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#73695 03/22/02 12:57 AM
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Pretty much what Andy said.

K.I.S.S. [Smile]

Maybe it's just adjusting to the 180s. It's tough enough for us and we know we're doin em. Get discouraged when they act the same/step up the negative. Hard to wait it out.

I wonder ME2, do you feel different from when before? Before the A, after the A, after coming here, now? Because to me it seems as tho you're still pretty close to the same circles. I know I've had distinct, noticable changes throughout the process and was curious.

Hey Andy [Big Grin]

#73696 03/27/02 05:08 AM
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Hi Andy,

Just came to visit, take my shoes off, and rest my head for a few minutes.

I just erased an entire paragraph.

It was a bunch of wishful thinking and assumptions about H and me. Part of my control habit was I was forcing H to conform to my ideal of what a perfect marriage should be like. I seem to be living the 180 here as well as in the real world.

I have to go slowlee. Gracefully.

Erased more stuff. Geez.

Busy days in front of us.
We have CS tomorrow (duct tape packed), then the dress rehearsals and 2 Easter Cantada performances. Add to that D comes home and H and I are going to have D and S follow clues to their Chocolate Easter Bunnies---what fun! Family time on Sunday, then I think S will go for Driver's test next week.

I am amazed that this is happening! I hope to be over here by April.

Andy, I do not take any of this for granted. God is Working. I'm DBing in the wings.

#73697 03/27/02 08:58 PM
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Hi Andy- How is it that you manage to read my mind so well? You just said exactly what I need to do (again), and mind you-I know this too-it's just the doing it all the time part that I'm chasing my tail on....

"The tough part is accepting our spouse’s weaknesses" and may I also add 'accepting our own'

Now that I have had my eyes opened (wide) I understand what the weaknesses are, and even tho I knew about the procrastination before we were together (as a couple), I didn't think it would bother me so much. Once again, I am proven wrong.

Phoe-you ask an interesting question that I will try to answer, but probably need to sit and really hash-out how I feel now as compared to before A, after A but b/f DB and now with DB. Before the A I thought we were 2 of the lucky few. I thought we had a good marriage. Not great, we had our problems but hey, who doesn't? I always thought I could talk to him about anything and felt he thought he could talk to me as well. I noticed a change after the kids were born but we talked about it and unless he was outright lying to me, we both recognized how our lives would change and had already changed but we agreed to always to put the kids first-and still try and maintain the 'us' in OR. I believed in his fidelity above anything else he could have ever done. I never thought him capable of cheating on me. He has always been very jealous of me (he is almost 10 years older) and he always worried about me finding a 'younger stud'. When I was in the military and was usually the only female officer in a whole slew of men, rarely did I ever work with another female and while I had a few female soldiers, they were subordinate and could not be my "buddies". He was always jealous of me being around all those men (btw most-not all-men in the military are in really good physical shape and don't look all that bad in a pair of PT shorts). We had a number of arguments about how he felt I was flirting with all the men I worked with. I think this might be siginificant to his A b/c once in a C session he said that during his A he figured I was already cheating on him, so why shouldn't he? C asked him if he had any proof that I was cheating and then suggested that maybe he was trying to justify his A by thinking that way. So then I (rather loudly) pointed out- how could I have been? I was in a new state, new house, new job, 2 dogs, freshly moved-in-to and yet unpacked house, caring for 2 kids under the age of 5....like I had TIME to cheat on him....not to mention the fact that since I met my H, I have not met another man I'd consider being intimate with-the desire for that just isn't inside me-HE is who I want.

