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GavinO Offline OP
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Bump \:\)


Me: 30
W: 31
T: 9.5 yrs
M: 4 Yrs
No Kids, 1 cat
Had a bad year
Turmoil started 22/Jan/08
Seperated, same house 30/Jan/08
Wanted D: 2/Feb/08
Going downhill and towards D with nothing stopping her!
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 76
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GavinO Offline OP
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Any advice or guidance is appreciated as I am unsure of what to do or how to read the signals. So far nothing else has come of the divorce papers and she seems to have backed out of moving out and there have been some more positive things (more time together, sitting together her going out slightly less etc) but there has been no physical contact for 7 weeks and does not seem to be any move to resolve our relationship.

The main positives have only been fairly recent

I am not sure what to do, am I trying to run before I can walk, is it comming together and I'm not seeing it or what.

I am confused and woudl appreciate the 'outside looking in' view as it will help.

Cheers

Gavin


Me: 30
W: 31
T: 9.5 yrs
M: 4 Yrs
No Kids, 1 cat
Had a bad year
Turmoil started 22/Jan/08
Seperated, same house 30/Jan/08
Wanted D: 2/Feb/08
Going downhill and towards D with nothing stopping her!
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 126
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Gavin,
I'm pulling for you bud. You can do it. It sounds like there are good days and bad days but you have to look at your trend. It's gong up. She may even try to divorce you just for effect. Stay strong, don't react. Be that rock in her life but don't be overbearing. Keep up the good work. I wouldn't worry about the physical part, it will come. Your sacrifices will pay off. You are stronger than primordial urges. You are a TRUE man. I would trade spots with you in an instant regarding the status of your R. Don't get discourages.

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Hi Germ, thanks for the encouragement, I spoke with W briefly this eve, she can't move to her parents due to space but she said that she will sort something out.

There doesnt seem to be any movement or remorse or second thoughts or anything and if i'm honest I am getting very resentful, how she can just chuck it all in without a second thought about us and everything that we stood for.

I asked her if she wanted to do dinner on Sunday (as in us together not her cooking lol) and she was indifferent and said she doesn't know her plans. She asked if I was going out tomorrow I said no and asked her, she said she had no plans, I asked if she wanted a chilled one (together) and she said maybe but was a bit indifferent still. She is out Saturday and is at a party (drungs and booze probably) and she said she will share a bed with a girlfriend as its safe.

I am getting p!ssed off with the lack of everything from her and I am thinking of doing an extreme 180 and chucking our wedding pics in the bin, dropping my household payments by 1/3, marching her to her solicitors to get an agreement done there and then, packing her stuff and telling her to F*ck off.

Some of you have the occasional positive from them wanting to do something with the M, I have had nothing like that and to be fair it is an overreaction to a bad year. But there is NOTHING from her to indicate that she wants to do anything.

I want to save it but for f*ck sake she could at least throw a bone!!!!!!

I don't know how much longer I can keep going with practically nothing from her part of me thinks I should just go and find someone else and leave her to her miserable b4stard life if that is what she wants.

Its not what I want but it takes 2 to at least try and make a go of it, perhaps if I force her hand it may come good, maybe I just move out and start a new life without her and let the house get reposessed and we lose everything (won't get much from a D settlement anyway).

Really am frustrated and looking for a reason to keep bangng my head against a brick wall with no give.


Me: 30
W: 31
T: 9.5 yrs
M: 4 Yrs
No Kids, 1 cat
Had a bad year
Turmoil started 22/Jan/08
Seperated, same house 30/Jan/08
Wanted D: 2/Feb/08
Going downhill and towards D with nothing stopping her!
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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I think maybe one reason you have not received more responses than you have is that people just don't know what to say other than what has already been said. The girl is in crisis. She is self destructing before everyone's eyes and nobody seems to be helping her. She is taking drugs, drinking, and having sex (?) but not sure cause she can't remember?

You are expecting some kind of magic to happen and it isn't going to b/c she is in bad shape. This is not the more normal (if there is any) WAW b/c of what has brought this on. Her excuses doesn't hold water b/c she is searching for some reasons to give you for being a bad H. You say you have been a good H except for one year (if I read correctly). If this is not normal behavior for your W, why in heaven's name has somebody not helped her? It sounds like she needs an intervention program.

You are very, very angry with her and I don't know that you are in the right frame of mind to work with her on healing the MR right now......I'm not blaming you for being angry, but I am just saying that I personally believe she needs medical attention before you can put the M back together. Who knows what all she may be taking when she goes out to these "parties"? Doesn't her family see that she is on a downward spiral and despartely needs help?

