Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 12 1 2 3 4 11 12
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 1,785
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 1,785
Nice digs tree..

Actually..I don't need a rubber band to stop me doing the OR talks..I have you

In 3 months I've instigated 2 & half ..but honestly it would have been more if I didn't have this vision of you going for 9 months with none AND the tension that went along w that.

I am not sure I will be able to do that but at least today I will.

Thankyou for you.

Duchess

[ January 28, 2002: Message edited by: Duchess ]


Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 955
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 955
Tree,
I finally had time to track your latest down. Thanks for your support. I'm still being as dark as I can be. There is new news on my thread about the days events. Could always use such valuable imput such as yours.
Thanks so much,
Sweet Orange aka Tangerine Girl


sweet orange
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 1,993
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 1,993
Hi ya, Treesa!

If I receive a certain V Day card which I saw w H's stuff then I will be moving over to this thread.

Do you still have the sense of walking on eggshells w your R? I don't feel that sensation so I guess that's good. . .don't need any eggy messes underfoot in the new digs, eh?

About OR talks. My H thinks things are moving in the right direction when we talk. Goes to show how much he missed the intimacy of communication w me. For us the OR turn out to be a benefical 180. He initiates them MOSTLY.


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,694
ANS Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,694
lily,

tree,



Andy
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 475
M
Me2 Offline
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 475
The dreaded OR talk....

I have really become scared and feeling like I could vomit at the thought of one of those. I have not initiated one since....oh....early Dec, and then it was more PMS and me going off the deep end than anything else.

I actually had this silly notion that at some point once I stopped initiating - I mean really STOPPED initiating, that he would step up and be the initiator. So far that has not happened...I have asked a few times I felt he was being distant and cold if there was anything bothering him - he of course said "no"...so I let it go.

I wonder if we'll ever have an OR talk again? I'm starting to think that if left up to him, we will not. Boy, I bet he'd be surprised to find out what's really going on inside my head...or then again, maybe he wouldn't....OR he just finds it easier not to be bothered.

It's been so long w/o an OR talk...ok, well maybe not THAT long, but for me, it's long...I really don't think I want to have one any time soon. I like my thoughts being just mine. I don't think anything he could say would change the way I feel...(unless he admitted to another A-whole different story). I guess since I shared SO much w/ H over the years, too much as it would turn out, that it became overwhelming for him. I am a pretty strong personality...been called "bossy" throughout most of my elementary school years...besides, like I said above, I doubt he really does want 'in' like I thought (and he said) he did.

I don't know whether to be saddened by this 'loss' or happy because I am ok with it?

L

p.s. hey Lilly-what did you do besides stop initiating that made your H start?


Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 2,990
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 2,990
It's nice to see some new faces in this forum. Good work on your hard one victory. May they keep coming.

K


Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 1,993
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 1,993
Treesa, got any spring water or coffee, I'm thirsty!

Me2. I don't know where my H got his ideas about what happens when one party asks for a D. I work at home and I get the idea that out there in the world there is a very Divorce Friendly Faction that must get together and talk about the bombs they've dropped or plan to drop. From the beginning I have NOT reacted the way he had it figured. While we were in critical mode he rode guard on me to make sure I was okay. The first day I was alone I fell apart (you try watching8 kids and go through this mess). I swore to myself that I would go through this w dignity, strength and competence. (C told me I was one classy lady). I never let him see me at my weakest or angriest or scardiest. We had some really good foundation talks. Then I encountered the cell bill terror. I called her H and found out some stuff. I was a bowl of jello when I came to the bb but H never knew. As time past,the DBers on the bb coached me and I made myself stop my ILYs and I don't call him on the phone to chat. If I had a question that would help me get off the emotional rollercoaster faster I would ask him . There were a few times when I overstepped and got burned but sometimes the truth hurts. When I realized he'd been dumped I also figured out that he was also probably MLC so it was natural to just back off and be supportive and not intrusive. He is just lately beginning to relax and seem to accept that my forgiveness and acceptance is for reals. Which makes it ripe for him to bring up OR. Mind you I refuse to ask if he's starting to care etc.

What is sweet to me is that I am seeing the old me bloom again. Our dance of conflict through the years was so inhibiting of the girl he was smitten with so many years ago. Would you believe that in H.S. I was voted Best Personality 2 years in a row? My compassion and nonjudgement is surfacing again and there are times when I feel bubbly. This just can't be due to my thyroid meds being balanced either. Naw. The man is curious. . . SLOWLEE SLOWLEE CATCHEE MONKEE.


Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 2,211
treesa2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 2,211
Hey folks... so I tested my H a bit this past week. Not sure if this was good or bad.

I had not been feeling 100% and figured I had some kind of infection of the plumbing variety. My interest in sex was... rather low because of this. H.. slides into bed and the first night I had been fast asleep and he attempted to wake me up... I did the dead fish thing and he left me alone.
Next night he came to bed a little earlier but I faked it that night.
Next morning he initiated again and I said... not today Hon. ALL THE WHILE I am waiting for him to ask me WHY NOT? But does he.... NOOOOOOOOO
Worse... he did this petulant child thing and turned his back to me and wouldn't let me touch him. Is this pride? ego ? what? I saw the doctor on day three who confirmed my suspicions and I am now on meds to deal with that, and feeling a bit better already!
I told him about the infection after I got home with the prescription and two hours at the doc's office and he said nothing, nada, not a word... except for a little humour about the kind of meds I was on...

So... OR talk just on this point alone... not going to happen. I guess my little test - seeing if he would ask "what's wrong" bombed ... he didn't. and he won't. What IS that about anyway??? If he can't come down to what I consider a basic kind of thing... HOW will we ever make progress elsewhere? sheeesh...

So MEE define OR talk for me... what you are talking about doesn't sound like OR as much as every day communication. If ORs make him turn into the antiHusband... why would you want to go there?
I think, like me who avoids OR at all costs in spite of all my rambling right this moment.. there is a FEAR of not wanting to hear negatives about US... or HIM... OR=BAD so... we puke and lose weight and assume instead. also not good... but less bad than ORs Does THIS make ANY sense???

I find that talking ABOUT the relationship just doesn't do it for me... what's the point? How does it solve anything... It seems that action or change of action is more obvious...

I do want MORE... there are just times when I do NOT know what that "more" is??

So action instead of talk for now... My H is here.. he keeps coming around, he talks more, he wants to know where I am... most of the time... but he steps back a bit too... so I figure ( or assume?) we are moving forward.... sort of.

Andy what's with the ?????

Lil.... you're getting there too. coffee's in pot... help yourself. Sugar in the cupboard and cream or milk in the fridge? How about a two bite brownie? Or drop by the Duchess place for tea... although I hear rumours that the drinks trolley is coming around shortly

[ February 07, 2002: Message edited by: treesa2 ]


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,694
ANS Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,694
quote:
Originally posted by treesa2:
Andy what's with the ?????

I was just razzing you about the fact that we often come out on opposite sides of the OR talk issue, and it worked for lily.

As to YOUR foray into the OR talk arena...

Tree, I just gotta say that you approached it all wrong.

OR talks are not tests. You were trying to elicit a reaction out of him and it backfired on you.

I think it would have been better if you simply told him about the infection. If he feels akward talking about plumbing things, how do you think he felt when he found out that he reacted like a jackass without having this little bit of info?

As to the fear factor. You're absolutely right. None of us wants to hear negatives about ourselves or OR. You don't and he doesn't. And that's the barrier (remember the wall?) to the intimacy we want.

In theory, OR talks bring us close together. We all know that this is a load of krap. When we concentrate on the negatives, it does anything BUT bring us close together.

So, the way to handle OR talks is to keep everything above board, and to keep it short. The idea is to learn from it without generating a negative "aura" around the R.

Gotta go now. I don't know if I articulated this properly, but ya know I luv ya tree.

TTFN,
Andy



Andy
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 955
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 955
Hi Tree, Thanks for the post.
I think I actually have something to contribute here. I have been on the other side of the you are supposed to know what I want because you love me. I have to say as powerful as love is it has not successfully made me a mind reader.
I have been going through almost a year of "tests" without knowing what the right answer is. It hurts to be in this position. Not sure where you H is coming from, just speaking to what I feel.
I think it is a natural tendency to expect others to be able to understand our needs, but we have to tell them what they are to give them the chance.
I do really appreciate your support on my thread. Hope you don't mind me shotting you down.
Later,
SO aka TG


sweet orange
Page 2 of 12 1 2 3 4 11 12

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard