I agree with all of you. But, it’s all a matter of balance. My W feels that we’re balancing all of this as best we can. I want more one-on-one with her, but of course I can’t decide that unilaterally.
Like Wilma said, our lives are so crazy these days. It's a no wonder people can't connect.
Here’s a typical week in Andy’s family...
Monday
morning: Andy wakes up, makes coffee. Brings coffee to bed. W is groggy. Finally wakes up enough to drink coffee and engage in small talk. S#2 comes barreling out of his room and starts bouncing on the bed. Small talk ends. Andy goes to work.
Afternoon: Kids come home from school. W helps them with homework, etc. Goes rollerblading with MF. Andy gets home from work, eats supper and chats with kids. W comes home and leaves for kickboxing.
Evening: W returns. Family watches TV. S#2 is bouncing off the walls, and the other kids are all talking at once. W is exhausted. Goes to bed. Andy sends kids to bed and goes to bed himself.
Tuesday
morning: Andy wakes up, makes coffee. Brings coffee to bed. W is groggy. Finally wakes up enough to drink coffee and engage in small talk. S#2 comes barreling out of his room and starts bouncing on the bed. Other kids enter. General mahem. Small talk ends. Andy goes to work.
Afternoon: Kids come home from school. W helps them with homework, etc. Goes rollerblading with MF. Andy gets home from work, eats supper and chats with kids. W comes home and leaves for kickboxing. Andy drops d#2 off for singing lesson on his way to karate.
Evening: W picks up d#2 and heads home. Andy comes home where family is watchingTV. S#2 is bouncing off the walls, and the other kids are all talking at once. W is exhausted. Goes to bed. Andy sends kids to bed and goes to bed himself.
Wednesday
morning: Andy wakes up, makes coffee. Brings coffee to bed. W is groggy. Finally wakes up enough to drink coffee and engage in small talk. S#2 comes barreling out of his room and starts bouncing on the bed. Small talk ends. Andy goes to work.
Afternoon: Kids come home from school. W helps them with homework, etc. Then takes S#2 to karate. Stays there to do her kickboxing. Andy gets home from work, eats supper and heads off to karate (dropping d#1 off at yoga class on the way). Say’s “hi” to W at the karate school as she heads home with S#2.
Evening: Andy picks up d#1 and heads home where family is watching TV. S#2 is bouncing off the walls, and the other kids are all talking at once. W is exhausted. Goes to bed. Andy sends kids to bed and goes to bed himself.
Thursday
morning: Andy wakes up, makes coffee. Brings coffee to bed. W is groggy. Finally wakes up enough to drink coffee and engage in small talk. S#2 comes barreling out of his room and starts bouncing on the bed. Other kids enter. General mahem. Small talk ends. Andy goes to work.
Afternoon: Kids come home from school. W helps them with homework, etc. Then takes S#2 to karate. Waits for him to finish and returns home. Andy gets home from work, eats supper and heads off to karate.
Evening: W goes to kick. Andy say’s “hi” to W at the karate school as they pass in the hallway. Andy gets home and watches TV with the family. S#2 is bouncing off the walls, and the other kids are all talking at once. W returns home to this turmoil and is instantly exhausted. Goes to bed. Andy sends kids to bed and goes to bed himself.
Friday
morning: Andy wakes up, makes coffee. Brings coffee to bed. W is groggy. Finally wakes up enough to drink coffee and engage in small talk. S#2 comes barreling out of his room and starts bouncing on the bed. Small talk ends. Andy goes to work.
Afternoon: Kids come home from school. W helps them with homework, etc. Goes rollerblading with MF. Andy gets home from work, eats supper and chats with kids. W comes home.
Evening: Andy takes S#1 to karate. Andy drives d#2 to school dance (or a movie, or a friend’s house). The reset of the family watches TV. S#2 is bouncing off the walls, and the other kids are all talking at once. W is exhausted. Andy picks up S#1, d#2 (who isn’t where she was supposed to be) and heads home. W is already in bed. Exhausted. Andy sends kids to bed and goes to bed himself.
