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Is there any way that you can do something nice for her? Like put together a fun (note: not romantic) night for her? Maybe go see a movie or something.

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GavinO Offline OP
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I may well give that a go, this weekend is a bank holiday weekend so will have to see what happens. It would be nice to try to do something but she may well tell me to shove it.

I'll see how it goes


Me: 30
W: 31
T: 9.5 yrs
M: 4 Yrs
No Kids, 1 cat
Had a bad year
Turmoil started 22/Jan/08
Seperated, same house 30/Jan/08
Wanted D: 2/Feb/08
Going downhill and towards D with nothing stopping her!
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 76
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GavinO Offline OP
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Finishd work today and went to my parents for a bit. W called me at 18:30 to ask when I'd be home as we said we'd get together to discuss (divorce) things, she said that she'd be happy with 10K (GBP)(20k USD), she'd looked at it as that seemed about right. (me buying her out was a possibility. How I'll afford a 335k mortgage on 40k I don't know)but we'll discuss it later

She mentioned her new job but again we'll discuss it later.

I said i'd be back at 19:00 ish. I also though f*uck that and didn't want to discuss divorce stuff as it wears a bit thin when it is the main topic your wife talks to you about, also not sure i want to give her 10k so she can dissapear (time is a nessecity etc). I text at 19:15 that i would be home later (GAL and that, also I'll do what I want to do etc)

I got home and she called out for me and left the front door open, she went upstairs and we chatted briefly about her sister going to hospital for a back thing and a bit about her trial day (today), she has an interview tomorrow at 2pm. She was a bit p!ssy about me being back late as we were going to discuss (prob divorce stuff) and it was too late for that.

She avoided looking at me for pretty much all the time, she sniped only once (progress? lol) then she went to bed (left door half open for a change ish) and chatted with a friend on the phone, she said she was worried about her sister and didn't have anyone to talk to (er hello, husband here?!?) she also mentioned that she was moving to her parents next week. The conversation was done reasonably loudly. I didnt get a good night or anything (normally do albeit in response to mine)

Anyway I do want to say:

'WHAT THE F*CK IS F*CKING WRONG WITH THESE SPOUSE B4STARDS WHERE THEY JUST SEEM TO SWITCH OFF EVERYTHING FEELING WISE AND NICE WISE TOWARDS THEIR (in my case, husband)SPOUSE AND ACT LIKE RIGHT F*CKING BAGS OF 5HIT TOWARDS EVERYTHING THAT YOU (In my case, me) ARE, AND EVERYTHING THAT YOU HAVE DONE TOGETHER, AND THEY ARE JUST CHUCKING IN EVERYTHING(in our case - Me (someone who loves her and just was not a good husband for a bit)a fantastic house, cat and our future together.

Part of me wants to scream 'F*ck off then if thats how you feel and don't want to do anything at all for our relationship, even f*cking murderers get appeals, couples have physical abuse and affairs and get through it why can't you accept its been a rough patch and us sort it out, no one can understand why you are thundering towards divorce like a train!'

(I think I have said similar to her mind - not my finest moment lol)

Ok some bits she has told me why she is getting divorced:

1) I don't love you anymore
(A)Love is an action not just an emotion, you do loving things then you can feel love etc.

2) I don't want to be with you anymore
(A) Thats cr4p, I'm great, and people like me and I'm nice too and I love her and want us to have a great relationship. A

3) She can't forgive me for how I acted when she has a misscarriage (never new if it was or just a heavy period - doctor could not confirm. If she was pregnant then it would have been no more than 2 weeks. - I said 'At least we won't have to sell the house or cars' Not a good thing to say really (people have said and done worse) but I hugged her and comforted her and made her coffee and sat with her. This was 2 years ago by the way.
(A) F*ck, aren't you overreacting a bit really?!? - Honestly?

4) I'm a lazy f*ck, never did anything, she was the one that pushed me and got us to where we are. Also do nothing round that house.
(A)Er, she has been in the same job for 10 years, I have had several including 100k a year contract work and now a highly paid professial job, I did a 2 year qualification in 3 months and a further qualification while I was out of work for 6 months - We got where we are because of US working TOGETHER, not her pushing me. I agree that I did not do much about the house so she got me there really.

5) She can never forgive me for laughing at her when she broke her coccyx (not sure of spelling but basically it is your a$$). I did nothing around the house and she had to mow the lawn, (then we flew abroad for a friends wedding a week later)
(A) Er, what can I do when you have a broken a$$??? - I comforted her as much as possible, she broke it on a monday and I work during the week, she did stuff around the house when she could because a) I was not there but she was b) it was normally fairly tidy anyway d) something for her to do as such. Ok I didn't mow the lawn and she did, maybe I should have mown the lawn but is it that bad?

