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After 2+ years of strife (an EA, ILBNIWY, etc.) W has decided that she will be better able to move forward in her life in a better way if we stay together. She has said she "has to be open to the idea of the M working because for so long she didn't want it to." She says she has no feelings for me, though we have had some physical contact (kissing, etc.) in the past several days.

She hasn't committed yet, and has become a bit more distant the past few days, but in general has made a huge about face. She wants to spend time with me now, invites me to come downstairs and talk to her, watch tv with her, lay on her bed with her, etc. In fact she's asked me not to go out in the evening in order to hang out with her.

There's a whole new dynamic in the house now, but I'm not entirely convinced it's real (I suppose the fact that she hasn't committed to anything is responsible). She has been good about defining her boundaries, telling me that I need to give her a bit more space, etc. and I think I've started to get better at respecting them without her spelling it out.

We've talked about a new life in the future, new rings, new baby, new home, new car, etc., and I think that stuff's a big factor for her. We both agreed we need to do some work to make sure our M is what we want it to before we go down that road (especially the baby), but we agreed that we want to leave the past behind and move forward into a new relationship.

So I'm not entirely certain I belong here yet because I'm not sure she is committed. In fact I'm still without my ring - I'm committed to trying to make the R the best it can be, but I'm not sure I'm committed to the M. Once I am a new ring will be in order.


“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ”
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Well, if you're not even sure YOU are committed, take it slow & see what happens.

I think one thing you could do when you are ready is say "hey, how about going to the mall & looking for those new rings we talked about." I think you'll know from her answer to that whether she's committed at that point or not.


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S4, S5, S10
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Yeah, I'm certainly taking it slow. As for my level of commitment, my philosophy on this has always been that I can't make a decision on the M until it's the best we can get it. I want the M to work, and I'm committed to doing my part. I want to be convinced that we're both in this together, not one more than the other.


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hey muddle!!!!!! wow, I'm so happy for you, I pray she stays commited))))))))


Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2

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I agree with taking things slowly. I have read too my other threads where the WAS comes home and seems like they would pounce out the door at the least little bit of pressure. To some degree, things are still pressure. My suggestion, since I am from the other side of the fense, would be to try to keep things light hearted and have as much fun together as you can. There will be a time when you will need to talk seriously, but I would let her take the lead on that. She is adjusting, just as you are. Piecing is not easy. It's work. But, good luck to both of you and keep coming here to post.

Sandi


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Hey Mudd, (I hope it's OK to shorten your name to Mudd)

Just wanted to let you know I've stopped by. I appreciate the insights you've offered on my thread in the other forum. Honestly I don't think you need any advice on how to take things it sounds like you've got a good handle on yourself and your sit with W.

Wishing you the best,

LL

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Thanks for the welcome and encouragement.

It is an interesting adjustment because though we've functioned as a family through this whole ordeal, we haven't. And I've had to set aside my expectations of there being some mutuality to our R. Now I have these expectations - I need some tenderness, a kiss (blown or otherwise) before heading out the door or off to bed, and I feel entitled to it, resentful when I feel rejected because affection isn't returned. We briefly did this when W told me she wanted to try. Now she's backed off and has been shying away from any advances I make in this area. I've consciously backed off in response, but every once in a while make some bid that hasn't been returned. This isn't to say that she hasn't been making her own efforts to be closer. She's been much more friendly with me. I know I need to back off more, especially since nothing has been set in stone and we havn't agreed on anything at all yet.

I guess I need to be patient, but I also think I need some limits, goals and the like. I'm torn between working to get the M to a better place and doing nothing and leaving it up to the W to do what she's comfortable with. Meanwhile I'm working on me.


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Quote:
As for my level of commitment, my philosophy on this has always been that I can't make a decision on the M until it's the best we can get it. I want the M to work, and I'm committed to doing my part. I want to be convinced that we're both in this together, not one more than the other.


Hi, just wondered if you would mind explaining in more detail what you mean by this statement. I ask b/c it sound similar to what my H told me. Not about a decision, but he said that he didn't think I was putting very much effort into working on the M. At the time, I was doing the best I could do. As I tried to tell him, I was trying to get to the place just to be "willing to be willing" to work on the M.

It kind of sounds like you are waiting to see if she is going to put 100% into the R before you make a decision about the M. But, wouldn't that put you in the place of "score keeping"? I'm sure I didn't understand what you were saying.

Anyway, just wondered what you meant.

Sandi


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Quote:
I'm torn between working to get the M to a better place and doing nothing and leaving it up to the W to do what she's comfortable with.

Your answer is to do both...work on what you have control over that can possibly have a positive impact on the M, while allowing W to grow too. You're absolutely right to continue working on you and to work up some limits and goals--expectations can still be killer, but hopefully it's time for some real steps toward putting this all together into a happy, healthy M.

I'm sorry I'm not more familiar with your entire story...but I know you've been around the DB block and have a good head on your shoulders. Welcome to Piecing Muddle!


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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Hi, just wondered if you would mind explaining in more detail what you mean by this statement. I ask b/c it sound similar to what my H told me. Not about a decision, but he said that he didn't think I was putting very much effort into working on the M. At the time, I was doing the best I could do. As I tried to tell him, I was trying to get to the place just to be "willing to be willing" to work on the M.

It kind of sounds like you are waiting to see if she is going to put 100% into the R before you make a decision about the M. But, wouldn't that put you in the place of "score keeping"? I'm sure I didn't understand what you were saying.

Anyway, just wondered what you meant.

Sandi


Good point about the score keeping. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need to be sure that the M works for me. I know for a fact that it won't work for me if I don't work to ensure it does - which means I need to be in it - but I don't want to blindly commit to something that doesn't work for me. I'm committed to a functional, good relationship. Our M wasn't truly either in the past, and I doubt it (or any R for that matter) can be free of dysfunction, but I'm committed to a M that is growing in that direction. If it's clear to me that my W is not interested in this sort of goal, that she's looking to stay in the M for purely financial reasons, etc, then I can't commit to that R.

Make sense?


“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ”
– Albert Einstein
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