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See BND, you missed that I didnt say it was only going to hurt me. I get that, just having a hard time pushing through it right now.

Grabbing a hand isn't that easy right now Tom. It's all very complicated.

Like I said before, I just need to rest. I need time to simply regain my feet under me.

BND, I know, believe me I know. I heard every word you said to me. I get it. It's just trying to grasp it all that I am struggling with. I am not moving, I am just standing still instead of doing anything. Understand?

I know it sounds stupid, but I have to understand it before I can do anything and right now I don't. I am working doubles for the next 2 weeks and that should keep me fairly preoccupied. My kids leave the next week for Colorado for a month (which I am dreading) and I will have some time to work all of this out. My philosophy is, keep talking. Work it through and keep talking until you understand what it is that you are doing and why.

By the way:

Quote:
Shame.


You still have some of the chosen people in you don't you.

Ian


M- 48
XW- mentally 17
KIDS- 3- S19, D23, D28
Married- 17 years
Divorce final- 10/16/09

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whatever it is, Ian, I hope that you do work it out.

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Where there's life there's hope - It's always darkest before the dawn - when one door closes another one opens............

All very simple but very true.

Ian,

You like so many of us have been walking around for so long with this cloud hanging over your head. Getting the divorce is nothing like we think it will be. Yes it's sad, and yes it will be painful, but with it also comes control. That's another thing that you probably haven't felt in a very longtime, and believe me, when you get it back, it feels so good! A couple of months from now you'll feel different about things than you do today!

Good luck Sweetie.....

Love,
Bethie

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Quote:
It's always darkest before the dawn - when one door closes another one opens............


These phrases make me pee. sigh. Not being disrespectful to you Bethie my sugar.

I know they are true.

I don' t know what the deal is with the muffin here.

I am reading, and I am trying to understand.

Understand? (cough)


I used to understand that when Ian, was feeling confused or blech. He used to plan, and strategize. You know all that work related stuff you do, that you bring to your everyday life.

What I am reading here now, is someone that is taking the easier route with things.

I think that it pays off in the short run. Sure we have all seen it here time and over again.

I think you yourself were the number one advise giver, when people were losing their focus.

I remember, b/c I use to swell up with pride, b/c my muffin was helping someone stay focused, and you were helping them make the better decision. A decision that in the long run, saved them and others some heart ache.

I know this, b/c the people that you have helped, used to get in contact with me and share with me about YOUR words.

Your words, that helped them maybe one more day. Keep on track.



So what I am seeing now, is a role reversal, if you will.

I see now that you may be the one that is need of some guidance.

Hence, Bnd saying Shame. Hence Tommy pants reaching out his hand.

I read what you are saying about you needing the time to think things through.

I hope that is true. I hope that you will not end up choosing, the path of least resistance, and end up choosing the path that will make you proud.

I hope that b/c of what Carrie has done to you, you don't in return say F this it's Me time , and I am gonne do what I want no matter what.

So yes, please think long and hard. B/c that attitude you are displaying is the same attitude that you have been shown, by somone you loved/love. That same attitude that you are showing is that same attitude, that we have all encountered by the spouses that we loved, and it has left a mark. It has left a mark of hurt.



I used to KNOW that you were not that way at all.

Then I read this.

Quote:
I have spoken to a few of my board friends and have gotten some solid feedback. It isn't helping because to be honest I am feeling a wee bit selfish right now and want what I want.






Seeing someone you care about unwind slowly, is painful.

Especially, when some just want to help, but when the response is I'm fine, more than once. People tend to back off.



I hope that you really do take the time and make the better choices.

Be that person, that you helped me become. Be that person, that no matter how many times I just wanted to say F this, you stepped in and kept my judgement, faith, and morality a float.

Be that person, that helped me make it thru nights of tears and confusion and pain.

The feelings of getting a Divorce are 1 million. They are like a puzzle jumbled in front of you, and to put them together, is exhausting.

I know that feeling. I think most people here that are now Divorced know that feeling.

Let that feeling run it's course.

It is normal.

It is part of the healing process.

Have faith.
Be good in all that you do.

TTYL




Last edited by Lissie; 06/07/08 03:50 AM.

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First things first, thank you for the words Bean. I can still see the right path, just having a hell of a time staying on it.

I said I am tired, I am. Not in the general sense, more in the fighter sense of the word. I have not been getting my rest between rounds and the cuts are all over my face and impairing my vision. (I know you love boxing metaphors ;\) )

Some of you will read this and understand, some will not.

