Well, the roller coaster ride has brought me to my 5th thread.
I started posting my story in newcomers on Andy's Story which describes my struggles to break out of the rut by becoming the person, husband and father that I thought I was.
I made a lot of headway there, but realized that my efforts were still being misinterpreted. I was still Struggling with Perceptions.
The latest development was that after a 3-month hiatus, we decided that it was time to be more direct. We had another OR talk. Then another. As usual (for me), this brought out wild emotional swings as I tried to understand W’s perception and make her understand mine.
She gave me a litany of actions (mine) that have consequences (her word) today. She insists that she doesn’t resent these things or blame me for our current sit, but is only trying to make me understand how we got to where we are.
She has the perception that I have unresolved issues which she can’t identify, but that I need to resolve.
However, we both agree that we’ve stopped the adversarial posturing that we engaged in previously. We both feel like we’re on the same team, and as such, we should keep the lines of communications open.
We don’t agree whether or not we can bury the past. I think we must. I’ll have to convince her somehow.
Burying the past. Well, I don't know how to do that. In my sit, i am trying to get my W to think about the past,and all the good times we have had. But, then again, I'm trying to get her to see that the bad times really weren't so bad. And they weren't.
She says that she can't remember the good times, adn that she knows there haven't been hardly any bad times. When we went to the C together, he told me that W has said that I am a remarkable man, and that any woman would want me in their life. She can't figure out why she doesn't want me to be intament with her. She has a lot of things to look at in her life that led to this point, and she is definitly looking now.
I haven't read up on all your threads yet, trying to do a little everyday. d2
When I say burying the past, of course, I’m talking about the bad stuff. I guess I’m taking that slant on it because my W is currently trying to make me aware of all of the krap I laid on her. I can’t make her bury it. That has to come from her. On the other hand, there’s not much I can do to make her think about the good times either.
I think that she felt fortunate when people did like your C. There were people who told her that I was remarkable, too. At some point, she took up with some male-bashers, who showed her the error of her ways. I also went through a depression, which confirmed this view and turned some of my supporters into detractors.
I’m not, nor have I ever been perfect. I’ve come to realize that I’ve made waaaaaaaaaaaaay too many mistakes. I’ve 180’d all over the place and W has noticed. Though she can’t admit it, she just can’t leave the pre-180 days behind. Nor can she see the positives of the pre-180 days.
Actions speak louder than words. I’ve changed my actions and they’ve been noticed. I feel it’s now time to augment the actions with words.
We’ve progressed to the point where we can discuss things. She wants to discuss things.
ANS, please don't take this as my being rude, but I'm wondering if maybe you'd be happier with your R if you didn't analyze everything quite so much. What do you think? Please don't take this as a critisism as I tend to do this myself. I think one can drive oneself crazy trying to figure out what is going on in their spouse's mind. My H has no clue himself, so why should I drive myself crazy? Maybe this doesn't apply in your case.Just a thought...Hope I didn't offend you.
Bury it? Maybe! How about starting by letting it go. I can atest that it's not always easy. Those nights when I lay awake in bed, sometimes, the past creeps back in.
I'm not sure if there is alot of benefit to discussing it with W unless she wants to vent about it. You can practice active listening without getting sucked in.
I agree with Rayanne. Ya gotta let go and stop thinkin too much. This gets easier as things improve in your R. Force yourself for now.
You are absolutely right. W must learn to let go on her own. All you can do is set the loving example.
I'm in a similar boat. However, I view it a little different. W and I do not get alot of time togather. The time we do get I choose to spend having fun and offering affection. W is not in a position to return in same. For now, I choose to appreciate the fact that she tries. Her mind is so busy with trying to define her own sense of identity. W is back in school at night and has started a gardening business. She works two part time jobs as well as taking care of business at home.
If your W really wants to pursue OR talks, why not find yourself a good C to faciitate things and keep a positive direction. I would also recommend one of Micheles KLA seminars (getaway weekend) and/or Retrovaille. If your gonna talk OR, keep it focused on the future.
I know all about the waiting game my friend. Been at it Since Oct of 2000. You survive by finding joy in other places. It does not mean you pull away from W. It only means you take care of yourself.
I'm tryin to talk my brother into another fishin trip to Park City in the Spring. I hope to be walking by then and I can already feel the trout hittin my fly. This is what I call takin care of me. I am also planning to build that rose garden this spring. The one I always put off to spend the $ on higher priorities. This is the year my friend.