6) She hates my parents (disproportionately)
(A) My parents are not me, yes they chucked their burdens on us and asked opinions and help with my sisters who were going through a bad patch, which has affected our relationship/marriage. They are an outside influence, this has stopped etc.

7)She didnt want me to do contract work but I did and I stayed away and left her.
(A) Ok she did not want me to contract but was happy with a 100k income, also I stayed away for 3 nights a week for 2-3 months, I drove to and from every day for the rest of the 14 months so I could come back and see her - this was 250 miles a day with a full 8-10 hour day at the office.

8) I never supported her
(A) I did 90% of the business and finance part of the business we were going to set up (went down due to fraud on the finance broker's side. Rather than go into details I'll just say have supported her. Ok I told her not to talk about her job too much (was getting a bit much as it would go on for ages when she got home - stressful care job) Sorry about that, lets talk about it then.

9) I never showed I loved her.
(A) maybe the wrong love language at times, but I always gave her back and foot rubs (5-7 a week!!), ran her a bath ready for when she finished work after me, did loads of little errands for her like getting bits from the shop, getting practically anything for her at any time really. I have c0cked up on the quality time thing (primary LL) over the last year and the last 6 months (to Jan) I was struggling with depression (only 'discovered' it in Feb due to divorce) so not really responsive, I just played on the computer and smoked maruauna (yes me too lol, given up though - not good stuff really) and was depressed. We did not a lt together over this time and looking back she did try loads and i did not repond (depression).

Sorry for venting but it is frustrating getting stonewalled at every turn. I feel (felt, I'm stronger now) like a mouse against a cat - Tom and Jerry style where no matter where the mouse tries to go it gets stopped by the cat.

Also frustrating is the absolute lack of any emotion like regret, remorse, compassion and such like, although there has been the occasional teary look whe we discussed what went wrong and another when I pushed a lot.

I think it is a bit much and really believe that the reasons are cr4p and are things that can easily be overcome, IF she wants to but she doesn't.

Would you divorce someone for the reasons above? or is it all a bit extreme, also why the heading for divorce like a train, no councelling, separation or anything like that.....over?!?!?!?!? Divorce....End.

Anyone got any suggestions or advice?!?


(Bangs head against wall)

Sorry for long post


BY THE WAY I STILL LOVE MY WIFE LOTS AND WANT TO SORT THINGS OUT

Last edited by GavinO; 03/21/08 01:05 AM.

Me: 30
W: 31
T: 9.5 yrs
M: 4 Yrs
No Kids, 1 cat
Had a bad year
Turmoil started 22/Jan/08
Seperated, same house 30/Jan/08
Wanted D: 2/Feb/08
Going downhill and towards D with nothing stopping her!
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 76
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GavinO Offline OP
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Update,

Looking at baby steps, had some nice time together yeaterday (3 times) and this morning. I am focussing on her primary LL (quality time) and I am meeting my goals of more time together with small talk.

She invited me into her room yesterday for a cigarette and a chat. One of our friends is getting married today and initially we were not going to go but she got the oppertunity to go and is going. I don't mind this and want her to have a nice time.

Just looking at baby steps at the moment though she is still going for the split.

She said yesterday that one of our friends said that he thought it was really strong of her to decide a 10 yr relationship wasn't working and finish it.

F*cking w4nker!!!! He knows nothing about our relationship, if his wife decides to chuck it in because he is obsessed with poker and does nothing to help her then I'll f*cking tell her that she made the right decision and that she should get it done ASAP.

Anyway, moving painfully slowly forward.

Wish me luck

Good luck to all


Me: 30
W: 31
T: 9.5 yrs
M: 4 Yrs
No Kids, 1 cat
Had a bad year
Turmoil started 22/Jan/08
Seperated, same house 30/Jan/08
Wanted D: 2/Feb/08
Going downhill and towards D with nothing stopping her!
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 76
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GavinO Offline OP
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Spoke with W this morning, we were going to have breakfast but she didn't feel like it, we chatted about the wedding, she enjoyed it but found it really hard and felt it was a bit difficult as lots of our friends were there and they are all couples. She text last night when they were leaving and the text had a x on the end!, the first one in a month! (sad getting excited that your wife puts a x at the end of a text)

She found the wedding hard and said that our first dance song came on a few songs after the first dance and she found it really hard.

This morning she sat on the sofa opposite but came and sat right next to me (touching all one side) to show me the pictures she had taken on her camera, she then went to sit back on the other sofa, we chatted a bit more. One odd thing she said was that she shaved her legs but didn't need to as she was wearing a long dress and it was not line I (me, Gavin) was there or she had a partner. W also brought back a small easter egg for me from one of the favors that they have at weddings. She is staying at her parents this eve and seeing her sister who has an infection in her spine \:\(

She mentioned that she will move to her parents next week (she only has one day off so not sure how that ill work, though it can be done if she just moves her stuff like clothes and toiletries)

So far we have spent some nice time together over the last few days, she has also stated that the only good thing out of this is that she has lost some weight (WTF YOU DOING THIS THEN IF YOU HAVE ADMITTED THAT THERE ARE NO GOOD THINGS ABOUT IT!!!!)

Mum and my sister think that there are loads of positives and that she is slowly making her way back to me but can't do it all in one go?

I am cautiously optimistic, she 'seems' to have slowed somewhat and we are talking a lot more, D gets brought up only a bit and with less vehemence.

This is hard, I know my wife and it is not what she 'truly' wants even though it seems to be what she 'really' wants.

Any WAWs able to put a perspective on this? Is she slowly coming back to me or is she not? things do seem more positive but I don't want to get hopeful and then shafted!

Any advice appreciated.

Cheers

Gavin

Last edited by GavinO; 03/23/08 01:42 PM.

Me: 30
W: 31
T: 9.5 yrs
M: 4 Yrs
No Kids, 1 cat
Had a bad year
Turmoil started 22/Jan/08
Seperated, same house 30/Jan/08
Wanted D: 2/Feb/08
Going downhill and towards D with nothing stopping her!
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 126
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Gavin,
It sounds like you are doing ok but a couple of things... are you still focusing on improving yourself? Maybe you can think about her less for a little while. Start running or lifting or praying more. Also, have you thought about going out for a weekend? Nothing confrontational but maybe like a retreat weekend or something.

At the same time, just be excited that you are at where you are at. If you read my story you will see that it is pretty much hopeless. My WAW is definitely under the throws of some mental/demonic disorder. I can only hope that your WAW will recover.

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Ok update time,

Friday
Spent a bit of time together in the morning before she went out, just general chat stuff. She came back later and we chatted some more, she asked me to help zip her dress up a couple of times (dress she was wearing for the wedding the following day)- she looked fantastic!she also made a card for the wedding and aksed my opinion on a few bits (signed it her name only). She then went out to one of her friends. When she came back invited me into 'her' room for a cigarette and a chat, & we had a nice chat while I was sat on the bed next to her.

Saturday
Got up early and sat with her on the sofa (she sat next to me for a change) & we chatted for a bit, mt brother in law picked her up and came to the door while she was in the bathroom so I spoke with him briefly 'I don't want a divorce, unnessisary etc' Then they left to go to the wedding up north, W said she would text when they left, which she did and it included a x on it (first x since Jan!) I was in bed and asleep when she got back at 00:45.

Sunday
Went downstairs and she sat on the sofa opposite but came and sat right next to me (touching entire side) to show me the pics, after she sat on the opposite sofa again, we were going to have breakfast but she didn't feel like it. She said the wedding was nice but she found it hard especially when 'my girl' was played as that was our first dance song. she then went out to see her sister and said that she was staying at her parents that eve.

I saw my brother in law that evening at a B'day party and spoke with him a bit. He said that she seems to be thinking about it a bit more but also seems determined to go on with it. He said that maybe her starting her new job and moving to her parents for a few weeks may bring some reality to her, he confirmed that there was no one else as W's twin sister had asked directly. He He agrees that there is no real reason for a divorce and that the issues are not something that can't be worked out, he thinks its difficult at the moment.

I also spoke to a very good friend who W had spoken to and he was of the opinoin that what she was saying was overexaggerated and nothing like me at all, and he said that she seemed to believe it and that if he didn't know me he would think I was a right a$$hole from what she said. He also thought that she was using it to justify her decision. He thinks that its all a bit cr4p really.

Monday
Was back early, I went downstairs at 9.00, she had got out all of the breakfast stuff (bacon, eggs, sausages, eggs, beans etc) and got all of the pans out. I sat in the fornt room with her and she seemed a bit off, she asked how my evening was at the birthday, I asked her how her evening was and she said she 'got drugs and had sex' I repeated this back to her and she said 'what do you think' (I don't know?!?) we chatted for a bit then she made us both a really nice breakfast. I said I was going to go into town if she wanted to come, she did and we wandered about in town and had a coffee in the bookshop I got some new shoes then we cam back home, she left the car running and nipped in the house to use the bathroom before going off to her sisters and seeing her parents (back from holiday). That eve I came home at 22:00 and she was in bed she left her maruana, handbag ect on the table so she had smoked again. I tidied up and went to bed.

Monday
This morning she had got up and showered before I came down and she stayed in her room for a bit. When she came down she walked around the table to come and sit next to me to put her shoes on. (instead of on the opposite sofa like I expected) we chatted briefly. She said she was working until 6, she asked me if I was in or out - I said i didn't know and asked her - she said she had no plans.

