Remember, regardless of the outcome, you will be OK. Don't let W's confusion become your confusion. Never stop growing and moving forward. W can catch up if she wants to. You are still DA MAN.
Thanks Kent, I know as a result of all this i will be better than Ok i will be the best person i have ever been. I have been re-discovering so much for my self lately. Kids, sprituallity, freinds, new experinces!
I backed off today and i was dim. No OR talks just friend/parent talk today. She talked about getting some new stuff for the house and re-painting the dinning room, since i installed a new light today. Also, i made plans with her brother today for our kids to get together next weekend. BIL and i get a long good and are friends. My W used to make all of these arrangemnts so this is a change for me.
My H never left our home. He does so many 'right' things which are indications that there's hope for the rekindling of those loving feelings toward me.
In our situation, the OW ended the relationship. She told H that "it wasn't working yada yada yada. . .we'll talk later." H used to keep saying that they'd be talking (hope springs eternal). We went through a crisis of the cell phone bill and her having surgery . W the cell phone, H said it wasn't personal conversation, just setting up who would pick up what for the coffee mess. It was hard to believe but then he was so upset when he told me that he'd found out after the fact that she'd had surgery. I asked him how he felt and he dropped a plate (he never drops things) and as he picked up the broken pieces he said, "I feel a sense of loss of control". At that point he seemed to go into a mild depression or funk which lasted for a month. Still no sign of that "we'll talk having or going to happen". It was about this time that I realized that the woman had dumped him! I guess I'd been in shell shock. Somewhere in here I set a boundary that there would be no more affairs. I was giving our R everything I had and would not be able to go through it twice.
Anyways, baby steps were made. C challenged him at one point, saying she thought he did love me. Huge steps backward. C didn't know that he done a private farewell to OW. At least, I have to consider it private cause he's supposed to tell me if they talk and he only had it logged in his book that he'd said good-bye and it hurt. Our books tell us that if S contacts OP then it sets recovery back to 0. I wish H had realized it was really over months ago but at least he's moving on now. I figure that it will be June before he will be able to put action to the verb and BE loving toward me.
I'd say get your W home asap. The sooner she can break fr OM the sooner her recovery can begin and progress. Figure the recovery to last approx as long as the A. The books say that the M relationship recovery equals 1 month for each year of M. I have no idea if these recovery periods overlap or if you have to complete the A recovery before the R recovery kicks in.
I know that the baby steps we've made have been positive. I know that the R talks occured on "her time". Now as I wait for him to look toward me, I am going to try to focus on me and feel like I'm done w the R talks. I am walking away from the past with my head up and fairly light-hearted. I want to be relaxed and cheerful and really upbeat as H goes through this last round of A recovery.
In all honesty, I still wonder "where" she is in all this. I can only hope that she has really moved on. I hope she's working on her marriage. If she isn't, and she's out of my marriage, then she's messing in someone elses.
Maybe when your W comes home, it will signal the end to the OM. He needs to move on. I'm thinking here that if your W ended the A then it would be healthy if she could say to the OM that he should move on, it was over.
JJ - Thanks, I'm realizing that it will be a long process. I also know now that part of my problem is that when she cracks the door just a little, i try to open it up the whole way - Too much pressure right now. I need to detach from the drama and play it cool. Not much new in my world. I have backed off the last few days and taking what she gives me. No talks, etc. I have been detached and working on myself and taking care of my kids. She talks about the future like we will be together so ....??? I feel like i have used a life time supply of patience. I am just trying to do things for myself and discovering how fun life can be for myself. Take care. With prayers Tim
I had a nice weekend. I went out with a friend last night and had a good time. I don’t know if I would call it a date but my W today asked how my “date” was last night. I told her I had fun and was out with a friend. She said I didn’t check your thread, but “I know you were out on a date last night”. She said “I’m not mad about it”. What do you make of this?
Spent time with the kids and my W today at church and then at a church Easter Egg hunt. It was nice. I have been taking care of myself and kids and taking each day as they come.
Here is my update. My W and I talked yesterday and she told me she is seeing the OM again, but told me she does NOT want to spend the rest of her life with him. She said she is not sure if she wants to spend the rest of her life with me but is growing more “fond of me”. I told her I have been being myself and she said that I seem more relaxed. She said she wasn’t sure if she could love like the C talked about – meaning mature love and not the fantasy of love. Truly knowing and loving someone with all of their faults.
She said she wanted to move back in at the end of the month and I told her that I didn’t want her moving back in if she was still seeing the OM. I know I might go against DBing but this is how I feel. I told her that it isn’t fair to her, me or the kids. She said that she is motivated to end it for good with the OM and hopes that her moving back in gives a clear signal to him that it is over. She then said that legally I couldn’t keep her form moving back in and I said that she was right. I told her that if I didn’t like it I guess could file for separation and custody of the kids. I told her that was not my intent, but that I was telling her form my heart how I felt. We didn’t get into a fight over it, we both just expressed our opinions. This was me not avoiding the conflict. Maybe not good Dbing but I had to stand my ground.
Tonight she told me that she was ending her lease at the end of the month and moving back in. I said Ok and I didn’t ask about what it meant or what was happening with her and the OM. It seems she will end it for good but needs to do it on her own schedule.
So for now I will continue to take care of myself and my kids. I will do the fun thing I have been doing and give her space. The hardest part is that I get not affection at all from her. No hugs, kisses, etc. Patience seems to be the key. I guess I view her moving home as a baby step. We have a long way to go, but she is “growing more fond of me”. She is not ready to work on the M yet as far as i can tell.
TW, Only two possibilities I can see. 1) She is interested in trying to reconcile. 2) She is trying to protect her custody rights by moving home. Right now it might kinda look like she abandoned her kids to a judge. Regardless, I hope your keeping a journal of all the goings on.
Kent, Thanks for checking on me. I hope that she is considering a reconciliation but I can’t push for it. It has to come from her. She misses her kids. I just gotta take one day at a time.
She started reading this BB about 2 months ago and came across my thread about 1 ˝ months ago. She said that reading the stories of fighting for love here on the BB and then reading my tread made her realize how amazingly strong I was and that as a result she would not let her M go. She also promised not to read my tread and I believe that she hasn’t. She has even reminded me a few times of how to DB. She said she was one of the ones hoping for a happy ending for me??? What do you think of this info?
Then why is she not home yet? What is going on in the C front? If her hope is for you to get what you want, it seems she should be pursuing a plan of reconcilliation. Somebody should!
She can't give up the addiction to the OM and does not have feelings of love for me. I can't live with her if she is still invovled with the OM. It would not be healthy for me or the kids. T
![[Cool]](images/icons/cool.gif){kind=icon}