Saturday
morning: Andy wakes up, makes coffee. W tries (unsuccessfully) to sleep in. S#2 comes barreling out of his room and starts bouncing on the bed. W starts cleaning (dishes, floors, whatever). W’s friend picks her up to go to motorcycle course. Andy takes S#1 to karate, followed by his own karate course.
Afternoon: Andy, and S#1 return home. Putter around the house.
Evening: W returns. Andy tries to locate d#2 because it’s her turn to babysit. Andy picks up d#2 at friends, and procedes to friends house with W.
Sunday
morning: Andy wakes up, makes coffee. Hopes that he and W can do their “weekly” breakfast. But there’s no time. S#2 comes barreling out of his room and starts bouncing on the bed. W starts cleaning (dishes, floors, whatever). W’s friend picks her up to go to motorcycle course.
Afternoon: Andy putters around the house.
Evening: W returns. Family watches TV. S#2 is bouncing off the walls, and the other kids are all talking at once. W is exhausted. Goes to bed. Andy sends kids to bed and goes to bed himself.
So you see, Matilda. With all of the stuff going on, our girls actually do a lot of babysitting. There just doesn’t seem to be enough time (and energy) for us to be a couple. Things have improved by virtue of the fact that W includes me in some of her activities (e.g.: Saturday night with friends), but we can’t really add much time for ourselves without being away from the kids all of the time.
Greenbar… My kids have MEGA-character. S#2’s psychiatrist was giving us advice on how to handle him. D#1 was in tears because she felt that she wasn’t raising him properly. This is not something a 16 year old girl should be taking upon herself!
FS,
The problem with my dreams is that they include my W. We had common dreams, but she’s given up on them. My dream isn’t to tour around the country in a winnibego. It is (or was) to tour around the country with my W.
And, like I said, our girls do take care of our son. I don’t think we can add riding on top of that, and W wouldn’t be willing to give up any of her other “babysitting time” to make room for me. Especially going to friend’s place.
Darmar,
quote:Originally posted by darmar: I am starting to think that it is not so much what we do for W's and such but that they know deep inside that they are important and valued. For some this might mean flowers and candy for others trips and for the very few a knowing smile. What is it for you. And I have to keep telling myself what I think it is for W is much different then what W thinks it is for W.
That’s the crux of the matter. W is perfectly willing to give me what she wants (space and time) but has neither the time or energy to give me what I want. So, all I can do is to try to give her what she wants. Does that make sense?
Thought I'd check in with you. It sounds like you keep your hands full! But it is so important to do things for just the 2 of you in the midst of meeting everyone else's needs, although it's a juggling act most of the time. How good are you at juggling?
I guess the thing that comes to mind is to try in any small way to simply Be there for each other & to have fun together. It's always the simplest moments that are the happiest or the most fun. It doesn't have to be a grand plan. Be spontaneous, creative and try something new together. Hope you're doing well.
Butterfly effect. What if you changed the bounce environment? Would S#2 enjoy one of those little exercise trampolines (w lots of pillows around it for padding). Are there any other butterflies?
I liked the suggestion of the sidecar for the bike. Dreams. I had dreams of my life w H. We would retire and travel. I wanted us to go to Spain and Scotland. I wanted to travel to Maine and Washington State. Had to let them go, Andy. Paradiem shift. Don't have any any my pockets right now either. Sorta just watching H, wondering how it will be. He talks about when we retire we'll do this or that, go here or there. I let him dream alone right now cause I just don't have it in me to dream about the future while the present is so challenging. That fr a woman who knows the meaning of fatigue, it consumes you and puts you into a survival mode.
Does your wife like licorice? I hope so because that's one of the things that is good for your adrenals. You could buy some really good licorice products fr a health food store. However, licorice is not for someone who has high blood pressure.