Start small buddy. Doing stuff for you will feel strange at first.
quote:Originally posted by KentS 08-15-2001 08:09 PM onAndy's Story: Are you my brother-in-law? Our W's could be sisters. I had similar experience after 7 years of M. I ended up in the same hole you did.
But though our paths have been different, I don’t think our views are as different as may appear in my posts. I do choose to spend my time with W having fun and offering affection. And, if one thing has changed, it’s that W has fun with me.
That leaves affection.
I offer it. She rejects it. Why? Well, my W considers the past 10 years of our 22+ year relationship to have been on my terms and my terms alone, and as the title of my thread implies, I think that that aspect of our past has to be buried. I cannot bury it for her. Only she can do that.
quote:Originally posted by KentS: I know all about the waiting game my friend. Been at it Since Oct of 2000. You survive by finding joy in other places. It does not mean you pull away from W. It only means you take care of yourself.
Funny. I’ve been at it since Oct of 2000, too. Of course, I wasn’t doing a very good job of it since that’s when my depression started, but even before I discovered DB, I found out that I couldn’t push things. Also, since I was depressed, I couldn’t find joy in anything. But, that’s changed too. I do take care of myself. If I didn’t, then I most certainly wouldn’t be posting in the piecing forum!
So, the waiting game continues. The most recent development is that W has indicated that she considers us to be on the same team. She says she’s open to suggestions, and wants to keep the lines of communications open.
What I have to figure out is how to make my needs known to her w/o looking like I’m trying to get OR back on my terms.
The waiting game doesn’t finish with a siren or a referee’s whistle. It has to fade out, along with the bad memories of that past.
I hope I finally have something to offer you, Andy. Gary Chapman wrote "The Five Languages of Love". It's an easy read and has quite a few words of practical advice. Dr. Harley's "10 emotional needs" is similar but not quite the approach my H and I need. Please look at it and I hope it will help you figure out how to make your wife feel loved enough that she can 'get past her hold on the past'.
I can't seem to shake the cobwebs I'm feeling from our trip to Florida. I need coffee and chocolate and sugar and my pillow. I missed our waterbed so-o-o-o-o much. I guess I'll level out in a day or so.
Good luck in your communicating in her love language!!!!!!!!!!
Hi guys...finally back...it finally got me - and how. Family has been sick for darn near 3 weeks, thought I'd been spared....anyway -
Been thinking about your OR talks Andy, and I dunno if it's just me or if anyone else noticed that it sounded a whole lot like the last one y'all had....and it sure sounds like she's still blaming you and even tho she says she does not resent you, I beg to differ.
************************************* "She gave me a litany of actions (mine) that have consequences (her word) today. She insists that she doesn’t resent these things or blame me for our current sit, but is only trying to make me understand how we got to where we are.
She has the perception that I have unresolved issues which she can’t identify, but that I need to resolve." *************************************
She keeps bringing up the same things...and I know you will say "rightly so", but I also know you have to agree that at some point, she needs to get over it. (OMG, did I just say that?-if that isn't like the pot calling the kettle black, eh Kent??!!) I ALSO know that you know that you cannot do it for her. No one can.
I hate to say this, but does your W know just how lucky she is? To have you, I mean. I know it has not always been a picnic with you - and some times it downright SUCKED...but here's the thing....YOU DID NOT CHEAT ON HER. You may have ignored, pulled away from, resented, made her feel useless and not needed....but, at least IMHO, I feel that those are not nearly as bad as broken vows, your spouse having sex with another, or your spouse telling another person 'ILY', and etc. etc.
I know it is in no way my 'job' or even my business to sound as if I'm belittling how your W. I do not mean to and I am sure she is more than justified in how she feels, as you have attested to many times, but I just hope she knows what she has, and could have....before she no longer has it.
To that end, I give you credit Andy. Credit for being faithful and not bailing out, I am also sorry if I sound cynical here, but you are a rare breed (and you Kent). Sure, the grass is always greener, I know. I know there are a lot of people who would trade what I've been through (A) with what they've been through (abuse...).
Just wanted to get that out there.
L
p.s. btw guys, I also know that you are not perfect either....didn't mean to make it sound as if you were blameless, cause I know (all too well-just by looking at myself) that you are not.