This is just MHO, but I think you could work on yourself till the cows came home and it won't change her mind about the M until she gets the right kind of help. I also think you have been too focused on the wrong things about the stitch. Perhaps I did not state that very well. I just mean that you are so frustrated that you have gotten to the place you can't think straight. Both of you need somebody from the outside to come in and help you. But, I am very concerned for her. She must receive help soon before it's too late.




It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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GavinO Offline OP
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Hi Sandi, thanks for your reply.

She seems to have calmed down on the drugs and drinking somewhat (she is out on Sat for a smoke) and I doubt very much about the sex thing, I think it was just a hurtful comment. There is no one else at this time.

She just seems set on it and thats it and just cannot be bothered/doesn't want to sort it out. I love her dearly but she is killing it somewhat though I refuse to give in. In fact if anyone should want to chuck it in then it should be me because of how she has been over the last 7 weeks.

I don't know a small part of me wants to do a scorched earth policy and destroy everything, but nearly all of me wants to save our M.

I have come a long way and my friends respect that and my commitment to saving our M.

I just don't know and can't understand where and why we are here, yes we have had a bad year but WTF!

One of my 180's was doing the majority of the housework but she said i was doing a poor job.

I am hoping it is just a phase and she comes out of it but this is soo hard, as there is just nothing, some of you at least get some small positive comments, or occasional hug/kiss or something.

Maybe I shoudl bring a large dose of reality to hit her squarely.

I just don't know but still care.

Help


Me: 30
W: 31
T: 9.5 yrs
M: 4 Yrs
No Kids, 1 cat
Had a bad year
Turmoil started 22/Jan/08
Seperated, same house 30/Jan/08
Wanted D: 2/Feb/08
Going downhill and towards D with nothing stopping her!
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 2,010
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Your frustrations, her seeming indifference, the desire to just say f**k it -- I know exactly how you feel. But you need to decide if you still want to save your M. If you do, try to be patient and persistent. Right now she is trying to convince herself that the course of action she is taking is justified. You can't change her mindset. But if the cloud lifts, sanity returns, and you are there -- solid, stable, an oasis -- she will see you and you still have a chance.

Hang in there.


Me45 W35 M6 T8
D16 SD11 D0
Dec 07: Bomb
July 08: Busted!
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GavinO Offline OP
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I am, its just hard. I really want to save our marriage and relationship and don't understand the mentality behind throwing in the towel. We have had great times in the past and can have even better ones in the future. She decided on divorce on 3/Feb and told our friends & others on the 5/Feb for instance.

Really, really hard (I know that there are others out there who's situations are far worse than mine and my heart goes out to them)


Me: 30
W: 31
T: 9.5 yrs
M: 4 Yrs
No Kids, 1 cat
Had a bad year
Turmoil started 22/Jan/08
Seperated, same house 30/Jan/08
Wanted D: 2/Feb/08
Going downhill and towards D with nothing stopping her!
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 2,010
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I don't understand it either. I have notes, cards, and emails as recently as 2 months before the bomb - all expressing her deep love and devotion. Then the bomb - we are too different, I don't have the same feelings for you, no point in trying, yada yada yada. Unfathomable. If you figure it out, let the rest of us know.


Me45 W35 M6 T8
D16 SD11 D0
Dec 07: Bomb
July 08: Busted!
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Posts: 6,274
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Gavin,

I stopped responding because I didn't know what else to say.

Sandi is right I feel in saying something is causing your W to self destruct. I know you disagree with me but my best guess is it's an OP. Maybe she's not involved with them yet or thay are M'd too but her lack of knowing what she is doing all the time makes me feel she is waiting on someone else. That's why she blows hot and cold - doesn't know if she can do sunday dinner as she may get a better offer yet - if the better offer can free up their day???

I am just guessing - but that's what it feels like to me.

Your W is in turmoil for SOME reason. No-one knows why; she will hit the bottom eventually and it will come out. I just hope my feelings about it are wrong. I have been reading along and when you posted about the 'sex' comment she threw out my tummy flipped. She is testing you.

I am sorry you are experiencing this pain - I know how much these things hurt. \:\(

I know we are not meant to snoop etc - but as someone whose H did have an A, I would be snooping in your position just to find out where I stood. My H told me about his A because I hadn't snooped - apparently he had been leaving me clues and I never picked up on them. He was trying to get me to see so that I would stop it all!!!! I was just a bit too trusting to realise. I know that is not the most common sitch tho' so factor in my experiences when reading my post.


Saffie
me 46
H 46
M in 1986
D20,D18,S16,D13
H's A 01/05 to 07/06
H recommitted to M 07/06
renewed vows 09/06
Going from strength to strength
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