I am tired of being a single dad. The work is never ending and the successes are not as easy to come by as the one's when it was two of us. I am not saying I am tired of my kids. I adore my children, they are and have been the reason that I was able to keep fighting. I am simply overwhelmed at times with all that it entails to be a dad. It is not an easy job and the pay is hard to measure at times.

Lissie you are dead on about how I do things. I maintain that management style in my home as well and I do so much better with measurable results and obtainable goals. The weeks that I have my son, I am physically worn out by the time he goes home on Sunday nights. Every other Sunday I feel the guilt of being relieved that he is going back with his mom. I used to hate when he went back to her, I used to hate facing the fact that he would not be with me for 7 days.

It seems like all I do is clean my house, do laundry, pay bills. It seems like there is no time for anything else in life. It feels like I am so fricken old. I hate this feeling.

Hope told me that I am doing some things in my life because they make me feel younger. She is dead on. They do make me feel younger, the give me energy and a sense of youth.

Here comes the flat out honesty part and many of you know I kind of struggle with that sometimes. I am dating a girl. She is significantly younger than I am.....significantly. I do not feel like it will ever go anywhere, I am however enjoying the energy that comes with dating someone younger. She knows my situation, I have been as upfront as possible about us and what I am looking for and not looking for. I know that just saying it doesn't mean that a connection won't be made and someone could end up being hurt by it.

And that ladies and gentlemen is the big white elephant. It sits out there and makes me feel like I have two separate lives. I have one week where I am a full time dad, and then another week where I am a free man and do as I please. It is kind of conflicting because I am very big on stability in my life and this is about as unstable as things have been for me.

My son knows nothing about it, my D14 is smarter than that and knows something is up. She says that I am a different person from week to week. I cling to it because it is like having time to forget about everything. Every other week I have 3 days to myself, I have time to date and have fun. When I am doing this I don't even think about what is going on with STBX, I do not allow that part of my life to exist during these "free" times.

It is very difficult to see right and wrong right now. I read this:

Quote:
I remember, b/c I use to swell up with pride, b/c my muffin was helping someone stay focused, and you were helping them make the better decision. A decision that in the long run, saved them and others some heart ache.


And do not know what to think about it because I am like a horse with blinders on right now. The big picture is out there, I just cannot see it today. Maybe I will tomorrow....maybe not.

I am going to bed.... I need sleep.....


Ian


M- 48
XW- mentally 17
KIDS- 3- S19, D23, D28
Married- 17 years
Divorce final- 10/16/09

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Quote:
Some of you will read this and understand, some will not.

I am tired of being a single dad.


Totally understand this one myself. Hang tough my friend.


Me 45
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Originally Posted By: sofaraway


Here comes the flat out honesty part and many of you know I kind of struggle with that sometimes. I am dating a girl. She is significantly younger than I am.....significantly. I do not feel like it will ever go anywhere, I am however enjoying the energy that comes with dating someone younger. She knows my situation, I have been as upfront as possible about us and what I am looking for and not looking for. I know that just saying it doesn't mean that a connection won't be made and someone could end up being hurt by it.

And that ladies and gentlemen is the big white elephant. It sits out there and makes me feel like I have two separate lives. I have one week where I am a full time dad, and then another week where I am a free man and do as I please. It is kind of conflicting because I am very big on stability in my life and this is about as unstable as things have been for me.


It's about frikin time you came out of the closet Ian.. LMAO!

How in the hell is this causing instability in your life Ian? So what, your a single (part-time) Father and dating a younger Woman. Good for you kingpin! Your not only a Father, but your a Man and it's NORMAL.. OK!


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((((Ian))))

Great to hear from you, but sorry you're having a tough time.


Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7
Bomb 1 10/07/06
Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15
Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07
Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate
2/08 slowly improving
7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!)
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I wanted to add one more thing Ian. You know, it's not our purpose in life to be idle. What is "stability" in our life anyway? Expecting all things in our life to remain constant and stable, will end in disappointment. The world changes and dictates to us, not the other way around.

There is a time and a season for everything. Seize the favorable opportunity for every good purpose in your life. The time to die is fast approaching. Embrace the change.


"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare."
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"And that ladies and gentlemen is the big white elephant. It sits out there and makes me feel like I have two separate lives. I have one week where I am a full time dad, and then another week where I am a free man and do as I please. It is kind of conflicting because I am very big on stability in my life and this is about as unstable as things have been for me. "

I so understand this, but try to see it as having variety not instabilty.
I get the feeling you are being too hard on yourself as though you feel your halo has slipped? maybe I am wrong.
This may not go anywhere, but for now it's giving you some much needed respite. Nor does it mean you are both going to get hurt.
Honesty is the key here,not a white elephant.
Be kinder to yourself.

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