I agree with you completely. It’s important for a couple to do things just for the two of them. Also, referring back to Matilda’s comment:
quote:Originally posted by matilda: And, let's face it, if it results in their parents being more relaxed and happier, they'll reap the benefits from that, too. You'll be leaving them a wonderful legacy if they see their parents affectionate and loving towards each other, HAPPY being together.
I couldn’t agree more. In fact, a coupla years ago, W was not doing enough for herself. I told her that her priorities should be:
1. Herself 2. Me 3. The kids
In that order!
My reasoning was that a happy household needs the mother to be happy. And, exactly as Matilda stated, if she (we) are happy as a couple, we not only provide our family with a stable, safe environment, but we provide them with a role model for their own future relationships.
Well, back then, she couldn’t bring herself to think this way. It finally came to the point where she got fed up taking care of the rest of us, and you all know the rest. She’s backed off a little in that she doesn’t only think of herself. But, the kids are her #2 priority, and I’m a very distant fourth place (she’s inserted her other friends ahead of me).
When she started distancing, I complained that we needed time alone together. Her response was that we had time together. We were in the same house on the weekends when we were doing housework, and we were together when we did things with other friends.
This is enough for her. If I want more, it intrudes on her own personal time.
Lily, though my chronology isn’t an exaggeration, I suppose it seems worse than the way I stated it. There are times when things aren’t so hectic. This morning, for example, the family left us alone for our morning coffee. Problem is that there’s not enough consistency to this for us to take advantage. Yes, we talked a little, but since W is so tired from the accumulation of stress, I feel like I’m intruding on her quiet time if I talk.
As to the sidecar… We’re wearing down our finances with the bikes. Don’t think we can afford one. In any case, W isn’t confident enough for passengers right now, and I’m not allowed to have ‘em.
But…
Yesterday wasn’t so bad.
I went for my written test (motorcycle), and passed. That doesn’t give me anything, really, except the right to take the practical part of the motorcycle course. After my test, we went and finished off the paperwork to buy W’s bike.
Got some time to joke around, which was nice (one of those oh so rare opportunities for the simple moments that Esperanza talked about).
Then, as usual, we went our separate ways (kick, karate, taxi services for d#2, etc.)
Just gotta keep going with the flow, and hoping that I can get some realistic dreams.
Well, the bike came in, and predictably, W went out. Don’t expect to see much of her for the next while, but I’m OK with that. After all, if the shoe were on the other foot, I certainly wouldn’t leave my bike sitting in the driveway.
As for my own riding, I won’t be able to take to the streets for at least another month, and even then, I’ll have to be accompanied. The other day, W joked that I’ll need her in order to ride. Guess I’m kinda hoping that by the time I’m road-worthy, she’ll deign to accompany me.
In any case, I think she appreciates the fact that I’m not moaning about her going riding without me. A 180? Perhaps. It’s certainly a 180 in her mind.
This morning, W was exhausted as usual. Without opening her eyes, she asked, “So, what do you want to talk about?” I think she needed her sleep more than I needed conversation, so I just left her alone.
We mothers always say that..we really want flowers though.. It will be interesting to see what my H does for mother's day. We are going out to dinner with MIL, my S, BILs and neice. I made the arrangements though as I want to honor MIL..(she is H's stepmother)..I suppose I made the arrangements so that I would not be hurt if H didn't make arrangements..pretty co dependant huh?...or is sit just protecting myself from the hurt??
I know exactly how you feel, Duchess. Remember my valentines day card fiasco?
Like I said, I used to give W flowers with a note saying something like "just because ILY". I continued to do this in our bad times, and she felt like it was pressure for her to return the sentiment.
When she asked about her bike, she mentioned that she wouldn't want any more presents (b-day, v-day, m-day, whatever).
So, I don't wanna do nothing, but I'll keep it small and simple.
[ May 10, 2002, 10:39 AM: Message edited by: ANS ]
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