There are also a number of inconsistencies in what W has said such as me not being invited to the B'day party (we both were and we had to sort it between us) She said that me friend at the wedding followed her out a pushed her a bit to speak whereas he said he was outside and she came out and told everything when he asked what was going on. She said that he understands about us whereas he actually doesn't. and so on I have not heard anything from lawyers, the marriage cert is in her car, she has not moved anything else out yet (and if she does move out she will leave all furniture at home until she is sorted) She is supposed to move to her parents this week but dunno.

Is this going good or bad or what? if anyone can give me an indication of what I am doing is working that would be cool and any advice on how to move forward. Also any WAW's able to provide insight into what 'stage' she is in (if at all).

Cheers all and best wishes

Gavin


Me: 30
W: 31
T: 9.5 yrs
M: 4 Yrs
No Kids, 1 cat
Had a bad year
Turmoil started 22/Jan/08
Seperated, same house 30/Jan/08
Wanted D: 2/Feb/08
Going downhill and towards D with nothing stopping her!
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 76
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GavinO Offline OP
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W phoned me last night to say she was delayed at work as somone had a car accident, I told her to text me when she was on the way home, shich she did (I was out & friends for dinner).

I came home and we chatted for a while before she got in the bath, she asked me to make coffee and put the fire on downstairs while she was doing that.

When she came downstairs she sat next to me on the sofa (I was expecting her to sit by the fire) and we chatted nicely (no OR talk)for a while longer (about 1.5 hours in total) before going to bed in our respective rooms.

This morning as I went downstairs she said 'Morning, coffe please' in a light nice tone that she used to speak to me with, I made coffee and she asked me to roll her a cigarette, I did, she sat next to me again and we chatted for a bit, she said, just as an aside, that she didn't get any texts from anyone (her friends) last night and no one loves her (I didn't say anything :)even though I felt like saying, I do). She said she finishes at 18:00 so will see me later then went to work.

Seems positive so far but I am wary, my ultimate goal is for her to recommit to our relationship and marriage but I am meeting my current goals of spending more time together and talking about rubbish and her being at home a bit more & her sitting with me on the same sofa.

Not sure how to progress at the moment, my mum and little sister think that she is slowly coming back to me. She has certainly changes a bit over the last week.

Any advice on how it os going or what I need to do moving forward? I have improved myself a lot, lost weight got more toned, on AD's and I am good again \:\)

Advice still appreciated.

Cheers all and hope you are moving forward.

Gavin


Me: 30
W: 31
T: 9.5 yrs
M: 4 Yrs
No Kids, 1 cat
Had a bad year
Turmoil started 22/Jan/08
Seperated, same house 30/Jan/08
Wanted D: 2/Feb/08
Going downhill and towards D with nothing stopping her!
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 686
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Hello GavinO,

I am by no means a wise DBer but if you find what you're doing is working then keep doing it at all costs. Don't for a minute change tack if what you're doing is giving you the results that you want.

From what I am reading, the more "to the letter" you stick to DBing principles i.e. doing what works and rejecting what does not, the greater the odds of success. I hope that one of these days we both become living proof of that.

best,

GH31


Me: 46
W: 46
T: 23
M: 20
DS12
DD11
DS5

W left: 01/28/08
Discovered OM: 02/26/08
W back for 9 days: 04/08
W returned 05/21/08
EA/PA - 01/08-07/09
W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 76
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Hi all,

Spoke with W briefly when she came in this eve, she was on the phone to her mum and talking about moving there, I overheard her talking about the issues such as having no room to put all her stuff or her clothes (she has 2 full wardrobes) and being able to afford it as she will have to keep paying for our house and her friends are miles away etc. I am hoping that some of the reality of her decision is starting to hit her.

She called me down for a quick chat before she went out and basically just said that she probably won't move out as she can't afford it. She was off out this eve with one of her girlfriends and she will be staying away but back early tomorrow morning.

My thoughts on this:

I want to save our marriage and relationship BUT I WILL NOT HAVE MY WIFE BEING 'SINGLE' AND USING OUR HOUSE AS A HOTEL OR SOMETHING. I believe either she stays and we work on our marriage OR she leaves and sorts herself out, if she can't afford it then tough! its her decision and she has 'thought about it for a while' and 'planned it' so shoudl have thought about these sorts of things.

It is either her taking the p!ss somewhat or a more subtle way of maybe bridging our relationship and again coming back to me, our marriage and relationship.

How should I view this? if anyone can provide any guidance or insight I would be grateful as I am not sure how to progress.

Cheers all

Gavin


Me: 30
W: 31
T: 9.5 yrs
M: 4 Yrs
No Kids, 1 cat
Had a bad year
Turmoil started 22/Jan/08
Seperated, same house 30/Jan/08
Wanted D: 2/Feb/08
Going downhill and towards D with nothing stopping her!
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