Ok, about half way through his deployment I find out about him 'chatting' with a woman on line-he lies for almost a year saying he'd never met her, it was just friends-just someone to talk to-nothing sexual, claims he didn't even know what she looks like, met her in a chat room and that she lived in CA. It was all BS. I knew it was a EA/PA but couldn't prove it. I was miserable during that time. Did all the wrong non-DB things. I had gone to see a solution-based C after I found out while he was still deployed and it helped some, but I never got to the point where I trusted him about the whole thing and it was slowly ripping me apart. Since he wasn't here he couldn't go to C with me, it was all about how I could deal with what he told me vs. what I believed to be true. How not to snoop and how he deserved the benefit of the doubt, how to start taking care of and focusing on me and the boys....Accepting what they tell you when you know in your heart it's BS was something I never did master. Even after the deployment was over he acted like everything was fine and that it was all in my head-I was the one with the problem.

I found out the whole truth about the A 7 November 2000, about 6 months after he got home. Happy voting day to me. (yes I did still vote) It was about 2 months or so after that when I found DB. I was a mess for those 2 months. I could not keep it together for more than a few hours. I often had to leave work and just go sit in my car and cry or scream. We spoke VERY little, but we did go back to my same C at his request-which helped.

So here I am now, almost 14 months post DB and where am I?

Most days I'm fine and we are ok, not perfect, but just ok-like before A. But there are other days....I know I still have a lot of anger inside of me-after this last melt-down, he now knows it too. I told him I was afraid that he'd wake up one day and realize that I'm not really worth it after all and he'll bolt. I don't trust him. I don't think he's got an OW now or has had another OW since his A and I know he stopped seeing her and stopped all contact with her when he said he did (she confirmed this to me-AND apologized to me as she didn't know he was married). I have a lot of unresolved issues. Accepting that they will likely never be resolved is probably the best way to describe where I'm at right now. I can't seem to do that. I know how to tell myself to do this, let it go, give it to God, truly forgive, accept his weaknesses and my own...I know what the books say and I even carry a copy of the Serenity Prayer with me...but....

....but....(always HAS to be that dam but, huh.)

thanks for the rant!

L

[ March 27, 2002, 04:01 PM: Message edited by: Me2 ]

#73698 03/30/02 12:52 AM
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You know sweetie, I would love it if you would paste that last post on a new thread here. Really. That would be something new for you and I think it would be something that would be worth your while.

Your heart still hurts a lot. How do you think you can effect change there without pounding him or putting yourself in line for more of the same?

Hey Andy. Sorry to take over your thread. I hope things are well in your world. I did print that quote and I do read it. Sometimes it's tougher than others but thanks again.

#73699 04/02/02 06:06 PM
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I know....I know I should....have my own thread that is, it'd keep me from butting my way in on everyone elses (and...there's that "but" again!).

Thanks for the support Phoe-and of course Andy et al.

I will think about it, I promise. It just doesn't feel right having my own. Like I'm to the point where I shouldn't need one, y'know? Apparently, I do....

But not today-and probably not for the next week or so, my youngest is getting his tonsils out tomorrow....been sick-poor little guy. Gonna go focus on mom-stuff for a week or so.

I'll be back....

L

#73700 04/03/02 08:06 PM
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Time for an update.

I’m not quite sure where to begin. What’s this thread called? Oh yeah, Burying the past.

Some people took exception to the title. Perhaps Kent was more accurate when he told me that I should let it (the past) go. Anyway, bury it or let it go… semantics. My problem is that I want to leave the past in the past, but somehow couldn’t get W’s mind out of the past.

A recent development illustrates my point, and happily, I think shows some headway.

For awhile now, W has been drooling over motorcycles. I’ve always wanted us to get bikes when we could afford them. It’s always been a future dream of mine – for both of us. But, it seems to have turned into something between her and MF (he’s getting one).

Well, a couple of weeks ago, she informed me that she’s been saving for one. Has almost $1,000 saved. Fine. I can swallow that. Maybe by the time she can afford one, she’ll deign to discuss her dreams and maybe even include me in them.

