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Tree, consider counseling for your son. That may help.
You may need to balance the GAL stuff with the "Love your Son" stuff for a while. I spoke with my individual counselor about taking care of the kids through this time, and she had some great advice, some of which was not intuitive for me. Like... she suggested I "make them" talk. They really really want to talk, need to talk, but are afraid to. So I have to start the conversation.

Sort of like what you would do with drugs, alcohol, sex, and that kind of thing. They want to talk about it but don't know how to bring it up themselves. The issues in your marriage are the same. So my counselor suggested that I gently but firmly bring up the topic - make sure they know it is ok to talk about. If they resist, then I need to wait a while and bring it up a different way.

And she was right.

anyway, think about asking your own counselor about this.


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Zebra, you wrote:
Quote:
What I meant if after a certain point, if LBS reaches and successfully maintains a level of loving detachment, it's possible that WAS will begin to think they may have lost LBS and regret it. They may then become concerned that they cannot get back even if they want to and become very squirrely about that.

I am not sure if I am deluding myself or not, but this is exactly what I thought as I observed my wife over the last 8-10 weeks.

When I started working on the divorce - when I accepted it and dropped the rope and started asking more firmly about time with the kids, about separate budgets - that is when her tone to me changed. I started to say things like "I know this is what you want and I want you to be happy. We'll get through this and you'll get what you've wanted." Before the switch she was adamant: "We are getting a divorce, just face it!" After the switch she was at first more gentle yet vague and non-dismissive: "I know you want things to work out here..."

But then she got angrier, much angrier - stopped all phone conversations. Then stopped all communications with the protection order. And then it has been all downhill of course. Every interaction is through lawyers. I had to drop off my kids' valentines at her lawyer's office (I was prohibited from seeing them). She castigated me for giving them Valentines. She was indignant - "Why are you doing that!? You never did THAT before!" Well, gee, could it be that I never gave them Valentines gifts because you were always the one doing that? And I thought we were a couple? And now that I am out of the house I want to maintain a relationship with them? It's wacky. Really. Nothing I do is ok.

If I hadn't given them a Valentine, she would castigate me for abandoning them, for not caring. I did give them valentines, so she crucifies me for ... ? caring?

I think we have a third player on the field here, influencing the action. She belongs to a DV support group, who I think she meets with regularly. I think they are her support in dissolving this marriage. This is the crew other people have called the SSW's. Single or Separated Women.

Gee, am I so glad she found new friends.

Not.


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That sucks SPM. It's a bit out of my experience, but yes, it does sound like outside influence. I never saw it quite that nasty, personally. My experience was that agreeing with my W caused her to put the D attorney on hold and agree to a final attempt to work out the marriage.

SSW are like vampires. Can't wait to find new victims... err, inductees. I'm mind reading here, but the idea of the finality may have hit her very hard and frightened her. Anger is a common manifestation of fear. It's also possible the lawyer is driving the bus. I hate lawyers. Well, I hate aggressive divorce attorneys anyway.

Any way, it sucks, and I wish I could offer more than just good words to you.

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Thanks for the support Z. I didn't mean to hijack Tree's thread here. I just wanted to underscore what I saw in my wife. I saw this before I read your description of it. Sure seems like it fits to me. She's just really ticked.

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My wife got ticked when I came home from soccer (S12) at 9PM & got dressed and went out. I had a great time with some buddies I have not seen in a long time but she was mad when I left. First she was like don't you have an early flight and you should stay home and then she was down right ticked that I was going out to GAL around. Sorry, I had fun.

She was going to go out but I quess her plans got cancelled. I think she is running out of friends to hang on the bar stoll with. Maybe she is finding that life is not greener on the other side.

Did I do anything wrong. When I got home at 11:00 she was pretending to text in her room so I would get mad . No way baby.

Off to Colorado, see ya later.

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Good for you Tree.
You're not doing stuff just to tick her off, you're doing stuff for you, and it's not your concern whether she is happy or unhappy about it. Good for you.

Bring back some stories from CO.


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That's right SPM. When I got home she was trying to tick me off by being in her room and texting but I was not biting. Later she very pleasently said what time are you leaving tomorrow, goodnight and have fun.

Did I play it right?

Tree

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BT - You did ok....

Like I told you, next Saturday night, if I am not home, hang out with me until 4AM. We will stink of cigars and booze. She will smell you from a mile away.

Now that's a fu**ing 180!!

Also.... Don't get out of bed the next day until noon.

Shake it up baby

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I thought you were going home Friday?

You should have seen the look on her face when I got dressed up and told her I was going out at 9PM. She almost sh**. You know me I am a home body that likes to go to bed at 10PM. She was like "don't you have to be up early, you can't go out" Yadayadayada.

I was on my way down to meet you guys but stopped at the club and hung out there until 11ish.

What do you think. How am I doing?

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Had a great night sleep last night. No hassles no nagging. No Contact or anything. Just talked to my S12 and that's it.

Go ing out skiing now and GALing, Can't wait.

My W is still pissed I went out and GALed Wednesday night.

What do you think?

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