn]

my crazy mess!

The above is a link to my first thread. I have a current thread also in newbies, titled my crazy mess #2!! The title fits for me, as most days that is what I am!!LOL

I will give a synopse of my story! Married, happy (weren't we all) after 2 years things went downhill and they went there like a snowboard on speed! I put myself in IC, went on meds, thought it would help...it didn't. Things just got worse. Finally, my H, helped to put the icing on the cake. He was at a party, drunk and got a ride to another party from his exgirlfriend, normally, I would probably be upset;however, I was home sober if he needed a ride, and they text messaged each other back and forth all night. From that point on, I was gone. Our marriage was already in shambles, now what little faith I had in him was out the door, and trust, well that too, was down the toilet. So the following January, while he was on vacation, I packed the house and our 3 dogs and moved. He begged, pleaded, we did go to counseling, but then the phone bill came. He was texting the exgirlfriend again....so I filed for D. I am by no means saying I have been an angel. I know that I b@tched over many petty things, when he needed a friend, I wasn't there, and we fought about money constantly. Money was huge between us, mainly because I had inherited some money when my parents died and kept that part of my life to myself, I held onto to it with all of might.

I bought a house in a town 25 miles away from him. I stopped thinking about things for a while. Then he slowly started coming back into my thoughts, but not in an angry way anymore. I started thinking about him the way I used to. I started to remember the good times instead of the fights. I started to remember talking to him at the end of a long work day. The good things. So I called him, he agreed to meet for a drink, I told him I would like to work on things. I've never seen a reaction like the one he made that night. I don't know if he even knew, should I cry, or should scream.

So now I will bring you to the present. As all of that was last year. We stopped all legal action on our divorce, that was done last May. We have seen each other on and off since then, and text on and off as well. I know what I have done, and how much I hurt him, but I did say vows "better or worse" and I do want to do all that I can, with the help of God, to honor those words. I truly believe in my H's heart he's hurt and scared and doesn't know what to do, so I am attempting to do all I can, to show him the changes that I have made within myself. I am no longer a mean angry monster. I am trying hard each day to live for that day. I am seeing the world in color, not just black and white....what I mean by that is this. I wanted everything just so, perfect house, perfect husband, white picket fence, no speed bumps down our road. Life is full of color, and without seeing that, I missed so many things. I tried to be a perfectionist, in an unperfect world.

I am here to get advice from anyone that is willing to give. I believe we are all here for the same reason, to become better people, because when we become better people, our S's will see that, and hopefully our R/M's will succeed.

That's my story...or at least the synopsis!!!
take care,
Christa

[Jay Scott]

Christa I have read through your posts and I think you are doing a great job. I know how discouraging it can be but it seems like you are fighting the good fight. I wish my wife could have the revelation that you have had before it is too late for my heart to ever be open again. I don't know if I am in the early stages of complete detachment or just starting to move from pain and fear to hurt and anger. Which ever it is, I am concerned about the future. When I read about the WAW's that see through the fog and have a change of heart it encourages me in some ways but in others it does not. It is frightening to me because it looks like it takes several months at the minimum and like you, I am not a patient person.

When I read your posts I really feel for you but I can honestly understand where your H is coming from too. While I know it is hard to be patient when you feel torn up inside over the waffling of your H, I would take it as a good sign that he is still on the fence.

Good luck to you Christa.

[christarn]

Thanks Jay...I am being patient!! Somedays it is hard, as you well know. I know it may sound crazy, but I just have this feeling inside of me, this is what I am supposed to be doing. I know in my heart that God will let me know when it is time to let go. But for now, He is giving me strength, courage and hope to keep my head held high and to fight for my R/M. I totally agree that it is a positive that my H is still wavering. I think if he truly wanted to end things, he has a lawyer on retainer...I think he would have already pulled the trigger and gotten on with pushing the D...but he hasn't. When and if she decides to come back, it will be so hard to get past those feelings of anger and resentment...I know because when my H and I used to talk about reconciling, it's all he could say, how hurt and angry he was, and how could he ever trust me again. I don't have all of the answers. I just try to think of things in different ways now. I try to think of the good times instead of all of the bad times...like thinking of our wedding day and how that was truly the best day of my life so far. And the day he proposed to me....and sometimes when I think about those things, my anger and feelings of rage would start to subside. In your case you have kids also to think about. I know it must have hurt them tremendously when their mother left, but children are resilient(sp) and if/when she would come back think of what is yet to come. I recently heard a saying and I try to think of it daily now and use it in live my life.... "if you live always looking back thru the rearview mirror of life and not looking forward, your setting yourself up to crash"...I just kind of like that little quote!

As for your sitch, I know how devistating it must be for you to watch your life crumble before your eyes. It's been one month since she left, I am sure you are hitting your anger stage which must be hard for you. Take time out for yourself. Work on GAL, take time to do things not only with your boys, but with your guy friends. It's important for you, so you can attempt to keep your sanity. I know it's easier said than done, and it took me at least 8-9 months to really get this whole DB thing down. But, in the end, if saving your R/M is what you want, this is a good place to be. You can do this, you are doing this. God gives you everything you need to fight the battle, it's finding the strength, courage and confidence He has already instilled within you to continue on fighting the good fight. He wouldn't set you up for something you couldn't handle. Believe in yourself!

Take care JS (((((BIG BIG BIG HUGS)))))
Christa

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Christa,

Just wanted to stop by and offer my support.