This weekend, she asks S#1 and me to go look at the bikes at the local dealership. Nice. I guess maybe she’s starting to allow me into the club. We can go and drool at bikes together. Well, while we’re there, she keeps saying, “So, do we buy it now?” I thought she was joking around, but on the way home, she asks me how she should pay for it, (our) line of credit, or does she (me) take out a loan. I had no answer so she asked, “Don’t you want any input on it?” I told her that frankly, I don’t think we can afford it yet, but if she’s going to go ahead, it doesn’t matter to me how she (me) pays for it.

We later discussed payment options. I was determined not to get in her way. 20 rolls of duct tape!

I couldn’t believe that she’d unilaterally decide to make a major purchase like this for herself without even mentioning it to me. She just presented it to me as a done deal. Whatever happened to her assertion that we could “talk about anything. The lines of communications are always open.”?

So. Again, I sucked it in.

Well. This morning, she asked me if I felt like she was going after the bike behind my back. I said, “kinda.” She told me that in view of the way things were this summer (between us), she didn’t feel like she could talk to me about it. She said it had become a dream of hers and she thought I would resist it all the way. She said she was “pleasantly surprised” when I didn’t.

D’ya think she’ll finally bury the perception that I’m an impediment to her happiness? Can she bury that part of our past?

I’m hoping that this incident will prove to her that she can bury/let go of the past. Even this past summer.

BTW, Fille. Remember how you laughed when I commented that I was usurping someone else's (tree’s?) thread? Right back at ya [Big Grin]

Andy


Andy
#73701 04/05/02 08:05 AM
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Andy,

I've been looking for your story & here you are. Sounds like it's been interesting. I'm always amazed at the different things everyone comes up with to handle things, manytimes in ways that wouldn't ever occur to me. Just wanted to stop in since you've been visiting over on my thread. I've had a few new interesting developments lately. Hope things are well with you.

#73702 04/06/02 03:28 AM
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HI Andy,

Just wanted to say hello...re your last post, I hope it is a step for your wife. That would be nice.

I always come by and check out your thread...don't usually post as most of your visitors (and yourself) seem to have pretty deep posts and I don't feel that I have the same experience as some others....but I do come by and keep tabs on you.

Keep up the good 'duct tape' job!

#73703 04/07/02 07:20 PM
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Wow Andy..love the way you handled the motorcycle incident.I love that she was pleasantly surprised.

This reminds me of a time about 3 months after discovery of H's A.(Pre DB) He wanted to go out and buy a convertible. I flipped out.. my approach was "No you've had an A..now you have to do penance and so you can't drive around in what some might consider a babe magnet!!"..( I didn't use the word penance but you get the picture)..how controlling of me..YUC!!..he dropped it..didn't buy the car..

Funny 'cos I've got it in my head now that I want to rent a convertible find some hills and/or coastline and drive up and down 'em. [Big Grin]

Duchess

[ April 07, 2002, 03:20 PM: Message edited by: Duchess ]

#73704 04/09/02 02:01 PM
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Sunday, I asked W if the proposed motorcycle was for her exclusive use. This opened a whole can of worms about her “right to have things of her own.” She said that she saved the money on her own, and that if I want a bike, I should save my money. She also said that she doesn’t think it’s right that I take the bike course now. I should save my money. All I could think was “Yes, you saved enough money to buy a good helmet. What about the bike, insurance, shed that we’ll have to build, leather… ca-ching!”

I said that she saved money w/o telling me, and decided to make a major purchase w/o consulting me. From her point of view, she lucked out by already having her license, and why shouldn’t she now use the money for a bike. She retracted her “pleasant surprise.” Guess she felt that nothing’s changed. She also said that she felt that I was waiting for her to change, and that it won’t happen. She also stated that this was just another example of me hiding my feelings.

Last night, she told me that I should take the course whenever I want.

Huh?

She said that she was just being selfish when she said I should wait.

Y’know? I think that – in a sense – I am waiting for her to change, but not in the way she thinks. I also think that, despite what she said, she is changing. She’s starting to consider my POV.

But, the whole bike-course thing may be moot anyway. My practice lead at work is trying to get me back on the infamous project from hell (sigh)


Andy
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