I know it may sound crazy, but I just have this feeling inside of me, this is what I am supposed to be doing. I know in my heart that God will let me know when it is time to let go. But for now, He is giving me strength, courage and hope to keep my head held high and to fight for my R/M.

I can't tell you how relieved I am to hear that. It is not crazy at all. I feel the same way. Others have told me to move on and give up, but I also feel that God will put it on my heart when it is time to move on.

I spoke with a good friend last night who told me to move on. He has known my H and I since we met. We all went to school together in the Navy. He only remembers us as we were 8 yrs ago. My H has always been a great guy, but he was young then. I told him that I would not give up on my marriage b/c I love my H and leaving him is what got me here. Long story short he began to give me advice on how to save my M which was very much like DBing. Although one thing different is that he told me to ask my H when he would file or I would file myself. I am not so sure about this advice as long as we are making progress as little as it may be.

[christarn]

HIC, I'm also happy to hear that you have the same feelings that I do. My friends and family have told me time and time again to move on. Your H is out partying and having a great time, and your going to let him do that, etc etc. But I just know that at this point God is giving me the strength I need to continue on fighting for my H/R/and M. It's so crazy, every time I feel like I'm supposed to give up, I pray, or read scripture, and I'm back to being just as motivated to continuning on. As I said before, He will let me know when it is time to let go.

One of my dear friends, has also been a total DB coach, I don't know where or how she knows what she knows, but she is my biggest advocate for saving my M. She is the one of finally got it thru to me to stop chasing and really work on GAL. And she has never read any of Michelles stuff!!! She's like girls, you gotta start making him wonder what the hell your up too!!! Let him start chasing you!! She and I talk daily, and I believe God brought her into my life at the right time, to help me thru this. she has also been a great prayer partner too. she's been a true blessing! I do agree with what you said about your friend. I think if you ask your H at what point would he ask for a D, it may be a stumbling block. Or he may wonder why is she asking me that. I wouldn't advise going that far. I think you are doing great with where you are now. Keep on doing what you are doing. If you come to a bump in your road, change things up a bit, then watch and monitor your results...do your DB'ing!!

Take care, and thanks as always for checking in with me!
(((hugs)))
Christa

[BryanR]

Christa,

I wanted to drop you a note to tell you how much I value what you are sharing. I am dealing with a WAW sitch and you have given me hope. I truly believe that it will take trusting in God and standing with His help to restore our M's. Hang in there and keep praying! You are included in my prayers.

-Bryan

[christarn]

Thanks Brian....what an encouranging message!! I was angry for at least a good year, but now....I'm the woman I used to be, taken life as it comes...good, bad, ugly, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. I told one of my friends, jokingly, that God is probably like...oh it's you again!!!! I wake up praying, pray during my free time at work, pray in the bathroom, pray when I'm in the car, pray before bed, read scripture when I find time, but always before bed. I truly believe that part of why I was so angry for so long, is the simple fact that I had let God out slip out of my life.

I'm inspired that my sharing has given you hope. That truly makes my heart feel good! As I have said in previous posts, I am in this until God tells my heart it is time to stop, otherwise, it is "for better or worse." I did hear a smidge of news I don't know wether it is going to make a difference. My sister ran into my H over the weekend at a local pub, he said something to her along the lines of "I still have love/feelings for her"...I say don't know if it makes a difference, because, I think once a person marries they will always have those feelings for their spouse even if they D. I am baffled at the fact that the past two weekends he has been seen at my two favorite pubs??? And he lives 30 miles aways....when we first started this over 10 months ago (talking/texting/dating from time to time) he said he didn't like the big city pubs....they were too overrated...or something to that effect????

I have read tons of books on R/M/working things out...etc. Gary Chapman has some really good reads, besides the 5LL. He has one on my wish lists about 5 steps to an apology...or something like that....it looked good when I scanned over it at barnes n noble. I am currently reading Become a better you by Joel Osteen...very motivating!!!

Take Care, and I will be praying for you also!
Christa

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Hey Christa,

Dropping by to say hello. Your H is stopping by your 2 fav. pubs!? And he lives 30 miles away? That is certainly something of interest. Sounds great to me. Was there a "but" in that statement from your H. Either way that should give you hope and something to hold onto. You are certainly staying strong. Keep it up girl.

hugs

[christarn]

Thanks HIC I need all the hope I can find to hold onto! Yeah, it's rather crazy I think...two weekends in a row, my favorite haunts....i am trying not to read into it! I'm debating about what to do this weekend...get dressed up and go out and about, just in case??? Guess we'll see closer to the weekend!!

thanks for stoppin by!

hugs back at ya!
christa

[BryanR]

Christa,

Thanks so much for the prayers, I take all I can get! I also learned that if you are going to stand you need to first hit your knees! I had been neglecting my relationship with God for the past 20 years, but I have accepted Jesus back into my heart.

I am only 2 months into this and my W is pretty angry at me, but I am in this for the duration. I told her so and she isn't interested in an "us" at this point. I know that it is God's timing and that I just have to be patient and wait as I totally believe that he will heal my M.

I know it isn't my W who I need to be fighting. She just isn't herself. I will continue to pray for her even though she doesn't want to hear it. It is the only way to beat the enemy.

I wish you all the best and would love to hear about the things in your life that brought you out of the WAW fog. I have found that there is just no talking about the R right now and that I am most likely better off to just let her be and do my fighting through prayer as well as giving her love and support from a distance.

Keep the faith, it is what will restore your M. Hang in there!

-Bryan